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If you haven't been getting home delivery of the AoE Newsletter, here's some of exclusive stories you've been missing:

Bush Shoulder Devil Silences Shoulder Angel for Good

Report by Andrew Sabias, VT Chapter

Pelosi Meth Scandal Exposed

Report by Jackson Rice, CA Chapter

Rice Implicates Bush in Sexual Harassment Suit

Report by Janet Paulson, NY Chapter

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Bipartisan Plan to Reduce Welfare, Overpopulation

Report by John Northingham, GA Chapter

On Friday, the House echoed the Senate’s historic compromise which introduced the most comprehensive population/welfare reduction bill ever to pass through Congress. Built on the back of Republican concerns about growing welfare rolls, and Democratic concerns over a growing World population, the bill (HR 5903), if signed by the President, will implement a series of targeted attacks aimed at the poorest segment of the U.S. citizenry. “This plan creates a meaningful, balanced solution for the Left and Right, and as a bonus, provides valuable, real-life experience for our troops,” explained Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), referring to the use of U.S. troops to eradicate the poorest members of our society. “I can’t wait to see what happens when one of those ‘Bunker-Busters’ rips through a trailer park - it has the force of 500 tornadoes,” estimated General Petraeus, new appointed Chief of U.S. Central Command

“We can literally remove 200 - 1000 people from the welfare rolls with each bomb,” boasted David Davis (R-TN), justifying his vote in favor of the bill. In a joint statement issued by House Republicans and Democrats, the bill was hailed as “an essential tool for lowering taxes, easing traffic congestion, and freeing up valuable property for rebuilding a more modern, more beautiful America. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that the bill makes significant process toward stemming urban sprawl, “by opening up real estate within the city, the need for outward expansion is reduced.”

While the bill marks unprecedented cooperation between members of either side of the aisle, it also shows the depth of the disregard that our elected officials actually have for the citizens of our country. “The ruling class in this country hasn’t believed the poor to be their evolutionary equals since nearly the time of our Country’s founding,” instructed one DC pundit. This revelation into the mindset of our leaders, although startling, explains why the Washington elite are so flippant when it comes to the lives of less affluent Americans.

Bush to Attack Bermuda

Report by Edmond King, LA Chapter

On Thursday, President George W. Bush, set into motion a plan to create a retirement villa fit for a king. A source close to the President reported that President Bush had been considering Bermuda as a site for his retirement, however was hesitant because of the U.K. control of the islands. “The President loves Bermuda, but under British control, it just isn’t a suitable place for an ex-President of the United States; therefore the Bush Administration has decided to overtake the collective of islands and declare them a U.S. Territory.”

Reports indicate that a Bush led assault will commence at 05:00 Saturday with bombs being dropped via fighter jets onto the strategic targets of Hamilton, the capital of Bermuda, the historic town of St. George’s, and the Royal Naval Dockyard on Ireland Island South. “The President expects a quick and decisive resolution,” indicated a source close to the White House, “in addition to the air raids, Bush has instructed the Navy to surround the islands, making English fortification impossible.” General Petraeus, recently recalled from Iraq to carry out the Bermuda invasion, estimated a 45 - 60 minutes siege, saying, “those English bastards will be grabbing their ankles screaming ‘bangers and mash’ in no time.”

Once the islands are under U.S. control, President Bush will begin construction of a 500,000 square foot palacial retirement villa for himself and Laura so that he may retire in a manner “suitable for a U.S. President.” The villa, designed by famed architect Peter Eisenman, who currently teaches at Yale University is set to begin construction in February of 2009. In a backroom deal made with Congress, the Bush family will purchase 500 acres of prime Bermuda real estate for 5 cents an acre. President Bush defended the plan by saying, “Imperialism is what made America great! Besides, Bermuda is a helluva lot closer to the U.S. than Britain, and should rightfully be ours anyway.”

Clinton Camp Drives Young Voters from Polls

Report by Devon Gray, NY Chapter

Following a ten point Clinton win in Pennsylvania, suspicions of foul play were aroused. In the midst of denials by the White House seeking Hillary Clinton, several campaign workers have come forward with details of a sinister plot to repel young voters from Pennsylvania voting booths. “Hillary realized about a month ago that she couldn’t win the hearts of young Americans, and although she scores very well among middle-age white woman, she knew she wouldn’t be able to ride a wave of weathered old bats all the way to the White House,” reported an anonymous Clinton campaign worker.

In an effort to exclude a voting block that the former First Lady has had no luck tapping into, the Clinton camp made use of an anti-loitering device, called the Mosquito, around polls that expected heavy young voter turnout. The Mosquito, sold in the the U.S. under the company name Kids Be Gone, emits a shrill, piercing noise likened to the sound of nails being scrapped down a chalkboard that can only be heard by teens and young adults “because of the presence of sensitive hair cells in the inner ear,” explained Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor Laura Davis.

Young voters were driven away from the polls by the sound. “It sounded like a swarm of mosquitos were buzzing around a chalkboard scraping their long, blood-sucking beaks along the slate as they flew,” reported John “J Dogg” Smithers, a young Obama supporter. Another would-be Obama voter indicated, “It was literally impossible for me to get within 100 feet of the voting booth, after struggling to get into the building, I was forced, literally blinded by the pain, to run screaming into the street where I was run over by some lesbian in a Prius on her way to vote for that crack whore Hillary. The Obama Camp has reserved comment on the situation until more information is available.

Bush to Hippies, “Earth Day Sucks”

Report by John Walters, CA Chapter

Early this morning, on a day that would otherwise be Earth Day, President George W. Bush signed Executive Order 13464 into law. The Executive Order, the signing of which was witnessed by a small group of key Republicans, makes it a federal crime to celebrate Earth Day. Just before signing the order, President Bush, who has had a less than stellar environmental record, made this statement, “For nearly 8 years I’ve been pandering to those tree-hugging commies, what with their ‘whole grains’ and their ‘organic produce,’ but now its W’s time and W says screw Earth Day and screw those hippies!”

In response to the order, federal agents and the National Guard have been dispatched to major cities to put a halt to planned Earth Day celebrations. Sergeant William Sheets of the Texas National Guard was alerted just this morning and rushed to Dallas with his unit. “I had a 10 o’clock tee time, but now I have to go harass hippies. When I’m hitting longhairs with a baton, I’ll just pretend they’re golf balls,” said Sheets. Liberals responded to the Executive Order by saying, “man, I hate Bush!”

Despite Gun Ban, Chicago Gun Deaths Persist

Report by Edgar Cleveland, IL Chapter

Chicago, one of only two major U.S. cities to have enacted comprehensive gun bans, endured a violent weekend with 32 shootings and 6 gun related deaths. Apparently, some Chicago residents are not aware of the ban. Latin Kings gang member Ramon Vasquez admitted, “I was total unaware of the ban, I feel foolish now not having known, but they really should have done a better job of publicizing it.” Rival gang member Lamar Jones reacted by saying, “had I been aware of the ban I certainly wouldn’t have popped a cap in that [Latin King’s] ass; I would have just had a proper discussion with him and we could have worked out our differences.” Some area gang member reported having known about the ban. Ian Trevors, a member of the Gangster Disciples offered, “I knew about the handgun ban, so therefore I opted for an AK47 to shoot that mother [humper], I certainly don’t want to be accused of violating a published Chicago ordinance.

Whether it be an ignorance problem, a loophole problem, or simple disregard, the Chicago gun ban doesn’t seem to be accomplishing its goal. Gangstas and criminals persist in the use of handguns and other firearms to perpetrate crimes, cap asses, and “regulate” to ensure continued revenue from illegal activities. Meanwhile, law abiding citizens are powerless to defend themselves against armed criminals because of the ban. “So if I were willing to break the law I could use a gun to do so, but if I sought to follow the law I can’t protect myself from those who break it?” questioned area resident Paul Edwards. It seems Mr. Edwards sentiment is true and Chicagoland residents, at least until Heller v. DC is decided, will be held captive by the gun ban.

Hillary Adopts Bill’s Half-Hearted “Thumbs Up”

Report by Shepard Davis, RI Chapter

In an effort to revive a failing campaign, Democratic contender Hillary Clinton unveiled her latest attempt to secure the party’s nomination. Over the weekend, Hillary began using the half-hearted “thumbs up” gesture made famous by her husband Bill. The gesture, which mimics the traditional “thumbs up,” whereby the thumb is fully extended upward, is in contrast only at about a 45 degree angle or less from the curled in pointer finger. Non-verbal communications expert Dr. Karen Legosy explained that, “the Clinton thumb gesture appears to convey a feeling of sincerity to many people, it is not as aggressive or threatening as fully upward extended thumb.” One unidentified Clinton aide revealed that, “Clinton believes that the fully extended thumb reminds people of detestable hitchhikers, and she doesn’t wish to be likened to some poor trash that can’t afford a decent luxury automobile.

Only time will tell if the Bill Clinton inspired gesture will give Hillary the extra kick that her campaign desperately needs.  One thing is certain, now that Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, is putting increased pressure on superdelegates to make a decision about which candidate to back, the change could not come at a more apropos time.

Pope Condemns US Hypocrisy

Report by Harold Johnson, DE Chapter

Following three days of addressing sexual abuse scandals involving Catholic clergymen in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI flew to New York City this morning to address the General Assembly of the United Nations. The Pope, who took some time while on the flight to reflect on the events of the past few days, decided to release a final statement on the issue upon landing. The revered head of the Catholic Church stopped briefly to address reporters before leaving the airport and heading to the United Nations.

“For three days I have answered questions about priests abusing children,” began the Pope, “and I’m not defending the actions of those men; however I find it rich that American adults are taking issue with the screwing of kids. Have you seen your national debt? Hello kettle, this is pot ....” Who do Americans think is going to have to pay that debt? Will the adults of this country live to repay the debt they are accumulating? Fat chance! Americans are not only screwing their children, but their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children. Catholic priests haven’t found away to screw the unborn, but American elected officials have, and the people of this country don’t seem to be raising a fuss about that!”

Upon delivering the statement, the Pope immediately stepped into an awaiting bulletproof limo and left without answering questions, leaving members of the American press speechless. “I was completely flabbergasted,” stated one member of the press upon regaining his composure, “I mean, it’s true, every word he said; we are giving future generations a royal screwing. He’s the Pope; hell, you can’t argue with the Pope.

UK Prime Minister Calls Obama, Clinton, “Wankers”

Report by Enid Washington, TN Chapter

The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, told reporters Thursday evening that he believed Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were “a couple of right wankers.” Brown, who met with each of the three leading candidates separately on Thursday at the British Embassy in Washington DC, mentioned that he had suspected the Democratic candidates’ wankerdom for months. After watching Wednesday’s Democratic Primary debate between the two, and having spoken to each of them in private, Brown stated that his “suspicions were confirmed.”

Clinton reported to the media that she spoke with the British leader about the war in Iraq and global warming. Obama revealed that he and Brown talked about strengthening the bond between the UK and US, the global economy, and Africa. Brown, when asked if that was true, responded by saying, “they may have been going on about those things, but all I heard was ‘bla bla bla bla,’” while mocking the candidates with with a peculiar up and down, fisted hand gesture.

Despite the international problems of the last two Presidential terms, the US and Britain have maintained a close working relationship. It appears that if a Democrat resides in the White House next year, that relationship could become strained. “What a sad lot you yanks have to choose from eh? It’s a bit like digging through the trash to figure out what’s for dinner; it doesn’t matter what you choose, it’s all rubbish.”

Snedley’s Introduces Bacon Fatted Fruit Jams and Jellies!
Sponsored Editorial by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

Since the summer of 1926, when Elmer Snedley first introduced his famous Bacon Fatted Apples, Snedley’s Family Farms has been supplying the nutrients Americans need, with a side of tasty bacon fat. Snedley’s offers a wide variety Bacon Fatted fruits and vegetables, made with Professor Eric DeGroff's patented Fat Marbling process, and available exclusively in your grocers meat section. Yes, The Snedley’s have been doing it right for over 80 years, and they just keep getting better.

The Snedley’s are proud to introduce the newest addition to their fine line of products, Snedley’s Family Farms Bacon Fatted Fruit Jams and Jellies. These delicious toast toppers are made with only the freshest Fatted Fruits, grown by the Snedley’s themselves. Grandma Emma Snedley began serving her family Bacon Fatted Apple Preserves three quarters of a century ago, and now the love that went into each of Grandma Emma’s jars of preserves are available to your family. There are many varieties to choose from, including strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, peach, and apricot. So, start a new tradition in your home, serve Snedley’s Bacon Fatted Jams and Jellies every morning. It’s the taste your family will wake up for!

Cheney Announces He is the Anti-Christ

Report by Ernesto Rena, AZ Chapter

Dick Cheney publicly announced at a press conference today that he will “very soon rule the World.” Cheney, rarely seen without make-up covering the pentagram, or “sign of the beast” on his forehead, stepped up to the podium at the press conference, proudly displaying his satanic tattoo. “Let me be clear,” Cheney began, “I will not be a gracious President, I mean to command the entire world like Eliot Spitzer commands his whores, and I will beat her like a red-headed step-child until she submits to my every directive. I am the Anti-Christ!” boomed Cheney as he repeatedly struck the wooden stand.

Many Americans, though having secretly thought for some time that Cheney might be the Anti-Christ, were saddened by the news; many more were caught completely off-guard. Even in liberal circles, the news came as a shock to some. Antwon Devine, a social worker and gay rights activist said, “I thought he couldn’t be all bad, after all, he’s got that log-cabin lesbian daughter,” Antwon wiped away a tear and finished with a sigh, “... you just never know.”

Despite evidence to the contrary, some skeptical DC pundits doubt the authenticity of Cheney’s claim. “What if he’s just gone power-mad? For heaven’s sake, he’s defrauded the American people, embezzled billions, maybe trillions, of dollars for himself and his cronies, the blood of thousands of Americans is on his hands, and he actually shot a man ... and nobody does anything to deter him. He must feel like a god that can’t be stopped. Wait, I think I just made the case for him being the Anti-Christ ....”

Following the controversial remarks, there are those who fear Cheney, those who dismiss Cheney, and even those who have begun to worship the Vice President. Vic Burrows, Vice Chancellor of The National Satanic Communion (NSC), told the press that NSC would officially “begin worshipping the man-god Cheney on April 30th.” April 30th is Walpurgis, one of the most important dates on the Satanic calendar, a night of blood rituals and human sacrifice. Burrows, went on to say, “because of the momentousness of this occasion, [the NSC is] trying to book Miley Cyrus to perform, and then be sacrificed. It will be the biggest Walpurgis blowout ever!” 

Obama Bashes Gun Owners

Report by Deiter Yates, PA Chapter

One week ago, at a California event, Sen. Barack Obama called rural Americans “bitter” people who “cling to guns and religion.” During the passing week, his statements have become public, and yesterday he defended his statements at a stop in Indiana. “I should clarify, not all small town folk are bitter, stupid people, just those gun-toting rednecks.” Obama went on to say that “this country would be better off if the hillbillies would trade their guns and their god in on a brain.”

Obama’s pointed commentary on gun owners and church goers was shocking to many Americans who attend church services regularly and believe in the Second Amendment right to bear arms. “So Obama’s America would have no God and no Guns?” questioned John Abrams of Allentown, PA, “It’s a good thing Obama wasn’t in charge at the time of the Revolution. Paul Revere would have been riding his horse shouting, “The British are coming, the British are coming ... grab your ankles!”

“Obama’s vision for a gunless, godless America comes at the bequest of Group X, who has long strived for a powerless, hopeless citizenry,” commented a confidential DC source who went on to say that Group X is “planning a government modeled after that depicted in Orwell’s 1984.” Although Obama expressed regret yesterday for offending “right-minded rural Americans," he condemned gun owners as “too stupid to vote anyway.”

Bosnian Rebels Response to Clintons: “WTF”

Report by Nancy Peterson, MN Chapter

Bosnian Rebels, spurred on by Bill Clinton’s defense of his wife, responded by saying, “WTF!,” continuing, “What, are we the stupidest people on Earth? Yeah, we wanted to piss off the only Superpower in the World by shooting the President’s wife. Borat was from Kazakhstan, not Bosnia!” Hillary has claimed that she landed in Bosnia, during her husband’s Presidency, under sniper fire, though she has since retracted that statement. The American Press has defended the Bosnian people by showing footage of the day in question. Contrary to Hillary’s claim, it was peaceful reception where Mrs. Clinton’s biggest threat was an 8 year-old girl. One DC insider commented, “This shows Hillary Clinton’s stupidity, and exactly why Group X chose to make Obama President instead of her.”

Clinton Campaign HQ Targeted by Group X

Report by Cedric Diggs, IN Chapter

Group X, who has been pressuring Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to step aside following the decision to make Barack Obama the next President of the United States, took persuasive efforts up a notch. Following Senator Chris Dodd’s and Governor Bill Richardson’s failed attempts to convince Hillary to end her bid for the White House, Group X made the decision to utilize less subtle methods. Early this morning Group X operatives set Clinton’s Terre Haute, Indiana Campaign Headquarters ablaze.

The fire, which began shortly after midnight, tore through the building, damaging the support structure and collapsing the building. Two campaign workers, who had been working late, were able to get out safely, but one had her car destroyed when the building collapsed upon it. “This act pales in comparison to past acts by the Group, such as the assassination of Dr. King, JFK, and others,” commented one DC insider, “however, it is very rare to see them blatantly attack a candidate in this way, there must be a deeper level to the disagreement between Mrs. Clinton and Group X.”

Citizenry Manipulated by Partisan Politics

Report by Danielle Buress, MI Chapter

Most Americans have been taken in by the supposed rift between so-called liberals and conservatives. While amongst everyday people such a rift may exist, in Washington DC the divergence in political views is merely a show for the citizenry. “Lawmakers understand that if everyday conservatives and liberals are fighting with each other, they remain oblivious to the real enemy,” explained one government pundit, continuing, “which, of course, is the establishment running our country.” Take, for example, the long relationship between supposed conservative Grover Norquist and purported liberal couple Joan Blades and Wes Boyd.

Norquist, who, at the request of then President Ronald Reagan, founded the conservative organization Americans for Tax Reform (ATR) in 1985, seems to be a staunch advocate for conservative ideas. Conversely, Blades and Boyd, who established the liberal political action committee MoveOn.org in 1998, have become virtual democratic party power brokers. Interestingly, Norquist, Blades, and Boyd, despite perception to the contrary, are best of friends.

A neighbor of Blades and Boyd, who wished to remain nameless, reported that Norquist “is always dropping by their house for some party or another” Although the threesome takes pains to avoid being photographed with on another, their guard is let down at small social gatherings. At one such event, a BBQ at the home of Blades and Boyd, the aforementioned neighbor shot the above picture of Grover Norquist (l) with Joan Blades (r) in the backyard. The public show of animosity toward one another is noticeably missing in the photograph.

“This is all part of the orchestrated plan,” stated a White House staffer on the condition of anonymity, “it’s a shell game being perpetrated on the people. The left blames the right, the right blames the left, and nobody suspects the true culprit, which, of course, is the cohesive establishment the governs this country.” The glue that keeps the establishment together is the elite pseudo-nobility class known only as Group X. This group, collectively, owns or controls 98 percent of the media outlets in the United States, and uses pawns like Norquist and Blades to create news that keeps the citizenry’s attention off the real threat to our liberty.

“MoveOn and ATR are just puppet organizations, window dressing for the masses if you will,” described Bob Olin of ScrewOff.org, a PAC dedicated to revealing the true nature of political motives in Washington DC. Olin continued by saying, “Americans need to wake up to what is really going on. It’s time once again to dress up and throw tea into the harbor. We have a King, we have a tyrant, and his name is Group X. MoveOn is the Duke of Liberalism, and ATR is the Earl of Conservatism, and both owe their position to the same progressive, neo-conservative sovereign.

Attention Cadets!

The April Edition of the Official Newsletter is in the Mail

Check your mailboxes to find news about the Army of Epiphenomenon available only to Newsletter subcribers.  Read about what is happening with AoE Chapters around the country, and enjoy exclusive editorials from AoE founder Dixie Larkin.

See your Chapter Commander about home delivery today!

Perot's 'Freaky Friday' Plot

Report by John Fitzgibbons, DE Chapter

Texas businessman Ross Perot, who opposed the will of his fellow Group X brethren and campaigned for the post of President of the United States against George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton in 1992, has apparently made another unsuccessful wild card run at the top U.S. office; however this time as noted DC outsider, Ron Paul. While the full details of this elaborate hoax are yet to be unraveled, it is clear that Ross Perot will go to no end to defy his former friends to gain the Presidency.

Ross Perot, who made his fortune from founding Electronic Data Systems (EDS) in 1962 after leaving the employ of IBM, has an estimated worth of 4.4 billion dollars. Perot apparently joined the ranks of the recently named Group X in 1984 after selling EDS to General Motors, securing his place as one of the wealthiest men in the United States. “Perot never saw eye-to-eye with the group,” confided one DC insider, “Ross believed that he could carpetbag the citizenry and further the goals of the group more quickly than a puppet, as the group was accustomed to using.”

As he did in 1992 (and 1996), Perot misjudged the response of American voters to a so-called “DC outsider” and selected Congressman Ron Paul as his vehicle to move to the White House. “The American people’s discontent, as of yet, just doesn’t match Perot’s anticipation,” offered an unnamed DC pundit, “he should have listened to his fellows.” Instead, Perot went forward with his plan to perform a brain transplant on Ron Paul so that Perot could assume the identity of the political rebel.

Perot, who has been conspicuously absent from the political scene in recent years, had Ron Paul abducted from his home in 2006 and Perot paid a handsome fee to have his brain transplanted into Ron Paul’s head. By making use of Ron Paul’s identity, Perot believed that he could reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Since the time of the risky and unperfected surgery, Perot has been acting on the Congressman’s behalf. “I thought it suspicious that [Congressman] Paul couldn’t remember the racist comments made in his newsletter twenty years ago,” commented a member of the major media, “but we were told to ‘let it go.’”

Rumor has it that Ron Paul’s brain was cryogenically frozen and is now cryopreserved, alongside Perot’s body, in a hidden compartment behind a rack of extremely expensive Montrachet white Burgundy wines in Perot’s wine cellar. “The work is phenomenal,” offered Joan Rivers, a veteran of elective surgery, “I wish I had his doctor.”

Now that it is apparent that this newest bid for the Presidency is just another political failure on Perot’s resume, it is unclear if he will have his brain returned to his own body. One source close to the Perot family confided that Perot’s wife, Margot Birmingham, has grown accustom to sex with her husband as a man five years younger. With Perot’s prospects for the Presidency growing worse with every year and every misguided plot, it is likely that Mrs. Perot’s desire for sex with a younger seventy-year-old will guide Perot’s plan for the future.

The AoE is movin' on up!

Update by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

Attention Cadets!

The Army of Epiphenomenon has acquired a domain and is working to develop a full website to more adequately serve the demands of our members! The website address is www.attentioncadets.com and we hope to be up and running by June 1, 2008! We'll keep you posted. Of course the blog will continue, as well as monthly publication of the Official Newsletter.

Carry on.

We’ll Take That Rifle Now Mr. Heston

Report by Gary Munson, MT Chapter.

Group X, the secret organization of ultra-rich progressive Neo-Cons, who has been trying to rid the citizenry of their right to bear arms, struck a major blow to our Constitutional liberties by assassinating former NRA President and screen legend, Charlton Heston. Although the major media is spinning the murder as a death from natural causes, a source close to the family reported that Heston was killed execution style by an assailant who left a business card with the Group X logo on the front, and the words, “We’ll take that rifle now Mr. Heston,” on the back.  The note is an obvious allusion to Mr. Heston’s famous challenge to gun control advocates that that they could take his rifle when they pried it from his “cold, dead hands.”

Heston, 84, the Oscar winning actor famous for playing such iconic roles as Moses, Ben Hur, and Michelangelo, died instantaneously from the close range gun shot to his head late Saturday night. “Isn’t it ironic, that the group of people that want us unarmed, used a gun to further their agenda,” said Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the NRA, in a statement unpublished by the major media outlets. LaPierre continued, “It’s as if they believe they have some birthright privilege to use guns that ordinary American people don’t have.”

The move and method speak a loud clear message to those with ears to hear. Group X is willing to murder us if that is what it takes to pry our guns from our hands. When the guns are taken away from the people, there will be no way to take our country back from the new class of nobility that has arisen in our nation. “We kick one king’s ass out of our country, I think it is time to do again,” commented Roger Sparks of Americans Standing Strong, “The good book says ‘eye for an eye,’ let’s lock and load boys, a progressive's gonna die tonight!”

While a few Americans, like Mr. Sparks, have been prompted by Heston’s martyrdom to water the Tree of Liberty, Heston’s death is seen by most to be a tragic loss in the fight to remain armed. “With Chuck gone, I wonder if we really have a chance now,” stated Libby Thomas, a midwest housewife and gun rights advocate, “the light in the tower has shot out; I don’t know if we can still find our way.”

The timing of the assassination can be no coincidence. The United States Supreme Court is currently hearing DC v. Heller, a case that will determine the future of our right to bear arms. “This killing sent a strong message to the Justices, and you can bet they heard it loud and clear,” predicted one DC pundit, “any Justice that sides against Group X can expect the same fate as Mr. Heston.” If true, that prediction could seal the fate of American gun rights; let’s hope that our Justices have the tenacity of the late Charlton Heston.

Leno To Head Propaganda Machine

Report by Jennifer Halsted, CO Chapter

Earlier this week, the puppet-master organization that secretly runs the United States and recently adopted the moniker of “Group X”, announced that it chose late night talk show personality Jay Leno for it’s Director of Public Relations. Leno, who succeeded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show, will be turning over the late night reigns to Conan O’Brien next year so that he can devote his full attention to the new post. Leno responded to the announcement by saying, “Now I will be able to do the greatest good for the greatest of people, the extraordinarily rich.” There is speculation that Leno pursued the public relations post because the lucrative salary, which is rumored to be over ten times that which he collects from NBC, will allow him to expand his famed car collection at a much faster rate. Leno denied the accusations by saying, I’m doing this, not for myself, but for the elect few with enough money to make this country the greatest place on Earth.”

Joel Osteen, megachurch preacher and best selling author, was also vying for the job. In as statement to the press following the announcement, Osteen said, “I believe now, as I believed when I first sought the job, that my best life now is selling people on the benefits of keeping power with those who know how to use it. Let me ask you this, if we gave all the power in this country to a small group of street bums, what would happen? I’ll tell you what would happen, more free hand-outs for the poor, including booze and cigarettes; and who would pay for it? The very people I should be protecting.” At that point Osteen got uncharacteristically negative, continuing, “But they picked that dumb-ass Leno. Anyone can tell a couple jokes, but how many people can make hundreds of thousands of Americans believe in the power of giving me money?”

Leno will begin his work for Group X in July, working part-time for the first year, concentrating primarily on organizing the newly established public relations department. Formerly, Group X farmed out the work by applying subtle pressure to other organizations and major media outlets. The group recently decided that they could exert more control over the messages getting to the public by taking a more proactive approach to controlling the dissemination of information to the citizenry. With a popular spokesperson like Leno cranking up the Illuminati propaganda machine, organizations like the Army of Epiphenomenon will be forced to redouble their efforts to make the truth available to public.