White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

Albright Implicated in Sex for Oil Scandal (3/8/99)

AoE Newsletter Issue #94 reported that the Senior Cabinet member was alleged to have provided sexual favors to the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia in exchange for more liberal oil export policies for the U.S.

Report from AoE Newletter by Roger Mintz, VA Chapter (March, 1999)

Despite her critics, Secretary Albright has certainly gone above and beyond for her Commander-in-Chief; recent allegations of Albright engaging in sexual relations at the President’s request seem to back up that claim. If the accusations are true, Madam Secretary can add ‘International Call Girl’ to her already impressive resume.

The alleged receiver of Albright’s sexual services is the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia, Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud, the de facto ruler of the oil rich empire since 1996. The Prince holds the key to much of the World’s oil reserves, and the major U.S. oil companies depend upon Saudi oil to turn tremendous profits providing refined petroleum products to domestic industries and consumers.

A DC insider close to the Clinton Administration disclosed that, “Albright has done an extraordinary service for the United States and should be viewed as a hero instead of a whore. If it weren’t for the brave acts provided by Albright to the Prince, our economy which is driven primarily by Big Oil could have been hard hit if the Saudis restricted oil exports.

It is no secret that the Saudi Prince has eye for older women, just last year it was rumored that he briefly courted Albright’s fellow American, Helen Thomas. It is likely that the Clinton Administration used this information to its advantage in sending Albright to “negotiate” on the oil issue.

The current Administration could benefit quite handsomely from the favorable outcome of the recent oil talks. The Clinton’s as well as the Gore’s have a great deal of money tied up on the oil industry as well has having received significant campaign contributions from major oil companies in the past. It is speculated by some pundits that the alleged “sex for oil” program has more to do with personal gain than America’s economic well-being. Given the personal assets that Albright has tied up in the Oil Industry, her potential gain from the oil stocks she holds could make her the highest paid prostitute in the World.  President Bill Clinton quickly decried the allegations, declaring that, “The Prince did not have sexual relations with that woman, Madeleine Albright.”

Cohen Back From Nudist Colony (10/20/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue #92 (Dec. 1998) reported that after disappearing for just over a week, Secretary of Defense Cohen returned, a bit embarrassed, to Washington DC from a clothing-optional compound in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. 

Report by John Weinstein, FL Chapter

William Sebastian Cohen, the Republican Secretary of Defense serving under President Clinton since 1997 , departed from his Arlington, VA home ten days ago, leaving only a note. Addressed only to “My beloved wife, Janet Langhart, and Mr. President,” the note described Cohen’s intention to leave mainstream political life in favor of the secluded life of a commune in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The note stated that Cohen wanted to get closer to God and felt that he would be most able to accomplish that in the “U.P.” because of its “long association with the phrase ‘God’s Country.’”

Cohen, who had been wrestling with a slight cold in the days prior to his disappearance, attributed the episode to an overindulgence of over-the-counter cold medicine. In a statement released to the press, Cohen said, “It turns out I just took too much Robitussin. For the record, I don’t want to live in the Upper Peninsula, nor have interest in referring to it as the ‘U.P.’” 

What Cohen thought was a commune turned out to be a nudist colony. In addition to it not being a spiritually oriented commune,” the statement revealed, “the cold temperatures made [Cohen] self-conscious about strutting around naked.”

Cohen’s statement went on to say that when the cold symptoms subsided and he stopped taking Robitussin, he realized the folly of his actions, stating, “I guess they say not to exceed six doses in a 24 hour period for a reason.”

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan (1998)

The AoE has been engaging in hard-hitting political journalism since 1989. Check out past issues like this at the bottom of the page: July 4, 1998 AoE Newsletter Article exposed how former senior advisor’s career may have been advanced by a pact with the Devil. 

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan

Report by Renee Higginbottom, OR Chapter

Recent reports indicate that George Stephanopoulis, former senior advisor to Clinton and current commentator for ABC News, is in league with the Prince of Darkness. Speculation about Stephanopoulis’ relationship with the Father of Lies has existed for several years. Though his obvious lack of talent alone wouldn’t preclude a successful political career, when combined with his displeasing physical appearance, lack of charisma, and persistent body odor make any other explanation for his success impossible.

George’s satanic pact had been mere rumor for several years, but in recent months, evidence has surfaced that substantiates the claim. In March, an unnamed White House source reported that Stephanopoulis and Satan held a joint meeting with Clinton and the First Lady. In April, an ABC staffer overheard George and the Devil arguing over what sounded like the eternal condition of George’s soul. Further, in June, George was caught making what appeared to be a blood sacrifice to to his Lord, Lucifer.

First Daughters to Share Playboy Spread

Report by Richard Dinkins, OR Chapter

Current First Daughters, twin sisters Jenna and Barbara Bush, and former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton recently revealed that they signed a record deal with Playboy magazine to appear nude together in an upcoming issue of the well known men’s magazine. The pictorial, which is to be called “Girls of the White House” is not the first of its kind. The spread is following in the tradition of Patty Reagan, who famously disrobed during her father’s tenure as President of the United States. Fathers George W. Bush and Bill Clinton issued a joint statement calling the layout “an excellent example of bipartisan camaraderie.” Separately, Bill Clinton noted excitedly that he has "been itchin’ to see those Bush girls naked.”

A White House insider disclosed that Playboy also made First Lady Laura Bush a lucrative offer to undress for the camera, but Mrs. Bush declined saying that “certain aspects of her anatomy were reserved for her husband’s eyes only.” Upon hearing whispers of the offer made to Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton reportedly contacted Hugh Hefner directly demanding to know why no such offer was made to her. Hefner apparently replied that “it would be in the best interest of everyone for [Hillary] to keep [her] clothes on.”

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

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Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”

New AoE Newsletter out Today

Attention Cadets!

The latest issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of the Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail today.  If you would like to begin home delivery of the Newsletter, please contact your Chapter Commander today!

Obama Admits Addiction to Facebook Application

Report by Francis Berrant, OH Chapter

The Democratic Presidential primary heated up last week when the Clinton camp disclosed information to the press that suggests Barack Obama is addicted to Mob Wars, a game application available to Facebook users. Although Clinton initially denied that her campaign was the source of the story, she retracted that denial after the reporter who got the scoop released a statement saying, “that lying [female dog] called me herself.”

Following disclosure of the Mob Wars scandal, many technophobes around the country momentarily called for Obama to drop out of the race, before realizing that such a move would mean Clinton would make it to the general election, and quickly retracted their demands. Obama addressed his shameful vice by saying, “I initially started using Facebook purely for the networking opportunities. But before long, I was innocently toying with the idea of adding the fun Shrute Bucks application, then it was a Super Wall, and before long my Facebook profile was so full of applications I’d have to schedule an hour just to scroll through them all. Obama continued by saying, “A friend, well actually an acquaintance of a friend of an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a friend, sent me an invite to Mob Wars. I knew I had too many applications already, but I couldn’t resist checking it out. It had 4.5 stars, that’s out of 5, that means people like it.

Obama, pictured above as he was deciding whether to buy more weapons or invest his money in another casino, blames the loss in West Virginia on his addiction to Mob Wars, calling it his darkest hour. Sen. Obama has vowed to remove the application from his Facebook profile if elected President. Known as “Kid Killa B” on Mob Wars, Obama commented, “I’d remove it now but I just bought a crap load of grenade launchers and want to smoke some suckas who have been frontin’.”

Hillary Adopts Bill’s Half-Hearted “Thumbs Up”

Report by Shepard Davis, RI Chapter

In an effort to revive a failing campaign, Democratic contender Hillary Clinton unveiled her latest attempt to secure the party’s nomination. Over the weekend, Hillary began using the half-hearted “thumbs up” gesture made famous by her husband Bill. The gesture, which mimics the traditional “thumbs up,” whereby the thumb is fully extended upward, is in contrast only at about a 45 degree angle or less from the curled in pointer finger. Non-verbal communications expert Dr. Karen Legosy explained that, “the Clinton thumb gesture appears to convey a feeling of sincerity to many people, it is not as aggressive or threatening as fully upward extended thumb.” One unidentified Clinton aide revealed that, “Clinton believes that the fully extended thumb reminds people of detestable hitchhikers, and she doesn’t wish to be likened to some poor trash that can’t afford a decent luxury automobile.

Only time will tell if the Bill Clinton inspired gesture will give Hillary the extra kick that her campaign desperately needs.  One thing is certain, now that Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, is putting increased pressure on superdelegates to make a decision about which candidate to back, the change could not come at a more apropos time.

Bosnian Rebels Response to Clintons: “WTF”

Report by Nancy Peterson, MN Chapter

Bosnian Rebels, spurred on by Bill Clinton’s defense of his wife, responded by saying, “WTF!,” continuing, “What, are we the stupidest people on Earth? Yeah, we wanted to piss off the only Superpower in the World by shooting the President’s wife. Borat was from Kazakhstan, not Bosnia!” Hillary has claimed that she landed in Bosnia, during her husband’s Presidency, under sniper fire, though she has since retracted that statement. The American Press has defended the Bosnian people by showing footage of the day in question. Contrary to Hillary’s claim, it was peaceful reception where Mrs. Clinton’s biggest threat was an 8 year-old girl. One DC insider commented, “This shows Hillary Clinton’s stupidity, and exactly why Group X chose to make Obama President instead of her.”