Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Lawmakers to Stop Tickling Children

Report by Hans Dingler, NH Chapter

The House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for Congressmen, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The newest version of the Committee’s Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says House members may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.  

Victim advocates who have criticized Congress for its handling of abuse cases in the past say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.  The Senate has plans to follow suit with similar guidelines, but is expected to await a formal recommendation from child sex expert Senator Larry Craig (R-ID).

Study Shows Congress Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

A recent study released by Southern Michigan State University revealed the total lack of self-awareness that characterizes U.S. Senators and Representatives. According to the research, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen are aware that nobody likes them. During the course of the study, Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT) responded to questions about Congressional approval rating being as low as 13% by deludedly responding, “I think that refers to Democrats, I’m pretty sure that Americans love Republicans.” Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) replied to the same query, “Who the Hell cares? Those idiots keep electing us.” The SMSU researchers plan a follow up study to determine just exactly why Americans keep electing dumb-asses to lead this country.

Britney Spears Stumps for McCain, Leaves Kids in Car

Report by Edith McPherson, MT Chapter

Troubled mother and pop diva Britney Spears lent her support to Republican White House hopeful John McCain at a rally Thursday morning at the expense of her children. Spears attended the rally looking chic in an orange and yellow number that prominently displayed her toned midriff, and tight black jeans. The pop star, though looking fabulous, clearly showed why former husband Kevin Federline has primary custody of their children. While Britney took the stage waving an inadvertently upside-down McCain sign, her two young children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, languished in the backseat of her Mercedes-Benz CL Class.

Though Sen. McCain introduced Spears as “a patriot and inspiration to young people” at the rally, Federline responded to her leaving the kids in the cars by saying Britney was an “unscrupulous whore and an embarrassment to her children and celebrities in general.” Following the rally, the children were treated minor heat exhaustion and returned to the care of their father.

Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”