Democrats Shocked to Learn Obama is White

Report by Sean Jensen, CT Chapter

Rich White Democrats across the country are bewildered, distraught, and even angry today upon learning from TMZ.com that President Barack Obama is actually White.  The Internet media outlet TMZ.com released shocking pictures this morning of Barack Obama frolicking on a beach with a portion of his lily white ass exposed.  The pictures, which TMZ has reportedly been in possession of for nearly a year, were released after Obama FCC appointee Michael Copps‘s recent proposal that the Federal Government regulate the content of media in all forms, including blogs and internet outlets, to ensure “positive, responsible, news and information.”

The pictures expose the fraud perpetrated on the American citizenry by Barack Obama, whom many rich White Democrats voted for to assuage their White guilt.  I would have followed Obama to his grave,” stated a furious Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “because it made me feel better about being rich and White.”  Ann Francis, a White Connecticut volunteer coordinator felt bamboozled by the revelation. “I vote for Obama because I grew up surrounded by Whites in an upscale neighborhood, I didn’t even meet an African American person until I was 23.” Francis wondered, “since Obama is White, and I therefore didn’t actually vote for an Afro-American, does this mean I’m still a racist?”  

The Obama Administration issued a statement saying only that “President Obama has never actually claimed to be Black” and that “any attempts to construe this information as deceit on the President’s part is only evidence of a Conservative media bias, the type of which would be addressed by Mr. Copps’s proposed regulation of media, which is why it is so vital that such regulations be passed as quickly as possible.”  The Rev. Al Sharpton responded to the news by saying, “It figures that the only way a Black man can get elected in this country is by being White!” 

Perez Hilton to Regulate Bloggers

Report by Antonio Soto, TX Chapter

[Editor’s Note: In an effort to abide by newly appointed Blogosphere Czar, Perez Hilton’s recent mandate that any blog articles that might be construed as “hate speech, such as racist, homophobic, and/or psuedo-puritanical Conservative bull[crap] must include an opportunity for response by an individual who voted for and supports the heroic efforts of President Barack Obama,” the AoE invited comedian and liberal political activist Janeane Garofalo to provide such a response.]

Just minutes after President Obama named gossip queen, Perez Hilton, to the newly created post of Blogosphere Czar, Hilton, who garnered national attention for his politically motivated question to Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean about gay marriage, announced that “the fairness doctrine would be applied to blogs to correct an ongoing problem of conservative bias with hundreds of the millions of blogs originating within the United States.”  Hilton, who continued by slapping his own ass and making an obscene gesture with his fingers, shouted, “I’m going to shut you ignorant, queer-hating, bee-itches down.”  

Garofalo:  “Here’s a better headline: ‘George Bush is an idiot!’” 

While many politically conservative and independent bloggers were alarmed by the news that blog content would now be regulated by an individual who clearly opposes any statements that are not consistent with an extremely liberal platform, President Obama reassured the public by saying, “Miss ... ter Hilton has shown courage and integrity through ... [indecipherable] use of electronic media, ... this individual, I believe, embodies the experience and character to guide this nation’s bloggers into a new electronic era.”

Garofalo:  “George W. Bush makes Perez Hilton look like a [fornicating] genius!”

According to Obama’s Executive Order 13512 which created the Blogosphere Czar position, Hilton may now promulgate any regulations upon bloggers that he sees fit “in order to ensure domestic tranquility and positive dialog via electronic media.”  Such an open-ended mandate allows Hilton to restrict what he called, “the ignorant, subversive ramblings of the Right,” despite calls from many bloggers that such restrictions and regulations will violate their Constitutional Freedom of Speech.

Garofalo:  “If stupidity is protected by the Constitution, then we should get rid of it ...”

[Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her insightful and eloquent responses.]

Congress to Vote on Regulation of Toilet Usage

Report by Mitchell Fairbanks, KS Chapter

Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) announced plans to introduce legislation to the House on Monday that will “end the thoughtless and dangerous misuse and waste of our nation’s toilet paper supplies.” The proposed bill seeks to monitor individuals’ lavatory usage and dole out appropriate lengths of bathroom tissue. Stark indicated, in a press release, that Transnational Securities Inc. stands ready to begin mass production of its WasteWatch 2000 Home Bathroom Tissue Monitor/Dispenser upon passage of the bill.

Gene Spendlove, longtime friend of Pete Stark and a generous contributor to Stark’s recent campaigns, is the President and CEO of Transnational. Spendlove described the ease of use with which one can use the 

WasteWatch 2000, saying, “First the user presses his or her finger against the print reader and selects “1” or “2” depending on the impending function. After that, the user keys in the corresponding nine digit social security number. Following a quick cross reference of the fingerprint and SSN in a national database, assuming there is a match, the toilet seat unlocks and an appropriate number of tissue squares is released. Selecting “1” will release 2 squares, while choosing “2” will release 4 squares.” Spendlove continued his explanation thusly, “Once the job is complete, the user scans his or her fingerprint again, then selects the brown button to flush, or the yellow button to forgo the flush, at which time the toilet seat cover closes and locks.”

The WasteWatch 2000, in accordance with the bill, will allow each user 20 toilet paper squares and three flushes each day. Additionally, because every toilet in the United States would be required to be wired into a national database, a user could not cheat the system by using the neighbor’s bathroom, or a stall at the mall, and would even continue monitoring citizens’ restroom habits despite their travels. Stark extolled the virtues of his bill by claiming that “America would reduce usage by about 70 percent, or roughly 20 billion rolls of toilet paper.” Further, Stark commented that, “because of the devastating impact that used toilet paper and human fecal matter has on our nation, any failure to comply would be deemed a violation of the Patriot Act on an ‘environmental terrorism’ theory.”