Gore: Global Warming to Blame for Erections Lasting Longer than 4 Hours

Report by Bub Johanson, FL Chapter

Former Vice President and self-styled environmental activist Al Gore attended a recent climate change conference in Copenhagen where he rebutted reports of fraud and data manipulation amongst global warming scientists.  Gore, whose own film, An Inconvenient Truth, has been the target of controversy in European Courts because of inaccuracies and exaggerations in the documentary, announced that “global warming is too important an issue to be hemmed in by truth and honesty because of its dire effects on erections.”  Gore sited data provided by Britain’s Climate Research Unit (BCRU) which indicated a link between dangerously long lasting erections and rising global temperatures; however source data would not be released by BCRU, which released a statement saying, “you’ll just have to trust on this.”

Gore was joined at the conference by Stanford Professor Stephen Schneider (pictured here with Al and Tipper Gore) who instead of trying to defend against questions about the BCRU Climategate scandal simply had those who questioned the veracity of BCRU data arrested by UN security.

Al Gore Breaks Vow of Celibacy by Having Sex with Tipper (1998)

On October 17, 1998, the AoE was the first to break the story of how, in a moment of extraordinary weakness, Al Gore gave in to his wife’s nagging requests for sexual satisfaction after nearly seventeen years of chastity.

Report by Malley Masterson, HI Chapter

The unfolding drama surrounding this latest domestic scandal involving the Gore’s, has many Washington pundits calling for an investigation into what is quickly being referred to as “TipperGate”. One Democratic Party insider was quoted as saying, “We’ve come to rely on Gore’s uncompromising seriousness and intensity, this single moment of weakness on Al’s part could completely change the make up of the Democratic Party. What with all the ex-hippies and young slackers that make up this party, we need Gore to show America that not all Democrats have a sense of humor.”

Experts predict that this unprecedented release of pent-up frustration, could lead to lower blood pressure and the occasional smile from Gore. This could spell disaster for the Democrats, who have, until now, been thought to have a lock on winning the next Presidential election on the strength of Gore’s stone-faced solemnness.

Though Gore has never publicly disclosed the exact length of time that he has abstained from sexual relations, those close to the Gore’s believe it to be close to seventeen years. “I think this is the first time since Albert III was conceived that they’ve physically expressed their love for one another,” revealed a confidant of Tipper’s. “It is precisely that kind of commitment to celibacy that has given Gore the icy determination to accomplish all he has,” noted one family friend, “and with one sweaty act, Gore may have released the very thing that held his career together.” Although Al may be, no other Democrats will be sleeping well this week.