Senator Webb on Snack Cake Sex

Report by Felix Masterson, WA Chapter

Fresh off the heels of his successful Kama Sutra for the Obese, Senator Jim Webb  (D-VA) is set to release his second sex-help book, this time focusing on snack cake copulation.  The self-described “self-taught sexpert” Webb was not surprised by the reception his first Kama Sutra book enjoyed.  “Everybody likes sex, but not everyone can enjoy the tawdry positions described in the original Kama Sutra.  Let’s face it, not everyone is a skinny Indian.”  While Webb’s first guide focused as much on the sturdy apparatus needed to accomplish the difficult sexual positions as the positions themselves, a sex guide for snack cakes provided a new array of challenges.

“Snack cakes are unlike fat people in many ways,” explain Senator Webb.  “For one, they don’t have skin, they have either a cake-like exterior shell, or are often covered in a perservative-rich frosting.  Compounding the problem, is the constant danger of their cream-filled goodness being squeezed out prematurely if the snack cake is twisted or pressure applied incorrectly.”  Webb dedicated the book to the many brave snowballs, twinkies, ho ho’s, ding dongs, and fruit pies who were injured in the course of research done for the book.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who provided the forward for the book and who has had, according to tabloids, a long running affair with snack cake icon Twinkie the Kid, called the work a “long awaited resource for a sadly neglected minority.”

Senator Jim Webb on Chubby Love

Report by Karla Davies, VA Chapter

Author and Senator, Jim Webb (D-VA), announced Thursday that he is set to release a new book at the month’s end.  The book, which departs from his usual fare of military/intimate fiction and even his lastest non-fiction work, concentrates on the ancient Indian art of love-making, but with a twist.  “Anyone can write about sex,” said Webb, “I’ve proved that with my novels.  What makes this book different is that it focuses on fat sex - a decidedly trickier endeavor.”  Because of the reduced flexibility and extra body mass characteristic of the obese, “many of the tawdry and exciting positions I enjoy are simply unrealistic for portly mates, and many others are made possible only with the help of sturdy girders and customized mounting platforms,” asserted Webb.  “This guide not only describes the relevant mating positions, but includes detailed instructions for constructing the various reinforced platforms that make them possible.”

Webb, who has been a fan of sex, the obese, and small construction projects for years, found the challenge of melding these three obsessions into one project “scintillating”.  “The foundations for this book were laid over 20 years ago as I was building a bird house while watching amateur porn,” revealed the US Senator.  “Somewhere in the back of my mind this idea germinated, and has been waiting for my brain-cervix to open and let it out ever since.”

Senator Webb has made headlines before for his sex-centered writing, particularly during his successful 2006 Senate bid.  His 1981 novel, A Sense of Honor, described the sexual exploits of naughty Nurse Goodbody, while Webb’s 1991 novel, Something to Die For, painstakingly detailed an exotic dancer’s use of fruit.  While some critics have trashed much of Webb’s writing as something akin to Letters to Penthouse, the self-styled “sexpert” Webb calls his work “a raw and sometimes intimate look at life as seen from the viewpoint of men in uniform.  Granted I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination where sex is concerned, and I’ve got a tendency to throw that in where I can.”