White House Bowling Alley Turned Pot Head Paradise

Report by Avis Jorgeson, CA Chapter

The White House has undergone many aesthetic changes over the years.  Each new First Family brings its own sense of style and preferences.  First Ladies bring their own sense of fashion to the living areas, while the President chooses furnishings for the Oval Office.  Among the controversial changes made by President Obama was replacing a portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with an artist’s rendering of Obama’s political hero, Adolf Hitlter.  Flaunting Socialist and tyrannical leanings is one thing, but White House historian and legal expert Walter Williams of the Millwright Institute says, “never has a President paraded his distain for U.S. law and the Office of the President as turning the White House into a working marijuana farm.”  The marijuana farm to which Williams refers is a room that was a bowling alley from Nixon’s time until just a few months ago.  Obama has since converted that room to house dozens of hydroponic marijuana plants which he grows for “green technology experiments and personal use”.

Obama, who sought to keep his indoor marijuana crop a secret, according to a White House source, was forced to reveal his illegal garden after a photographer to a picture of him leaving Air Force One caring a book titled The Homegardeners Guide to Growing Marijuana.  

White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.