Congress to Approve $2 Trillion Increase in National Debt

Report by Harrison Davies, SC Chapter

House and Senate Democrats proposed a plan last week that would allow the government to go into as much as $14 trillion in debt.  The plan would permit our government to spend the money that they already spent this year on such failed schemes as TARP, Cash for Clunkers, and the so-called Economic Recovery Act.  When asked if any thought was given to borrowing and spending money that Federal Law forbade them to spend prior to enacting new increased debt limits, Sen Max Baucus (D-MT) replied, “I’m pretty sure Federal Laws don’t apply to us.”

Concern has been voiced by virtually every credible economist that the current levels of spending and borrowing will have devastating long-term effects on our nation and the economic well-being of our citizens.  “Seriously, the U.S. is set to default on $1 Trillion in debt, and our elected officials are proposing spending billions upon billions more on government-run health care and another economic stimulus package,” grumbled economist Steven Lobenstein, “how stupid can lawmakers be?”  

In response to the Congressional Democrats’ plan, the National Economist Council (NEC) proposed a new sign to designate the location of Congress in Washington DC.  Fashioned after signs used to point travelers to libraries around the country, the NEC is proposing that the signs (pictured right) be distributed around the nation’s capital so that tourists will easily be able to locate “the place were such asinine decisions are being made.”

ObamaCare To Promote Self-Medication, Suicide

Report by Janet Pennington-Davis, NY Chapter

President Barack Obama, who recently credited himself for “pulling our economy back from the brink” went on national television last week to plug a nationalized healthcare bill which many are calling ObamaCare.  Though neither the President nor any member of Congress have yet read the massive bill, Obama and key Democrats in both Houses are pushing passage of the bill before the American public has an opportunity to find out what is actually included in the healthcare plan.

Despite falling approval ratings prompted by rising unemployment and exploding national deficits, the President has taken up the task of producing a deal on the healthcare legislation that, if passed, will make substantial changes in the way Americans experience health care.  For instance, the bill mandates that doctors encourage patients suffering with depression to “self-medicate” with alcohol in order to keep medication costs down.  In a speech to the Senate on Monday, Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the self-medication provision as a “win-win for the American taxpayer.  Not only will taxpayers not have to pay for depressed people’s drugs, we will see higher tax revenue from increased sales of alcohol!”

An even more surprising aspect of the President’s healthcare plan is the promotion of assisted suicide for chronically ill patients.  In his address to the nation, Obama responded to a question about this controversial issue by saying, “With my plan, there will be a reduction in the number of sick people.  Assisted suicide is just one tool that will help us reach that goal, and fewer sick people is good thing.”

Study Shows Congress Still Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

In a follow up to a study done last year by Southern Michigan State University, it is reported that although more Americans than ever have lost faith in Congress, our elected official still have no clue that they suck.  Although their approval rating has plunged to about 6%, down from 13% less than a year ago, still, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen realize that they are despised by nearly 75% of the population.  Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT), who couldn’t be convinced last year that the study referred to both Republicans and Democrats, maintained that “Americans love Republicans” despite the electoral beat down the GOP received last November.  Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, recent convert to the Democrats, echoed Barbara Boxer’s (D-CA) sentiment from a year ago.  “I believe, deep down, Americans like a good screwing,” said Spector, “Republicans seem dejected since November, they don’t have the same enthusiasm for violating the American people that they had during the [George W.] Bush Administration.  I was forced to switch parties because of the new vigor with which Democrats have embraced remorselessly defiling the people of this great nation.”

Bush Orders Guns N’ Roses Back to Work

Report by Jan Lewis, CA Chapter

Citing “some regulation or something” that allows the President to send striking workers back to work, George W. Bush, Monday, ordered Slash (pictured right), Izzy, and Duff back into the Guns N’ Roses line up.  “If Axl (upper left) and Slash can’t get along and make kick ass rock ‘n roll records,” wondered Bush, “then how can Democrats and Republicans be expected to work together?”  

At a small ceremony at which Bush signed the order mandating GNR to reunite, Bush emphasized that Americans look up to Rock musicians and commented “In this, America’s hour of need, hacks like Finck, Stinson, and Pitman just don’t have the skills necessary to rally the spirit of this great land!”  Bush went on to pledge that “with order being restored to the House of Rock, so to will order be restored to our Nation’s economy.”  

To help ease the transition, federal agents took scab guitarist Ron “Bumblefoot” Thai (lower left) into custody early this morning with plans to detain him at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely.

Al Gore Breaks Vow of Celibacy by Having Sex with Tipper (1998)

On October 17, 1998, the AoE was the first to break the story of how, in a moment of extraordinary weakness, Al Gore gave in to his wife’s nagging requests for sexual satisfaction after nearly seventeen years of chastity.

Report by Malley Masterson, HI Chapter

The unfolding drama surrounding this latest domestic scandal involving the Gore’s, has many Washington pundits calling for an investigation into what is quickly being referred to as “TipperGate”. One Democratic Party insider was quoted as saying, “We’ve come to rely on Gore’s uncompromising seriousness and intensity, this single moment of weakness on Al’s part could completely change the make up of the Democratic Party. What with all the ex-hippies and young slackers that make up this party, we need Gore to show America that not all Democrats have a sense of humor.”

Experts predict that this unprecedented release of pent-up frustration, could lead to lower blood pressure and the occasional smile from Gore. This could spell disaster for the Democrats, who have, until now, been thought to have a lock on winning the next Presidential election on the strength of Gore’s stone-faced solemnness.

Though Gore has never publicly disclosed the exact length of time that he has abstained from sexual relations, those close to the Gore’s believe it to be close to seventeen years. “I think this is the first time since Albert III was conceived that they’ve physically expressed their love for one another,” revealed a confidant of Tipper’s. “It is precisely that kind of commitment to celibacy that has given Gore the icy determination to accomplish all he has,” noted one family friend, “and with one sweaty act, Gore may have released the very thing that held his career together.” Although Al may be, no other Democrats will be sleeping well this week.