Ipecac CQ Tackles CFA

Sponsored Informational Bulletin by Milton Bradshaw, CT Chapter

Do you have a hard time getting off the couch?  Does the thought of climbing stairs terrify you?  Do you snack between snacks?  Are you one of those people who drive across the street to go to through the McDonalds drive-thru rather than walk your big lethargic backside 200 yards across the road?  If you answered in the affirmative to any of these questions, you may suffer from Chronic Fat Ass.

I used to think I was just always overweight, but my doctor told me I suffered from Chronic Fat Ass, or CFA.  He told me CFA affects millions of Americans but there is a solution.  Ryser Pharmaceuticals recently released an amazing weight loss product called Ipecac CQ.  Ipecac CQ works with the body’s natural chemistry to orally expel unnecessary calories before they show up on your lumpy, blubbery, unsightly, disgustingly obese body.

Unlike other diet plans that force you to eat expensive unpalatable pre-prepared meals, with Ipecac CQ you can eat what you want as often as you want.  Simply take one Ipecac CQ liquid gel after eating and those unneeded calories disappear in a flush.  In just weeks you will see and feel the difference as your weight plummets and your popularity with the opposite sex soars.  Ipecac CQ users have lost 1000’s of pounds already.  Janie (pictured right) lost over 100 pounds in just 3 months!

Ipecac CQ isn’t for everyone.  You shouldn’t take Ipecac CQ if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.  Side effects are frequent and include nausea, fatigue, starvation, and even death.  Your doctor may encourage you avoid Ipecac CQ, but she is probably just a jealous pig who just wants you to be fat like her.  Just imagine how good you’ll look in a swim suit this summer when you’ve slimmed down to 75 pounds.  You’ll be flaunting your sexy new body and your doctor who wouldn’t shut up about the so-called risks will still be fat.

Ipecac CQ, because you’re not good enough, but you could be.

New Civics Curriculum Mandated by Education Dept.

Report by Leon Atherton, UT Chapter

Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced Monday that a new course will be offered at all schools across America, including home schools, effective fall of 2010.  The Federal mandate, or “initiative” as it is being called by Duncan will “tackle the new issues faced by our evolving society.”  Although the United Educators Association (UEA) support the mandate, many educators, including homeschooling families, claim a strong liberal bias.  Secretary Duncan (picture left with the world biggest douche bag) defended the new curriculum by saying, “This new course will inform students of current issues and help defray the effects of outdated and fallacious accounts of other forms of government propagated in decades past.  In short, it will prepare future decision makers to embrace the new direction that the evolved members of our American society is currently embracing rather than the antiquated ideas of segregation, Christianity, and individualism.”

The textbook (pictured right) for the course, which has been produced by Duncan’s Education Department, has been released to educators to preview for the upcoming school year.  Among the features that have some educators and almost all homeschooling families outraged, is a fold-out poster (pictured left) which must be displayed in a prominent place in the room used for educating students.  Says Emily Steinmetz, a homeschooling mother from Ohio, “I’m being forced to promote a system of government, in my home, that opposes religious worship.  Further the textbook itself vilifies Christian tenets as hateful and wrong.”  A public educator from Banger, Maine, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his job, decried the new course saying, “This is just a thin veiled attempt to brainwash our children into accepting the liberal agenda and destroy the Christian, Capitalist, and Individualist foundations of our nation.”

Senator Webb on Snack Cake Sex

Report by Felix Masterson, WA Chapter

Fresh off the heels of his successful Kama Sutra for the Obese, Senator Jim Webb  (D-VA) is set to release his second sex-help book, this time focusing on snack cake copulation.  The self-described “self-taught sexpert” Webb was not surprised by the reception his first Kama Sutra book enjoyed.  “Everybody likes sex, but not everyone can enjoy the tawdry positions described in the original Kama Sutra.  Let’s face it, not everyone is a skinny Indian.”  While Webb’s first guide focused as much on the sturdy apparatus needed to accomplish the difficult sexual positions as the positions themselves, a sex guide for snack cakes provided a new array of challenges.

“Snack cakes are unlike fat people in many ways,” explain Senator Webb.  “For one, they don’t have skin, they have either a cake-like exterior shell, or are often covered in a perservative-rich frosting.  Compounding the problem, is the constant danger of their cream-filled goodness being squeezed out prematurely if the snack cake is twisted or pressure applied incorrectly.”  Webb dedicated the book to the many brave snowballs, twinkies, ho ho’s, ding dongs, and fruit pies who were injured in the course of research done for the book.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who provided the forward for the book and who has had, according to tabloids, a long running affair with snack cake icon Twinkie the Kid, called the work a “long awaited resource for a sadly neglected minority.”

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”

AoE Lookback: The Beginning

Featured Content by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

The Army of Epiphenomenon was started in 1980 by a group of young, militant nogoodniks. The youths, having become disillusioned by the educational system that the government was providing “free of charge,” left high school and their small rural town in Southwestern Utah to search the hills surrounding Parowan, Utah for a militia to join. The area they chose seemed to be the ideal place to find a band of camouflage clad, gun toting hillbillies that shared the boys’ negative view of the ever-enlarging Federal Government. The young men chose well, for those very hills were indeed crawling with unwashed militiamen, but for as much as the AoE’s founders wanted to be apart of a militia, the Parowan militiamen were equally adamant about the boys getting “the hell out these dadgum hills.” And left they did, before the hillbillies “sent them back to Uncle Sam with their asses full of lead.”

It seemed that for all their angst, they were missing, or rather not missing, an essential characteristic necessary for membership in a militia; that, of course, being teeth. Unfortunately for the boys, they had grown up accustom to brushing two to three times a day. While each of them had their own specific routine, they could all agree that a good brushing consisted of up and down strokes, back and forth strokes, and certainly a fair bit of circular motion cresting and dipping at the respective gum lines. It must have been quite a shock for the Parowan militiamen to see three sets of brilliantly white gleaming teeth reflecting the horror that was the rot and decay of the hillbillies’ mouths. Perhaps it was jealousy or simply mistrust of those with clean, healthy teeth, but whatever the case, it seemed to be a pandemic of militiamen in rural places across this great land. 

The boys left Parowan in search of another militia to call their own, but every time they came across another militia, the response was the same. The greetings from the militiamen they encountered on their quest ranged from simple hostility to hellish rage. After one such encounter, the boys spent a week picking bird shot from one another’s buttocks. At one point, the boys even considered pulling a few of their own teeth and taking a few days off from brushing; but in the end, reason prevailed and they decided against defacing the teeth they had spent so many years caring for and polishing to perfection.

These young men, the outcasts of outcasts as they were, were left with only one way to release their pent up aggression; that of course being to start their own militia. Their militia was to be the militia for the rest of us, those with good teeth and bad teeth alike, hapless layabouts, and even those with college learning. In 1980, these three brave young men started, what truly was, the anti-militia militia.

To this day we still hold true to the vision of Barnaby Jensen, Dixie Larkin, and Frank Stahlie. We hold fast to the belief that good dental hygiene should be rewarded, not despised. We believe that the government is too large and too flippant with their destruction of the Bill of Rights. We look to the past to seek wisdom for facing the future, and we stand ready, toothbrushes and all, to defend the spirit that guided the foundation of this once great county.

President Obama to Twitter Executive Orders

Report by Harold Nickelson, MA Chapter

In an effort to reach out to the American people, while at the same time promulgating an exhaustive list of upcoming Executive Orders, Barack Obama has decided to utilize the social networking tool Twitter to accomplish these goals.  Much like the sport of golf, which Obama plays in order to stay in touch with “the common people”, the President hopes that his use of Twitter will cement his relationship with the hardworking folk that make up the backbone of this country.

“Twitter is the new water cooler at the office,” said Obama (pictured left texting updates to Twitter) at recent press conference, “I want to stand around the water cooler with Jack and Jill Lunchpale, much as I stroll the fairways with them and share a firm slap on the ass after a birdie putt.”  This despite the fact that most middle and lower class workers neither Twitter nor can afford to play golf.

Among the first Executive Orders that Obama will be Twittering is E.O. 13510, which mandates that all Americans seeking to purchase a vehicle must at least test drive a new 2010 Chevy B.H.O. or GMC Hope prior to making a purchase.  Also, reports indicate that Obama will also be limiting blogs focused on cats as early as Monday of this week.  Obama’s Executive Orders can be followed at https://twitter.com/ExecutiveOrders.

Hate Crimes Spike as “Tolerant” Liberals Lash Out Against Christians

Report by Rev. Hank Halbrook, WI Chapter

While the national media is reporting a 53% increase in incidences of hate crimes this year, the fastest growing category of victims is being decidedly underreported.  Very often, crimes like the Colorado murder of Angie Zapata by Allen Ray Andrade who was shocked when he found male genitalia as he preparing to get his groove on, make the news, while attacks on Christian Fundamentalists goes unreported.  For instance, in March of this year, a group of vegan liberals attacked and killed a Christian immigrant hot dog vender in Columbus, Ohio; in April, a band of Gothic youths stormed a Christian youth group meeting in a church in Albany, NY, raping the girls and castrating the young males; In May, Abdulhakim Mujahid Muhammad, shot two Arkansas based Christian U.S. Army recruiters, killing one; earlier this month, a group of Young Democrats from the University of Utah burst into a student-led girls Bible Study and attempted to “beat the hate out of” a group young Evangelical college students.  Three of the eight college coeds were hospitalized from the attack.  In each of these cases, no mention was made by the national media.

In an era where many of the more radical politically left are demanding tolerance and diversity, increasingly, those same liberals are seemingly more inclined to use violence against Christian Conservatives to get their point across.  In a February incident, a group of liberal activists attacked an elderly church group involved in a peaceful hymn-sing.  The liberal youths were heard shouting “die you hate-mongering [expletives]!” and “Burn to Hell you close-minded, bigots!” as the senior citizens’ brittle bones were crushed beneath the torrent of young, liberal fists.  Despite the rhetoric spewed by the liberal national media about narrow-minded Conservative Christians being to blame for virtually all hate crimes, the incidents of hate crimes aimed at Christians has risen an astonishing 250 percent over this same time period just a year ago.

Obama Sells North Dakota to Rap Mogul

Report by Seth Eitner, NY Chapter

In an apparent effort to generate funds in the hope of halting the U.S. economic free fall, President Barack Obama, yesterday, authorized the sale of North Dakota to music icon Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Combs, formerly known as “Puff Daddy”, was awarded the State of North Dakota for what some consider to be a paltry $47 million.  Some opponents of the deal are upset because the deal was pushed through quickly without allowing other parties to bid on the state, while many North Dakota residents were understandably dismayed that the Federal Government would sell their state out from under them.  A group of over 300 North Dakotians protested the sale today outside the capital building in Bismark, chanting “Go to Hell. We’re not for sale” before being showered with rubber bullets by a hastily assembled interim army wearing a fashionable ensemble designed by Combs under the Sean John label.

Among the critics of the sale are celebrities Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, David Hasselhoff, and Willie Nelson.  “Yo, a deal like this should have been an auction open to the public,” said Jay-Z in response to the sale, “back room deals like this are precisely why Americans don’t trust the government.  Snoop Dogg agree with that sentiment by adding, “Fo’ Shizzle!”  Hasslehoff reportedly was interested in creating a “State of Inebriation”, while Nelson admitted he just wanted a place to smoke marijuana without being hassled.

Combs, in a statement released today, stated that the new nation would be called “Nubia” with himself ruling under the title “Grand Nubian” in the yet to be created capital city of Diddyopolis.  Rather than a representative democracy in the mold of the U.S., Nubia would have a “Parliament Funkadelic” and a Prime Minister type position called the “MC Prime”.  Although Diddy hasn’t settled on who he will appoint as the first MC Prime of Nubia, it is rumored that 50 Cent and Posdnuos from De La Soul are the top contenders for the post.  “The MC Prime will handle most of the day-to-day government [excrement],” announced Combs, “but I’ll being taking a decidedly more hands on role than that ol’ biddy in England.”  

President Obama called the deal a success saying, “Think of this as a real estate deal.  [The U.S.] bought the land from the Indians for a couple beads and now we’ve flipped it for $47 million.  Plus we don’t have to throw away any more stimulus money on that wasteland.”  When asked if it wouldn’t cost at least $47 million to replace the 50 star flags with 49 star flags, Obama indicated that he was considering making Puerto Rico a State to alleviate that expense.  “I’ve been to Puerto Rico and it’s beautiful, responded the President, “what’s North Dakota got? Dirt and snow, that what.  It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.

Obama’s Disturbing Fascination With Hitler

Report by Hector Sanchez, NM Chapter

Far from villainizing the architect of the Third Reich, Adolf Hilter, President Barack Obama appears to have a morbid fascination with the man responsible for the deaths of millions of innocents during his reign in Germany.  Barack Obama has gone so far to flaunt his admiration for Hitler, that he has replaced the traditional portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with one of Adolf Hitler (pictured here during a meeting with Vice President Biden and key advisors.

More frightning than Obama’s veneration for one of the 20th Century’s most dastardly tyrants, is the new President’s desire to emulate the man that most of the World regards as one of the cruelest monsters in history.  Obama reportedly cited the success of Hitler’s state-run car company, Volkswagon, as a major reason for Obama’s hostile takeover of General Motors.  Additionally, sources close to President Obama have leaked rumors that the President refers to Evangelical Christians as “my Jews”, and furthermore, is emptying Gitmo prisons of Islamic militants “to make room America’s biggest threat” namely those Christians who “cling to their God and their guns”.  It is reported that Obama believes the U.S. will be a stronger more powerful nation “if the Christian virus is removed from our national bloodstream”.

FDA Approves Crystal Meth as Appetite Suppressant

Report by David L. Benson, AR Chapter

In a move lead by the tireless efforts of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Crystal Methamphetamine as a weapon in the battle against the American bulge.  Pelosi, pictured here with Interim FDA Commissioner Dr. Joshua M. Sharfstein, revealed her own use of the drug as a diet aid and proudly displayed the results to a group of spectators after the FDA hearing that approved Meth use.  FDA regulated products account for about 25 cents of every consumer dollar spent, however Sharfstein expects that with so many young adults eager to utilize the miracle diet attributes of Crystal Meth, this number will soon jump to 30 cents.

“America is at war,” declared Sharfstein at the hearing, “at war against fat.  Do we not use missiles in Afghanistan even though a few innocent children might die?  Why should we not then use every weapon at our disposal against a greater threat here on our own soil!”  Pelosi, who was reportedly instrumental in swaying the FDA committee towards approval, will be promoting the use of Meth on behalf of Pfizer for an undisclosed amount to be donated to Pelosi’s campaign fund.  Pfizer’s Crystal Meth product, which is to be called Crystazon, will be packaged in liquid form and can be injected orally in the gums or between toes.

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Senator Jim Webb on Chubby Love

Report by Karla Davies, VA Chapter

Author and Senator, Jim Webb (D-VA), announced Thursday that he is set to release a new book at the month’s end.  The book, which departs from his usual fare of military/intimate fiction and even his lastest non-fiction work, concentrates on the ancient Indian art of love-making, but with a twist.  “Anyone can write about sex,” said Webb, “I’ve proved that with my novels.  What makes this book different is that it focuses on fat sex - a decidedly trickier endeavor.”  Because of the reduced flexibility and extra body mass characteristic of the obese, “many of the tawdry and exciting positions I enjoy are simply unrealistic for portly mates, and many others are made possible only with the help of sturdy girders and customized mounting platforms,” asserted Webb.  “This guide not only describes the relevant mating positions, but includes detailed instructions for constructing the various reinforced platforms that make them possible.”

Webb, who has been a fan of sex, the obese, and small construction projects for years, found the challenge of melding these three obsessions into one project “scintillating”.  “The foundations for this book were laid over 20 years ago as I was building a bird house while watching amateur porn,” revealed the US Senator.  “Somewhere in the back of my mind this idea germinated, and has been waiting for my brain-cervix to open and let it out ever since.”

Senator Webb has made headlines before for his sex-centered writing, particularly during his successful 2006 Senate bid.  His 1981 novel, A Sense of Honor, described the sexual exploits of naughty Nurse Goodbody, while Webb’s 1991 novel, Something to Die For, painstakingly detailed an exotic dancer’s use of fruit.  While some critics have trashed much of Webb’s writing as something akin to Letters to Penthouse, the self-styled “sexpert” Webb calls his work “a raw and sometimes intimate look at life as seen from the viewpoint of men in uniform.  Granted I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination where sex is concerned, and I’ve got a tendency to throw that in where I can.”

Man Realizes Dream, Kills 24

Report by Ed Gilderbraith, IN Chapter

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood condemned narcoleptic truck drivers Monday after a semi truck, helmed by 38 year old Nelson Felcher, careened into a strip mall parking lot Saturday killing 24 and injuring 30.  Felcher (pictured left), a lifelong narcoleptic, graduated from Munz Truck Driving School in Muncie, Indiana in February at the top of his class.  Bill Villenichek, an instructor at Munz, called Felcher a “model student” and said “sure he had a tendency to fall asleep while driving, but nobody is perfect, and beside he could back a trailer into a tuna can ... he was amazing.”

LaHood who became the 16th Transportation Secretary on January 23rd of this year, and has done relatively nothing since taking office, chose this incident to make his first public statement.  “The United States can’t sit idly by and let drivers fall asleep any longer, they are a public menace.  This incident illustrates a need for fundamental change in transportation in this country,” stated Lahood, “we are in the midst of a transportation crisis ... a crisis that demands nationalized driver licensing and strict federal regulation.”  Felcher responded to LaHood’s criticism by crying, “Discrimination, that’s what this is.  The Obama administration is targeting people with disabilities.  If this was WWII Germany, I’d probably be hauled off to an extermination camp for narcoleptics. 

Felcher, who believed he could overcome his disorder with the help of crystal meth, went on describe the pure joy he felt upon receiving his Commercial Drivers License (CDL), “It was a lifelong goal achieved, it was kind of like the first person with a disability walking on the moon.  I proved that even though someone may uncontrollably fall asleep, they can still reach the stars.  I guess Obama and his cronies in Washington just don’t want the little people to live the American Dream.”  Although Felcher’s dream cost 24 people their lives, he will still be driving a truck until the Indiana drivers licensing review board reviews his case at a hearing in August.

Obama Transition Team Halts Work Upon Discovering New Facebook Application

Report by Jan Sommerset, RI Chapter

According to sources close to the Obama-Biden Transition Team, preparations for the new Administration came to a screeching halt earlier this week after a couple members of the team received invites for MyFarm on Facebook.  The application, which is a virtual farming simulator, was quickly shared with other members of the team.  By Wednesday, the team’s focus had shifted from matters of State to sending trees, horses, cows, and chickens to each other, as well as planting and harvesting various crops.

In a press conference Friday, Obama announced that his virtual farm was doing very well.  “I am pleased to announce that I have raised enough MyFarm cash to buy a barn,” reported the President-Elect, “and plan to harvest a heathy crop of apples early tomorrow.”  Obama, who noted that he favors planting strawberries and rice rather than potatoes, disclosed plans to buy a chicken coop early next week.

Reacting to some criticism from Conservative groups, who expressed concern that the Facebook distraction may set the Nation’s economic recovery back months, Obama offered, “If you send me a friend request, I’ll send you a couple goats.”

Citizens Outraged at Growing Government

Report by Paul Reynolds, CT Chapter

From Maine to Oregon and all across our increasingly regulated country, the citizenry is reacting with fury to a government which has broken all Constitutional bounds and grown into a tyrannical behemoth.  What was supposed to be limited to virtually only foreign affairs, including national defense, and interstate commerce, the Federal Government has shaken off its Constitutional chains in order to police the daily lives of all Americans.  Roger Denehey. of the government watchdog group Constitution Restoration League contends, “The Federal Government abuses taxation to regulate speed limits and drinking ages, abuses the Interstate Commerce clause to regulate self-subsistence farmers, and creates hysteria to pass such abhorrent unconstitutional laws as the USA PATRIOT Act.”  

Reactions to the growing abuses of the Federal Government are growing in boldness.  Demonstrations in New York City, Los Angeles, and all major cities in between are increasing in frequency despite the arrests and illegal detention of protestors.  Additionally, anti-government graffiti is being found in inner cities and rural outposts alike.  In the boldest move to date, an unknown group defaced Mt. Rushmore over the weekend, painting “the gov’t sux” in huge letters below the face of George Washington.  Denehey, in commenting on the Rushmore graffiti suggested, “given the state of our government today, George, Tom, Abe, and Teddy would probably agree with the sentiment.”

AoE Reported the Election Results in March

Reminder by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Communications Officer

The election results come as no surprise for AoE members. As early as March of this year, the AoE reported that a group of elite "Progressive Neo-Cons" that secretly runs the American political mechanism had determined that Obama would be the next President of the United States.  That report stated, "Obama will be President, The Group will see to that,” stated a noted DC source, “and there is nothing you, or I, nor any well meaning independent investigator can do about it.” It seems that The Group enjoys the fallacy of the people electing an agent of change, when the result is invariably more bad, or worse, news for the citizens of this formerly great nation. “Obama will, of course, usher in more decimation of our Constitutional liberties if elected President,” speculated a DC lawmaker, “because, if he is elected, he is undoubtedly an agent of the organization that secretly runs this nation.”   

Jason Bateman: Greatest Actor Ever?

Citizen Spotlight Special Report by Thaddeus Stanley, AoE Senior Publications Officer

Since first turning heads as little James Cooper Ingalls alongside Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, critics have considered Jason Bateman one of the finest actors of our, or any, generation. With a resume that includes Silver Spoons, The Hogan Family, Chicago Sons, and Arrested Development, Bateman has solidified his place in the hearts of television viewing Americans. Add to that, silver screen turns in such hits as Teen Wolf Too, The Kingdom, and The Ex, and there is no doubt that Bateman is one of the finest actors to ever practice the art. But is he the best of all who have shadowed the stage and screen? What follows is a list of reasons that prove Jason Bateman is, in fact, the greatest actor the World has ever known.

Reason #1: Bateman survives being a child actor

Dana Plato, Tracy Gold, Emmanuel Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ricky Schroder, Natalie the heavy-set girl from The Facts of Life, and countless other child stars have fallen from the spotlight due to lack of talent or substance abuse. Though beginning his career when he was only 11, Jason Bateman withstood the test of time, carried on the back of raw talent and rugged good looks. Says former child actor Gary Coleman, “If I could kill [Jason] Bateman, and extract even half the talent that he carries in one of his little toes, I could rule Hollywood as a living thespian-god.” 

Reason #2: Other actors want to be him.

While most stars have fans that emulate them, and imitation is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery, the extent to which some actors have gone to mimic Jason Bateman is beyond psychotic. Take for instance, Michael J. Fox who reportedly had plastic surgery to look more like Bateman, and even took an acting job as the brother of Jason Bateman’s real life sister to understand his idol more completely. The cut-rate Bateman knock-off Fox, referring to Teen Wolf, stated, “Being asked by the producers to step in when Jason [Bateman] was unavailable was the highlight of my career. It was like for a couple months, I got to be Jason ... it was a surreal experience.” 

Reason #3: His sister is/was hot

Justine Bateman, pictured here with the talentless Jason Bateman wannabe hack that portrayed her brother on the sitcom Family Ties, is super hot ... or at least she was. Bateman’s sister reappeared briefly a decade or so ago in a sitcom with SNL’s Rob Schneider and still displayed the hotness she commanded during her Family Ties days, but has virtually disappeared since, so it is hard to know if she’s still hot. 

Reason #4: Range

Jason Bateman has portrayed an orphan, a bully, an older brother, a younger brother, a werewolf, a father, a son, and even, in a coup-de-force of theatrical depth, a man pretending to be a paraplegic. What’s more, when Bateman plays a son, the audience believes he’s a son, when he plays a brother, it’s as if he has been a brother all his life. Famed director Martin Scorsese said this about Jason Bateman, “I have never had an opportunity to work with Jason Bateman.”

Reason #5: Bateman’s work takes center-stage instead of personal life

The Brad Pitt’s and Julia Roberts’ of Hollywood are forced to supplement their acting with juicy insights into their sordid world of substance abuse and debauchery to keep audiences interested. Conversely, Bateman’s filmography is more than enough to satisfy the lusts of Hollywood consumers and keep them coming back for more. Jason doesn’t have to go public with “sex addiction” like Duchovny, or have sex with women, like Linsey Lohan, or get caught with a hooker like Hugh Grant, or make a sex tape like virtually every other washed up pop icon; with Bateman, it isn’t about off-screen sex, its about on-screen magic. The producer of Arrested Development once said of Bateman, “Jason doesn’t need a penis, because he makes love with the camera.”

To learn more about the actor-god Jason Bateman, see any one of a thousand fan sites dedicated to the greatest actor of all time, such as: http://www.jason-bateman.net

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Jared Pollard, NJ Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit, Ann Coulter, announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book, and related line of clothing.  The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter.  The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that History is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.”  Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”  

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing.  Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources.  The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores next week.

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

A Choice Between Republicrats and Demoblicans

Special OpEd by AoE Founding Member Dixie Larkin

Today is the crucial day for many political hopefuls, it’s sink or swim day ... the day that decides who gets their name upon the November ballot.  The Presidential candidates are already decided, but for those offices that we have all but forgotten exist, this very day, we can cast our voice via vote to select the best crooks of the bunch. 

This evening, with bated breath, our State Assembly/Senate/Congress hopefuls will be pacing the floor, awaiting the returns to see if they will progress in their quest to join the elite group of crooked swine who “lawfully” extort money from the good citizens of our states and nation.

Permit me to take an opportunity on this auspicious day to pose a question.  Why do we - and by “we” I mean “We the People,” the ordinary folk who punch the time clock, raise families, pay bills, drive minivans, etc. - feel the need to elect people who don’t understand our lives?  George W. Bush has never wondered where the next meal is coming from.  Al Gore, despite his environmental babble, pays more for his power bill, than many of us earn in a month.  Has Barack Obama ever cleaned a toilet, or dug a ditch, or changed the oil in a car in his adult life?  How many homes does John McCain and his wife own?  How are the people that we choose to represent us, similar to us?  And if they do not know what our lives are like, how can they truly represent us?

Year in and year out, we elect the wealthy elite (American Royalty) to make decisions concerning our hard earned money.  These are people who have never gone without, and can not conceive of life without the frills and spoils wealth brings.  State and Federal prisoners get air conditioning and cable TV because it would be “inhumane” for them to go without these necessities.  Meanwhile many law abiding Americans must suffer these “inhumane” conditions because they haven’t the money to afford it.  What is wrong with a country that treats its prisoners better than the working poor?

Don’t take this to mean that I begrudge the wealthy, I don’t.  The rich have every right to be rich.  Further, I’m not advocating for Republicans or Democrats, because I believe the party leaders of both to be completely out of touch with the lives and needs of Americans.  All that I am asking is why we continue to elect people who are out of touch with us.  Arrogance is not a virtue, and wealth is not a requirement for political office.  If we want representation, we should choose leaders who have the ability and understanding to represent us, else the dream our Constitution represents will become just another antiquated idea lost beneath the dust of time.