Congress Unveils Bipartisan Plan to Wipe its Collective Ass With Constitution.

Report by Luther Jacobs, TN Chapter

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stood cheering wildly Friday morning after House Minority Leader John Boehner and House Majority Whip James Clyburn introduced historic legislation that, if signed into law, would change the look of toilet paper used by our nation’s leaders. Boehner and Clyburn cited President Obama’s desire for transparency as a reason to support the legislation, saying, “The Federal Government, [Congress] included, has been wiping its figurative ass with the Constitution for generations. Let’s be honest and give the people an accurate, tangible picture of how we really feel about our founding documents.” The pair went on to laud the bipartisan nature of the bill and the jobs, albeit in South America, that would be created to produce the specialty bathroom tissue.

Boehner and Clyburn took a few minutes after the House session to speak with the press about the bill. After dodging several questions about the pronunciation of his last name, Boehner was asked if using the toilet paper would violate his oath to defend and uphold the Constitution? Boehner, clearly confused, whispered something to Clyburn, who also seemed bewildered by the question. After recovering, Boehner responded, “any Oaths or old parchments are obviously ceremonial in nature and have little to do with the decisions that governmental leaders make on a day to day basis.” Clyburn added, “[Curse] the Constitution!”

Clinton to Madison: take that Constitution and shove it! (5/14/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue # 86: President Clinton gave chief architect of the United States Constitution James Madison, a postmortem slap in the face, adding, “You know where you can stick that parchment bitch!” 

Report by Dan Janson, VA chapter. (May 1998)

Clinton’s attack on Madison came as a shock to many in Washington. “We’ve all trampled the Constitution, which is no big deal because it was written like 200 years ago, back when there wasn’t even microwaves, but to dig up the former president just to smite him was probably going to far,” commented one legislator. The long deceased Founding Father responded to the attack by immediately turning to dust as the shock of the attack on his weathered and deteriorated bones was simply too much for his weakened skeletal structure to handle.

The assault came just one hour after Clinton signed an Executive Order making state and local governments subservient to federal regulators. This is just the latest in a series of attacks on state sovereignty, the Constitution, and the rights of the American people. Clinton defended the Order and the attack on Madison’s corpse by saying, “I am just so sick of looking at that picture of Madison in the White House, he drove me to this point by continually staring at me disapprovingly from inside his frame, as if to say ‘that’s not what Constitution says.’ Screw Madison and screw his stupid Constitution; It’s my country now and I’ll do as I please!”

Obama Completes Tour of Future U.S. Territory

Report by John Palatini, WV Chapter

Democratic contender Barack Obama followed up his tour of Jordan, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq, with a stop over in Israel where he pledged to continue the work of George W. Bush on the creation of a U.S. controlled Middle East Territory. Obama spent time with the various leaders during his trip discussing the role they would play after the U.S. reorganization. The planned territory would stretch east from what is now Jordan through the present nation of Afghanistan. Iran, which is scheduled for conquest before the end of 2010, is to be included in the new U.S. territory

Obama, speaking to the Israeli people, announced “a new era of peace for Israel” brought about by the new U.S. territory. “Right now, we are neighbors here,” proclaimed Obama gesturing to his heart, “but soon we will be neighbors in fact!” The crowd, numbering over 10,000, erupted in heartfelt applause for the heir-apparent to the American crown.