White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

Albright Implicated in Sex for Oil Scandal (3/8/99)

AoE Newsletter Issue #94 reported that the Senior Cabinet member was alleged to have provided sexual favors to the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia in exchange for more liberal oil export policies for the U.S.

Report from AoE Newletter by Roger Mintz, VA Chapter (March, 1999)

Despite her critics, Secretary Albright has certainly gone above and beyond for her Commander-in-Chief; recent allegations of Albright engaging in sexual relations at the President’s request seem to back up that claim. If the accusations are true, Madam Secretary can add ‘International Call Girl’ to her already impressive resume.

The alleged receiver of Albright’s sexual services is the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia, Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud, the de facto ruler of the oil rich empire since 1996. The Prince holds the key to much of the World’s oil reserves, and the major U.S. oil companies depend upon Saudi oil to turn tremendous profits providing refined petroleum products to domestic industries and consumers.

A DC insider close to the Clinton Administration disclosed that, “Albright has done an extraordinary service for the United States and should be viewed as a hero instead of a whore. If it weren’t for the brave acts provided by Albright to the Prince, our economy which is driven primarily by Big Oil could have been hard hit if the Saudis restricted oil exports.

It is no secret that the Saudi Prince has eye for older women, just last year it was rumored that he briefly courted Albright’s fellow American, Helen Thomas. It is likely that the Clinton Administration used this information to its advantage in sending Albright to “negotiate” on the oil issue.

The current Administration could benefit quite handsomely from the favorable outcome of the recent oil talks. The Clinton’s as well as the Gore’s have a great deal of money tied up on the oil industry as well has having received significant campaign contributions from major oil companies in the past. It is speculated by some pundits that the alleged “sex for oil” program has more to do with personal gain than America’s economic well-being. Given the personal assets that Albright has tied up in the Oil Industry, her potential gain from the oil stocks she holds could make her the highest paid prostitute in the World.  President Bill Clinton quickly decried the allegations, declaring that, “The Prince did not have sexual relations with that woman, Madeleine Albright.”

Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”