Mukasey Endorses McCain, Patriot Act

Report by Helen Mathews, MS Chapter

Former Federal District Judge and current Attorney General of the United States Michael Mukasey vocalized his endorsement for Senator John McCain today in a press conference. “John McCain is right man for the job,” announced Mukasey, adding, “Under McCain’s leadership, we will carry on the job started by Bush and Ashcroft, and continued by Gonzales,” referring to abuses of the USA Patriot Act.

The Patriot Act, enacted under the guise of protecting Americans from international terrorism, has been used extensively by the Bush Administration to wiretap, check library, medical, and internet records, and in various other ways, spy on lawful American citizens. In his statement, Mukasey praised the Act for its effectiveness in bringing down former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer for prostitution and subsequently aiding in the defeat of Spitzer’s close ally, Hillary Clinton, by Barack Obama. When asked what prostitution had to do with international terrorism, Mukasey retorted, “Don’t be naive. The Patriot Act was never about terrorism, that was a diversion used to implement a tool that has proved invaluable in the quest to strengthen the Administration against the so-called “rights” of U.S. citizens.

First Daughters to Share Playboy Spread

Report by Richard Dinkins, OR Chapter

Current First Daughters, twin sisters Jenna and Barbara Bush, and former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton recently revealed that they signed a record deal with Playboy magazine to appear nude together in an upcoming issue of the well known men’s magazine. The pictorial, which is to be called “Girls of the White House” is not the first of its kind. The spread is following in the tradition of Patty Reagan, who famously disrobed during her father’s tenure as President of the United States. Fathers George W. Bush and Bill Clinton issued a joint statement calling the layout “an excellent example of bipartisan camaraderie.” Separately, Bill Clinton noted excitedly that he has "been itchin’ to see those Bush girls naked.”

A White House insider disclosed that Playboy also made First Lady Laura Bush a lucrative offer to undress for the camera, but Mrs. Bush declined saying that “certain aspects of her anatomy were reserved for her husband’s eyes only.” Upon hearing whispers of the offer made to Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton reportedly contacted Hugh Hefner directly demanding to know why no such offer was made to her. Hefner apparently replied that “it would be in the best interest of everyone for [Hillary] to keep [her] clothes on.”

Clinton Turns Attention to Fashion

Report by Allison Fairbanks, NY Chapter

Following a disappointing primary season for Hillary Clinton, the former candidate announced today that she would be turning her attention away from politics for a while, and toward her little-known passion for fashion. Clinton, who has long held a fondness for the “comfort and simple elegance of polyester” announced yesterday that she would be launching her own line of clothing with a focus on her favorite fabric. Revealing the handle for her new line, White Trash Fashion, Hillary exclaimed, “We are going to do things with polyester that have here-to-now been unimagined.”

Asked if a nod from Obama would change her plans, Hillary responded by saying, “If selected by Obama to be his running mate, I’ll take it, we’ll beat McCain, and after the election I’ll have that son-of-a-bitch Barack killed so I can take my rightful position as President of the United States!”

Hillary Rebukes Voting Public

Report by Steve Douglas

After conceding Tuesday night that her hopes for the Presidency are all but lost, but with out actually conceding the Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton rocked the Democratic Party by referring to her party members as “silly, stupid, [explitive] pusillanimous simpletons who wouldn’t recognize the best candidate for the job if she slithered up the crapper from the sewer and grabbed them by the [testicles].” Noting that she still held the country’s best interest at heart and didn’t hold grudges, Clinton went on to say that she would “allow” Barack Obama to select her as his running mate.

In private conversations leading up to the psuedo-concession, Hillary revealed to those close to her that she felt the “dumb-ass” American public dashed her dreams of living in a “Barbarella” world. The reference to “Barbarella” apparently stems from Clinton’s private love of the 1968 classic in which the heroine, played by Jane Fonda, saves the galaxy while wearing as little as possible. “What really appeals to Hillary is not the movie’s sexual content, but that the Earth, as described in the movie, is one that embraces strong women and has advanced to a state that actual contact during sexual intimacy is no longer necessary,” revealed Clinton’s former psychologist.

Clinton, who first saw the movie Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy, during her undergraduate studies at Wellesley College, quickly thereafter left her post as President of the campus Young Republicans, and has since harbored a nearly psychotic infatuation with the politically outspoken liberal Fonda. Those close to Clinton have agreed that were it not for Hillary’s bizarre crush on Jane Fonda, she would likely be a Conservative powerhouse to this day. “If not for Barbarella, it is quite likely that Hillary might be vying to be McCain’s running mate instead of Obama’s,” speculated an unnamed Clinton staffer.

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

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Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”

Hillary Adopts Bill’s Half-Hearted “Thumbs Up”

Report by Shepard Davis, RI Chapter

In an effort to revive a failing campaign, Democratic contender Hillary Clinton unveiled her latest attempt to secure the party’s nomination. Over the weekend, Hillary began using the half-hearted “thumbs up” gesture made famous by her husband Bill. The gesture, which mimics the traditional “thumbs up,” whereby the thumb is fully extended upward, is in contrast only at about a 45 degree angle or less from the curled in pointer finger. Non-verbal communications expert Dr. Karen Legosy explained that, “the Clinton thumb gesture appears to convey a feeling of sincerity to many people, it is not as aggressive or threatening as fully upward extended thumb.” One unidentified Clinton aide revealed that, “Clinton believes that the fully extended thumb reminds people of detestable hitchhikers, and she doesn’t wish to be likened to some poor trash that can’t afford a decent luxury automobile.

Only time will tell if the Bill Clinton inspired gesture will give Hillary the extra kick that her campaign desperately needs.  One thing is certain, now that Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, is putting increased pressure on superdelegates to make a decision about which candidate to back, the change could not come at a more apropos time.

Bosnian Rebels Response to Clintons: “WTF”

Report by Nancy Peterson, MN Chapter

Bosnian Rebels, spurred on by Bill Clinton’s defense of his wife, responded by saying, “WTF!,” continuing, “What, are we the stupidest people on Earth? Yeah, we wanted to piss off the only Superpower in the World by shooting the President’s wife. Borat was from Kazakhstan, not Bosnia!” Hillary has claimed that she landed in Bosnia, during her husband’s Presidency, under sniper fire, though she has since retracted that statement. The American Press has defended the Bosnian people by showing footage of the day in question. Contrary to Hillary’s claim, it was peaceful reception where Mrs. Clinton’s biggest threat was an 8 year-old girl. One DC insider commented, “This shows Hillary Clinton’s stupidity, and exactly why Group X chose to make Obama President instead of her.”