Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Congress Unveils Bipartisan Plan to Wipe its Collective Ass With Constitution.

Report by Luther Jacobs, TN Chapter

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stood cheering wildly Friday morning after House Minority Leader John Boehner and House Majority Whip James Clyburn introduced historic legislation that, if signed into law, would change the look of toilet paper used by our nation’s leaders. Boehner and Clyburn cited President Obama’s desire for transparency as a reason to support the legislation, saying, “The Federal Government, [Congress] included, has been wiping its figurative ass with the Constitution for generations. Let’s be honest and give the people an accurate, tangible picture of how we really feel about our founding documents.” The pair went on to laud the bipartisan nature of the bill and the jobs, albeit in South America, that would be created to produce the specialty bathroom tissue.

Boehner and Clyburn took a few minutes after the House session to speak with the press about the bill. After dodging several questions about the pronunciation of his last name, Boehner was asked if using the toilet paper would violate his oath to defend and uphold the Constitution? Boehner, clearly confused, whispered something to Clyburn, who also seemed bewildered by the question. After recovering, Boehner responded, “any Oaths or old parchments are obviously ceremonial in nature and have little to do with the decisions that governmental leaders make on a day to day basis.” Clyburn added, “[Curse] the Constitution!”

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Bipartisan Plan to Reduce Welfare, Overpopulation

Report by John Northingham, GA Chapter

On Friday, the House echoed the Senate’s historic compromise which introduced the most comprehensive population/welfare reduction bill ever to pass through Congress. Built on the back of Republican concerns about growing welfare rolls, and Democratic concerns over a growing World population, the bill (HR 5903), if signed by the President, will implement a series of targeted attacks aimed at the poorest segment of the U.S. citizenry. “This plan creates a meaningful, balanced solution for the Left and Right, and as a bonus, provides valuable, real-life experience for our troops,” explained Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), referring to the use of U.S. troops to eradicate the poorest members of our society. “I can’t wait to see what happens when one of those ‘Bunker-Busters’ rips through a trailer park - it has the force of 500 tornadoes,” estimated General Petraeus, new appointed Chief of U.S. Central Command

“We can literally remove 200 - 1000 people from the welfare rolls with each bomb,” boasted David Davis (R-TN), justifying his vote in favor of the bill. In a joint statement issued by House Republicans and Democrats, the bill was hailed as “an essential tool for lowering taxes, easing traffic congestion, and freeing up valuable property for rebuilding a more modern, more beautiful America. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that the bill makes significant process toward stemming urban sprawl, “by opening up real estate within the city, the need for outward expansion is reduced.”

While the bill marks unprecedented cooperation between members of either side of the aisle, it also shows the depth of the disregard that our elected officials actually have for the citizens of our country. “The ruling class in this country hasn’t believed the poor to be their evolutionary equals since nearly the time of our Country’s founding,” instructed one DC pundit. This revelation into the mindset of our leaders, although startling, explains why the Washington elite are so flippant when it comes to the lives of less affluent Americans.