White House Bowling Alley Turned Pot Head Paradise

Report by Avis Jorgeson, CA Chapter

The White House has undergone many aesthetic changes over the years.  Each new First Family brings its own sense of style and preferences.  First Ladies bring their own sense of fashion to the living areas, while the President chooses furnishings for the Oval Office.  Among the controversial changes made by President Obama was replacing a portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with an artist’s rendering of Obama’s political hero, Adolf Hitlter.  Flaunting Socialist and tyrannical leanings is one thing, but White House historian and legal expert Walter Williams of the Millwright Institute says, “never has a President paraded his distain for U.S. law and the Office of the President as turning the White House into a working marijuana farm.”  The marijuana farm to which Williams refers is a room that was a bowling alley from Nixon’s time until just a few months ago.  Obama has since converted that room to house dozens of hydroponic marijuana plants which he grows for “green technology experiments and personal use”.

Obama, who sought to keep his indoor marijuana crop a secret, according to a White House source, was forced to reveal his illegal garden after a photographer to a picture of him leaving Air Force One caring a book titled The Homegardeners Guide to Growing Marijuana.  

White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

New Civics Curriculum Mandated by Education Dept.

Report by Leon Atherton, UT Chapter

Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced Monday that a new course will be offered at all schools across America, including home schools, effective fall of 2010.  The Federal mandate, or “initiative” as it is being called by Duncan will “tackle the new issues faced by our evolving society.”  Although the United Educators Association (UEA) support the mandate, many educators, including homeschooling families, claim a strong liberal bias.  Secretary Duncan (picture left with the world biggest douche bag) defended the new curriculum by saying, “This new course will inform students of current issues and help defray the effects of outdated and fallacious accounts of other forms of government propagated in decades past.  In short, it will prepare future decision makers to embrace the new direction that the evolved members of our American society is currently embracing rather than the antiquated ideas of segregation, Christianity, and individualism.”

The textbook (pictured right) for the course, which has been produced by Duncan’s Education Department, has been released to educators to preview for the upcoming school year.  Among the features that have some educators and almost all homeschooling families outraged, is a fold-out poster (pictured left) which must be displayed in a prominent place in the room used for educating students.  Says Emily Steinmetz, a homeschooling mother from Ohio, “I’m being forced to promote a system of government, in my home, that opposes religious worship.  Further the textbook itself vilifies Christian tenets as hateful and wrong.”  A public educator from Banger, Maine, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his job, decried the new course saying, “This is just a thin veiled attempt to brainwash our children into accepting the liberal agenda and destroy the Christian, Capitalist, and Individualist foundations of our nation.”

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”

Perez Hilton to Regulate Bloggers

Report by Antonio Soto, TX Chapter

[Editor’s Note: In an effort to abide by newly appointed Blogosphere Czar, Perez Hilton’s recent mandate that any blog articles that might be construed as “hate speech, such as racist, homophobic, and/or psuedo-puritanical Conservative bull[crap] must include an opportunity for response by an individual who voted for and supports the heroic efforts of President Barack Obama,” the AoE invited comedian and liberal political activist Janeane Garofalo to provide such a response.]

Just minutes after President Obama named gossip queen, Perez Hilton, to the newly created post of Blogosphere Czar, Hilton, who garnered national attention for his politically motivated question to Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean about gay marriage, announced that “the fairness doctrine would be applied to blogs to correct an ongoing problem of conservative bias with hundreds of the millions of blogs originating within the United States.”  Hilton, who continued by slapping his own ass and making an obscene gesture with his fingers, shouted, “I’m going to shut you ignorant, queer-hating, bee-itches down.”  

Garofalo:  “Here’s a better headline: ‘George Bush is an idiot!’” 

While many politically conservative and independent bloggers were alarmed by the news that blog content would now be regulated by an individual who clearly opposes any statements that are not consistent with an extremely liberal platform, President Obama reassured the public by saying, “Miss ... ter Hilton has shown courage and integrity through ... [indecipherable] use of electronic media, ... this individual, I believe, embodies the experience and character to guide this nation’s bloggers into a new electronic era.”

Garofalo:  “George W. Bush makes Perez Hilton look like a [fornicating] genius!”

According to Obama’s Executive Order 13512 which created the Blogosphere Czar position, Hilton may now promulgate any regulations upon bloggers that he sees fit “in order to ensure domestic tranquility and positive dialog via electronic media.”  Such an open-ended mandate allows Hilton to restrict what he called, “the ignorant, subversive ramblings of the Right,” despite calls from many bloggers that such restrictions and regulations will violate their Constitutional Freedom of Speech.

Garofalo:  “If stupidity is protected by the Constitution, then we should get rid of it ...”

[Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her insightful and eloquent responses.]

Administration to Apply Affirmative Action to Camping

Report by Gregg Childress, CO Chapter

Each year millions of Americans take to the great outdoors to enjoy a weekend of camping with friends and family. In the past, those millions of Americans have been almost exclusively White. President Obama, in a speech announcing the assent of former White House correspondent Helen Thomas to the newly created post of Camping Czar, said, “In this exciting new era of change, we must change how we view camping, and encourage people of all colors and creeds to explore and enjoy the vast opportunities camping has to offer. I believe Helen Thomas is just the person to guide this country into the new integrated camping millennium.

The 88 year-old Thomas, who has never actually done any camping herself, but has on several occasions been to Camp David to cover peace talks, announced that her first official act as Camping Czar would be to mandate that 10 percent of camping sites in every campground in the U.S. be reserved for minority campers. Campground operators across the country were outraged by the news, claiming it would cost them thousands each year in lost revenue as 9.99 percent of their campsites would remain vacant despite the demand by White campers.

Larry Smith, an avid White camper from Glenwood Springs, CO, complained, “There aren’t enough campsites as it is. Besides, camping and hockey are the only sports that Whites still dominate, so now what are [Whites] supposed to do during the summer?.” Other White campers such as David Newberger of Tennessee have already began thinking of ways around the upcoming regulation. “I know a guy that works with a Black guy,” said Newberger, “I’ll ask him if he can talk the Black guy into going camping with me. That way, I’ll get a campsite guaranteed!”

Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.

Obama Sells North Dakota to Rap Mogul

Report by Seth Eitner, NY Chapter

In an apparent effort to generate funds in the hope of halting the U.S. economic free fall, President Barack Obama, yesterday, authorized the sale of North Dakota to music icon Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Combs, formerly known as “Puff Daddy”, was awarded the State of North Dakota for what some consider to be a paltry $47 million.  Some opponents of the deal are upset because the deal was pushed through quickly without allowing other parties to bid on the state, while many North Dakota residents were understandably dismayed that the Federal Government would sell their state out from under them.  A group of over 300 North Dakotians protested the sale today outside the capital building in Bismark, chanting “Go to Hell. We’re not for sale” before being showered with rubber bullets by a hastily assembled interim army wearing a fashionable ensemble designed by Combs under the Sean John label.

Among the critics of the sale are celebrities Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, David Hasselhoff, and Willie Nelson.  “Yo, a deal like this should have been an auction open to the public,” said Jay-Z in response to the sale, “back room deals like this are precisely why Americans don’t trust the government.  Snoop Dogg agree with that sentiment by adding, “Fo’ Shizzle!”  Hasslehoff reportedly was interested in creating a “State of Inebriation”, while Nelson admitted he just wanted a place to smoke marijuana without being hassled.

Combs, in a statement released today, stated that the new nation would be called “Nubia” with himself ruling under the title “Grand Nubian” in the yet to be created capital city of Diddyopolis.  Rather than a representative democracy in the mold of the U.S., Nubia would have a “Parliament Funkadelic” and a Prime Minister type position called the “MC Prime”.  Although Diddy hasn’t settled on who he will appoint as the first MC Prime of Nubia, it is rumored that 50 Cent and Posdnuos from De La Soul are the top contenders for the post.  “The MC Prime will handle most of the day-to-day government [excrement],” announced Combs, “but I’ll being taking a decidedly more hands on role than that ol’ biddy in England.”  

President Obama called the deal a success saying, “Think of this as a real estate deal.  [The U.S.] bought the land from the Indians for a couple beads and now we’ve flipped it for $47 million.  Plus we don’t have to throw away any more stimulus money on that wasteland.”  When asked if it wouldn’t cost at least $47 million to replace the 50 star flags with 49 star flags, Obama indicated that he was considering making Puerto Rico a State to alleviate that expense.  “I’ve been to Puerto Rico and it’s beautiful, responded the President, “what’s North Dakota got? Dirt and snow, that what.  It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.

Study Shows Congress Still Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

In a follow up to a study done last year by Southern Michigan State University, it is reported that although more Americans than ever have lost faith in Congress, our elected official still have no clue that they suck.  Although their approval rating has plunged to about 6%, down from 13% less than a year ago, still, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen realize that they are despised by nearly 75% of the population.  Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT), who couldn’t be convinced last year that the study referred to both Republicans and Democrats, maintained that “Americans love Republicans” despite the electoral beat down the GOP received last November.  Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, recent convert to the Democrats, echoed Barbara Boxer’s (D-CA) sentiment from a year ago.  “I believe, deep down, Americans like a good screwing,” said Spector, “Republicans seem dejected since November, they don’t have the same enthusiasm for violating the American people that they had during the [George W.] Bush Administration.  I was forced to switch parties because of the new vigor with which Democrats have embraced remorselessly defiling the people of this great nation.”

Obama’s Disturbing Fascination With Hitler

Report by Hector Sanchez, NM Chapter

Far from villainizing the architect of the Third Reich, Adolf Hilter, President Barack Obama appears to have a morbid fascination with the man responsible for the deaths of millions of innocents during his reign in Germany.  Barack Obama has gone so far to flaunt his admiration for Hitler, that he has replaced the traditional portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with one of Adolf Hitler (pictured here during a meeting with Vice President Biden and key advisors.

More frightning than Obama’s veneration for one of the 20th Century’s most dastardly tyrants, is the new President’s desire to emulate the man that most of the World regards as one of the cruelest monsters in history.  Obama reportedly cited the success of Hitler’s state-run car company, Volkswagon, as a major reason for Obama’s hostile takeover of General Motors.  Additionally, sources close to President Obama have leaked rumors that the President refers to Evangelical Christians as “my Jews”, and furthermore, is emptying Gitmo prisons of Islamic militants “to make room America’s biggest threat” namely those Christians who “cling to their God and their guns”.  It is reported that Obama believes the U.S. will be a stronger more powerful nation “if the Christian virus is removed from our national bloodstream”.

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

The Truth Behind Limbaugh’s Rhetoric Concerning Sotomayor

Report by John Price, KY Chapter

A broken heart is apparently behind nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s recent attacks against President Obama’s pick to replace Justice Souter on the Nation’s top Court.  It is being whispered that Limbaugh, who announced during his live broadcast Tuesday that he “hopes she fails”, was romantically linked to Justice-to-be Sonia Sotomayor for over two years between 2004 and 2007.  A source close to Sotomayor revealed that “Rush [Limbaugh] was head over heals for Sonia [Sotomayor], but he couldn’t meet certain needs of hers.  They tried therapy and medication, but “quickdraw”, as Sonia called him, couldn’t control his ... problem.  Sonia had a lot of patience, but in the end she wanted a man who could give her what she needed, so she dumped him.”

Although Limbaugh’s camp has vehemently denied the allegations of a romantic affair between the popular radio personality and the first potential Latino to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court, pictures of the two have surfaced that indicate a relationship existed.  “Limbaugh and [Sotomayor] would often take trips on his boat and be gone for days at a time,” explained Bill Jackson, a Florida resident who docks his boat in the same marina used by Limbaugh.  “They’d often be arguing when they came ashore, Limbaugh would be complaining that it wasn’t his fault, the rough water made him anxious or some such thing.  She’d yell ‘whatever speedy’ and storm off.”

Man Realizes Dream, Kills 24

Report by Ed Gilderbraith, IN Chapter

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood condemned narcoleptic truck drivers Monday after a semi truck, helmed by 38 year old Nelson Felcher, careened into a strip mall parking lot Saturday killing 24 and injuring 30.  Felcher (pictured left), a lifelong narcoleptic, graduated from Munz Truck Driving School in Muncie, Indiana in February at the top of his class.  Bill Villenichek, an instructor at Munz, called Felcher a “model student” and said “sure he had a tendency to fall asleep while driving, but nobody is perfect, and beside he could back a trailer into a tuna can ... he was amazing.”

LaHood who became the 16th Transportation Secretary on January 23rd of this year, and has done relatively nothing since taking office, chose this incident to make his first public statement.  “The United States can’t sit idly by and let drivers fall asleep any longer, they are a public menace.  This incident illustrates a need for fundamental change in transportation in this country,” stated Lahood, “we are in the midst of a transportation crisis ... a crisis that demands nationalized driver licensing and strict federal regulation.”  Felcher responded to LaHood’s criticism by crying, “Discrimination, that’s what this is.  The Obama administration is targeting people with disabilities.  If this was WWII Germany, I’d probably be hauled off to an extermination camp for narcoleptics. 

Felcher, who believed he could overcome his disorder with the help of crystal meth, went on describe the pure joy he felt upon receiving his Commercial Drivers License (CDL), “It was a lifelong goal achieved, it was kind of like the first person with a disability walking on the moon.  I proved that even though someone may uncontrollably fall asleep, they can still reach the stars.  I guess Obama and his cronies in Washington just don’t want the little people to live the American Dream.”  Although Felcher’s dream cost 24 people their lives, he will still be driving a truck until the Indiana drivers licensing review board reviews his case at a hearing in August.

Congress Unveils Bipartisan Plan to Wipe its Collective Ass With Constitution.

Report by Luther Jacobs, TN Chapter

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stood cheering wildly Friday morning after House Minority Leader John Boehner and House Majority Whip James Clyburn introduced historic legislation that, if signed into law, would change the look of toilet paper used by our nation’s leaders. Boehner and Clyburn cited President Obama’s desire for transparency as a reason to support the legislation, saying, “The Federal Government, [Congress] included, has been wiping its figurative ass with the Constitution for generations. Let’s be honest and give the people an accurate, tangible picture of how we really feel about our founding documents.” The pair went on to laud the bipartisan nature of the bill and the jobs, albeit in South America, that would be created to produce the specialty bathroom tissue.

Boehner and Clyburn took a few minutes after the House session to speak with the press about the bill. After dodging several questions about the pronunciation of his last name, Boehner was asked if using the toilet paper would violate his oath to defend and uphold the Constitution? Boehner, clearly confused, whispered something to Clyburn, who also seemed bewildered by the question. After recovering, Boehner responded, “any Oaths or old parchments are obviously ceremonial in nature and have little to do with the decisions that governmental leaders make on a day to day basis.” Clyburn added, “[Curse] the Constitution!”

Obama Transition Team Halts Work Upon Discovering New Facebook Application

Report by Jan Sommerset, RI Chapter

According to sources close to the Obama-Biden Transition Team, preparations for the new Administration came to a screeching halt earlier this week after a couple members of the team received invites for MyFarm on Facebook.  The application, which is a virtual farming simulator, was quickly shared with other members of the team.  By Wednesday, the team’s focus had shifted from matters of State to sending trees, horses, cows, and chickens to each other, as well as planting and harvesting various crops.

In a press conference Friday, Obama announced that his virtual farm was doing very well.  “I am pleased to announce that I have raised enough MyFarm cash to buy a barn,” reported the President-Elect, “and plan to harvest a heathy crop of apples early tomorrow.”  Obama, who noted that he favors planting strawberries and rice rather than potatoes, disclosed plans to buy a chicken coop early next week.

Reacting to some criticism from Conservative groups, who expressed concern that the Facebook distraction may set the Nation’s economic recovery back months, Obama offered, “If you send me a friend request, I’ll send you a couple goats.”

AoE Reported the Election Results in March

Reminder by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Communications Officer

The election results come as no surprise for AoE members. As early as March of this year, the AoE reported that a group of elite "Progressive Neo-Cons" that secretly runs the American political mechanism had determined that Obama would be the next President of the United States.  That report stated, "Obama will be President, The Group will see to that,” stated a noted DC source, “and there is nothing you, or I, nor any well meaning independent investigator can do about it.” It seems that The Group enjoys the fallacy of the people electing an agent of change, when the result is invariably more bad, or worse, news for the citizens of this formerly great nation. “Obama will, of course, usher in more decimation of our Constitutional liberties if elected President,” speculated a DC lawmaker, “because, if he is elected, he is undoubtedly an agent of the organization that secretly runs this nation.”   

Obama Confuses Former Hotties

Report by Don Hanson, DE Chapter

After a stump speech Friday in Dover, DE, while making idle small talk with a group of “commoners” fawning over the would-be next President of the United States, Barack Obama responded to questions about former Hollywood vixen Heather Locklear (pictured right).  John Marshall, a former Dover area high school football star and current part-time janitor at his former high school, lamenting that “all the political bull[puckey] going on was too depressing to talk about,” said that it was he who initially steered Obama to the topic of Locklear.  “I always thought [Locklear] was hot, and since I have virtually nothing in common with Mr. Obama, I figured we could talk about hot chicks.”

What subsequently seeped from the Democratic Senator’s mouth shocked not only Marshall, but most of the other Obama devotees leaning on Barack’s every word.  “I think that tired old [actress] is tore up.  Yeah, [Locklear] used to be hot back when she was on The Fall Guy,” ranted Obama, “but now she looks more like that ol’ biddy (pictured left) married to John McCain.”  Following the outburst by the Presidential frontrunner, Marshall, shocked and dismayed, shook his head mournfully and muttered “what kind of idiot confuses Heather Locklear with Heather Thomas?”

Washington News In Brief

Scientists Fear Political Eruption Imminent

Report by Walter Hodges, OR Chapter

Government Seismologists cautioned Wednesday that underlying emotions stoked by political schisms are threatening to erupt in many areas of the country.  “The threat is particularly dangerous in so-called ‘battle ground’ states where the public is constantly bombarded with negative campaign ads,” says Dr. Francis Norton of the United States Geological Survey (USGS).  The USGS is suggesting that citizens avoid artificial stimulants such as caffeine and meth-amphetamines, and limiting exposure to political stimuli like political ads and that annoying guy at work with all the bumper stickers who won’t shut up about how only an idiot would vote for so-and-so.

Liberals Call GOP Billboard Racist

Report by Alan Bostwick, MN Chapter

Liberal political action committee (PAC) MoveOn.Org issued a statement on Tuesday demanding that billboards recently erected by the Republican National Committee (RNC) be removed immediately.  The billboards in question point out the difference between the so called “fast lane” and “slow lane”, and bill the ad as a “Public Service Announcement”. 

MoveOn.Org called the ad campaign as racist and demeaning to both Asians and Gays.  “Everyone knows that Asians and Gays are the world’s worst drivers, and this is an obvious attack on those people groups by the hate-mongers on the Right,” says MoveOn founder Joan Blades.  RNC spokesman Bill Daniels responded to the accusations by asking, “What?!”

Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”

Pelosi Offers to “Take One For The Team”

Report by Nancy Baker, NV Chapter

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who endured accusations about methamphetamine use earlier this year, reportedly told Democratic nominee Barack Obama that she would “take one for the team” and seduce John McCain to ruin his reputation.  McCain, who is rumored to have a soft spot for tweekers, is thought to be an easy mark for the ghastly thin Pelosi.  Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who has been teasing McCain for the past several years with such advances as tickling his privates during pivotal votes, believes she can get the former prisoner of war to engage in a little “John Edwards style love” thus endangering his bid for the White House.  It is rumored that Obama responded to the plan by saying, “I see nothing, I know nothing.”