Uncle Sam Really Let Himself Go

OpEd by Edward Johnson, OR Chapter

Former fit and trim defender of liberty is now a lethargic and gluttonous slob. Unfortunately, time has not been kind to Uncle Sam, who has grown from 175 pounds to  nearly 400 pounds in only about 100 years.  Many speculate that the waistline growth of “Mr Government” is a direct result of the easy access to processed pork products and fast food.  I spoke with Uncle Sam recently and over the course of the conversation he ate an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  “That was indeed finger-lickin’ good,” remarked Uncle Sam as he searched his fat rolls for any hidden morsels flavored with the Colonel’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.”

I’m a busy man, and I don’t have time to cook.  I have increasingly been doing more and more for the American people over the years,” justified Uncle Sam, “I used to handle basically only foreign affairs and interstate commerce; now I plan for the retirements of about 300 million people - hello, time consuming - and dabble in health care, oversee public and corporate welfare, and am continually leaning on the States to adopt regulations that I believe will make the U.S. a better and safer place.  There is simply no time to hit the gym.”

It is true that the American people have grown increasingly dependent on Uncle Sam over the years.  Related to that phenomenon, we have given up more and more of our hard earned money to our beacon of freedom in order that we don’t have to take care of ourselves.  This influx of cash, has given Uncle Sam the means to eat out five to six times a day.  At this rate, our good uncle will continue to grow ever larger, exacerbating his morbidly obese condition.  Some dietary experts believe that Uncle Sam could reach 1000 pounds by the year 2075.  There is also concern about the health risks associated with the grossly overweight condition of our favorite uncle.  Brian Jenkins, of Weight Watch, contemplated Uncle Sam’s fate, “With every Big Mac, this American icon is shaving precious days from his life.”

There is certainly cause for concern, and without immediate action there will undoubtedly be dire consequences.  “Everyday he reminds me more of “Fat Bastard,” remarked Sen. Larry Craig, likening Uncle Sam to one of the evil characters in the Austin Powers films, “I have images of him grabbing civilians and yelling ‘get in ma belly’” .  “However, his over-indulgence in fried potatoes has done wonderful things for Idaho’s economy,” continued Craig, commenting, “and like myself, Uncle Sam agrees that tator tots are far and away the superior processed potato product.”  Though Idaho has cause for celebration in the short run, all Americans should be wary of the long-term consequences of Uncle Sam’s unprecedented growth.  If Uncle Sam keels over from a massive heart attack, the last, greatest bastion of our liberty will be gone.  

New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.

Politicians Bare All For Playgirl

Report by Pam Harris-Burkmeyer, KS Chapter

Playgirl magazine announced its annual Bad Boys of Government issue Thursday. This year’s issue features popular political icons Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and the terminably flaccid, yet still somehow exciting, Dick Cheney. Each fall, Playgirl exposes top world politicians for the viewing enjoyment of political groupies across the country and World. Eileen Harrington, an Iowa housewife, mother of six, and longtime Playgirl subscriber reacted to news of the issue with glee, saying, “With all the candidates being crooked amoral bastards without redeeming character, Playgirl gives [women] an independent yardstick with which to measure our male leaders. The September issue is available now at newsstands everywhere.

Congress to Vote on Regulation of Toilet Usage

Report by Mitchell Fairbanks, KS Chapter

Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) announced plans to introduce legislation to the House on Monday that will “end the thoughtless and dangerous misuse and waste of our nation’s toilet paper supplies.” The proposed bill seeks to monitor individuals’ lavatory usage and dole out appropriate lengths of bathroom tissue. Stark indicated, in a press release, that Transnational Securities Inc. stands ready to begin mass production of its WasteWatch 2000 Home Bathroom Tissue Monitor/Dispenser upon passage of the bill.

Gene Spendlove, longtime friend of Pete Stark and a generous contributor to Stark’s recent campaigns, is the President and CEO of Transnational. Spendlove described the ease of use with which one can use the 

WasteWatch 2000, saying, “First the user presses his or her finger against the print reader and selects “1” or “2” depending on the impending function. After that, the user keys in the corresponding nine digit social security number. Following a quick cross reference of the fingerprint and SSN in a national database, assuming there is a match, the toilet seat unlocks and an appropriate number of tissue squares is released. Selecting “1” will release 2 squares, while choosing “2” will release 4 squares.” Spendlove continued his explanation thusly, “Once the job is complete, the user scans his or her fingerprint again, then selects the brown button to flush, or the yellow button to forgo the flush, at which time the toilet seat cover closes and locks.”

The WasteWatch 2000, in accordance with the bill, will allow each user 20 toilet paper squares and three flushes each day. Additionally, because every toilet in the United States would be required to be wired into a national database, a user could not cheat the system by using the neighbor’s bathroom, or a stall at the mall, and would even continue monitoring citizens’ restroom habits despite their travels. Stark extolled the virtues of his bill by claiming that “America would reduce usage by about 70 percent, or roughly 20 billion rolls of toilet paper.” Further, Stark commented that, “because of the devastating impact that used toilet paper and human fecal matter has on our nation, any failure to comply would be deemed a violation of the Patriot Act on an ‘environmental terrorism’ theory.”