Senator Jim Webb on Chubby Love

Report by Karla Davies, VA Chapter

Author and Senator, Jim Webb (D-VA), announced Thursday that he is set to release a new book at the month’s end.  The book, which departs from his usual fare of military/intimate fiction and even his lastest non-fiction work, concentrates on the ancient Indian art of love-making, but with a twist.  “Anyone can write about sex,” said Webb, “I’ve proved that with my novels.  What makes this book different is that it focuses on fat sex - a decidedly trickier endeavor.”  Because of the reduced flexibility and extra body mass characteristic of the obese, “many of the tawdry and exciting positions I enjoy are simply unrealistic for portly mates, and many others are made possible only with the help of sturdy girders and customized mounting platforms,” asserted Webb.  “This guide not only describes the relevant mating positions, but includes detailed instructions for constructing the various reinforced platforms that make them possible.”

Webb, who has been a fan of sex, the obese, and small construction projects for years, found the challenge of melding these three obsessions into one project “scintillating”.  “The foundations for this book were laid over 20 years ago as I was building a bird house while watching amateur porn,” revealed the US Senator.  “Somewhere in the back of my mind this idea germinated, and has been waiting for my brain-cervix to open and let it out ever since.”

Senator Webb has made headlines before for his sex-centered writing, particularly during his successful 2006 Senate bid.  His 1981 novel, A Sense of Honor, described the sexual exploits of naughty Nurse Goodbody, while Webb’s 1991 novel, Something to Die For, painstakingly detailed an exotic dancer’s use of fruit.  While some critics have trashed much of Webb’s writing as something akin to Letters to Penthouse, the self-styled “sexpert” Webb calls his work “a raw and sometimes intimate look at life as seen from the viewpoint of men in uniform.  Granted I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination where sex is concerned, and I’ve got a tendency to throw that in where I can.”

GOP Delivers Tasteless 'Get Well' Gift to Kennedy

Report by Myron Furgess, MA Chapter

The Republican National Committee delivered a headstone to the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport, MA where Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) is recovering from brain surgery. Kennedy underwent surgery earlier this month to remove a malignant brain tumor which was revealed following a sudden seizure in mid May.

Though, disgust was voiced from every end of the political spectrum, RNC Chairperson, Mike Duncan, defended the gift as a “harmless joke,” then added, “I hope he holds on until January because we already had the year 2009 engraved.”  

DNC Announces New Fundraiser

Report by Harold Wand, NE Chapter

The Democratic National Committee, in the face of economic hardships that have been hampering donation revenues, today unveiled a new strategy to raise money. For the first time, the DNC will be selling coupon books filled with various discounts on such things as Congresspersons’ votes and entrance to closed sessions of Congress. The DNC Congressional Coupon Book, which will be sold for $25,000, is aimed at ultra-rich liberals, corporations, and PACs.

 “Coupon books like this have been used for years by small organizations with great success,” stated Howard Dean, DNC President, continuing excitedly, “We’re simply taking this familiar concept to a whole new level!”

Detractors of the fundraising scheme have questioned the ethics of promoting the sale of votes and access to closed sessions of congressional committee meetings. “The DNC is basically saying that if you have enough money, their lawmakers are for sale. What happened to Democrats looking out for the little guy?” questioned Ohio Teamster Alan Petrovski. Dean addressed such sentiments by calling politics a “catch 22 situation” and saying, “we can’t help the lower and middle classes without money from the rich, and we can’t get money from the rich without selling out the lower and middle classes.”

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

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Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”

Kennedy to Subsidize Snack Cakes

Report by Jennifer Gomez, MA Chapter

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) announced today that he will introduce a bill to the Senate tomorrow that will provide subsidies to Hostess, the maker of such beloved snack cakes as Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, and Ding Dongs. Kennedy defended the Snack Cake Assistance Act (S. 2974) by saying, “Despite the current economic downturn, Americans should not be deprived of necessities such as housing, electricity, and delicious Hostess goodness.”

Kennedy, a consummate nosher of Hostess brand snack cakes, has been romantically linked to Twinkie the Kid, the spokesfigure for Hostess Twinkies, and there is some rumblings on Capital Hill that this relationship is the impetus for the bill. Rumors of a long standing extramarital affair between Kennedy and Twinkie the Kid have circulated in Washington since the early 90’s. While many consider the affair to be homosexual in nature, many, despite the phallic nature of the snack cake, are reserving judgment until the sex of the spokesfigure can be ascertained. Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) defended Kennedy by saying, “There is no concrete evidence that Ted and Twinkie have been involved sexually. I believe Ted when he says they’re just friends; besides, if together, they are both consenting ... participants.”

The bill, to be introduced Tuesday, already has the informal support of many portly members in the Senate, however lobbyists for Little Debbie are readying an attack if the Act isn’t broadened to encompass the makers of competing snack cakes.