Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”

Bush Orders Guns N’ Roses Back to Work

Report by Jan Lewis, CA Chapter

Citing “some regulation or something” that allows the President to send striking workers back to work, George W. Bush, Monday, ordered Slash (pictured right), Izzy, and Duff back into the Guns N’ Roses line up.  “If Axl (upper left) and Slash can’t get along and make kick ass rock ‘n roll records,” wondered Bush, “then how can Democrats and Republicans be expected to work together?”  

At a small ceremony at which Bush signed the order mandating GNR to reunite, Bush emphasized that Americans look up to Rock musicians and commented “In this, America’s hour of need, hacks like Finck, Stinson, and Pitman just don’t have the skills necessary to rally the spirit of this great land!”  Bush went on to pledge that “with order being restored to the House of Rock, so to will order be restored to our Nation’s economy.”  

To help ease the transition, federal agents took scab guitarist Ron “Bumblefoot” Thai (lower left) into custody early this morning with plans to detain him at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely.

Bush: ‘America Got Drunk’

Report by Fran Childers, NV Chapter

A firestorm of criticism has befallen President George W. Bush in the wake of a video that surfaced on YouTube recently. The video is a clip from a recent closed-door campaign fundraiser for Texas Republican Pete Olson, in which the President explains the circumstances surrounding his own election. “There’s no question about it,” Bush said, “America got drunk ... it got drunk and I’m the hangover.” Bush explained that he knew too well the consequences of hard drinking and partying, having had, on several occasions over the past 15 years, the need to wiggle out from underneath a “400 pound heifer” after a “night out with the boys.” The President continued with a knowing smile and a cool southern chuckle, “Let’s see how America will do wiggling out from under me.” In the video clip, Bush, pictured here, went on to describe the consequences of his years of cocaine use.

Kucinich Remains Undaunted

Report by Claire Stevens, PA Chapter

Ohio Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich was the pride of House Liberals again today after stirring up the Bush impeachment pot once again. Kucinich, who has introduced articles of impeachment countless times with the same results as his presidential bids, stood once again before the Judiciary Committee today, and once again, despite cheers from the committee’s Democrats, got nowhere. A Kucinich aide took a few moments to answer questions by phone about the irrepressible man from Ohio.

AoE:   Kucinich appears to be a squirrelly little man with no idea of when to quit, is that true?

Aide: Denny believes that Bush is a crook, he’s just doing what he believes is his job.

AoE: Granted, Bush is a crook, but with so many disappointments under his belt, wouldn’t Kucinich want to crawl under a rock somewhere and die?

Aide: Many of us around the office have long wondered what keeps Denny going; even he knows that whatever he puts his mind to will not end well for him.

AoE: Does he seem to be concerned about his repetitive failures?

Aide: Denny lives by a motto that he has hung on his office wall: “Keep expectations low, and nobody will know that you’ve failed.”

AoE: I’ve got another one for him: “Failure: stick to what you’re good at.”

Aide: Was that a question?

AoE: Did it sound like a question?

Aide: Bitch [Click]

Obama Completes Tour of Future U.S. Territory

Report by John Palatini, WV Chapter

Democratic contender Barack Obama followed up his tour of Jordan, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq, with a stop over in Israel where he pledged to continue the work of George W. Bush on the creation of a U.S. controlled Middle East Territory. Obama spent time with the various leaders during his trip discussing the role they would play after the U.S. reorganization. The planned territory would stretch east from what is now Jordan through the present nation of Afghanistan. Iran, which is scheduled for conquest before the end of 2010, is to be included in the new U.S. territory

Obama, speaking to the Israeli people, announced “a new era of peace for Israel” brought about by the new U.S. territory. “Right now, we are neighbors here,” proclaimed Obama gesturing to his heart, “but soon we will be neighbors in fact!” The crowd, numbering over 10,000, erupted in heartfelt applause for the heir-apparent to the American crown.

S.F. to Dedicate Sewer to Bush

Report by Brenda Hanson, CA Chapter

In an effort to celebrate the Presidency of George W. Bush, San Francisco, California is considering a ballot measure that would rename a local sewage treatment center the George W. Bush Sewage Plant. Area resident, Bill Trainer, created a graph (depicted below) showing key similarities between Bush’s standard system of information dissemination and an actual sewage plant. Trainer called Bush’s presidency a “modern marvel which could only be celebrated adequately through the dedication of the treatment plant.” San Francisco mayor, Gavin Newsom applauded the measure, declaring that there is “no more fitting memorial to the Bush Administration.” San Francisco area residents will decide the issue by ballot in November.

Founding Fathers Return from Grave, Pissed

SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT

Independence Day Special Report by Mirton Howard, DC Chapter

A small but incredibly irritated group of America’s Founding Fathers returned from the grave today on this 232nd anniversary of our nation’s birth. The emissaries from the Great Beyond reportedly started the day by throwing a blanket party for current President George W. Bush. A White House source revealed that Bush awoke from a drunken stupor with the help of four undead figures pinning the President to his bed with his blanket, while four others repeatedly beat Bush with tube socks full of spare change; all-the-while the deceased dignitaries loudly belittled the Commander-in-Chief for his role in trampling the U.S. Constitution underfoot. 

The coterie of living-impaired Founders, which included George Washington, Thomas Paine, and John Hancock held a press conference on the steps of the Nation’s Capital, mid-morning, shortly after giving Bush a thorough ass-whipping. Revolutionary Statesman Patrick Henry, of “Give me liberty or give me death” fame, told the gathered crowd, “When the Constitution was first presented, I thought it gave the central Government too much power, yet never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you idiots would let the Federal boys completely shut out the states. What the hell were you thinking when you passed the 17th Amendment?” Former President James Madison interjected by saying, “I thought we were pretty clear about granting power to the States, and separately to the People in the 10th Amendment. How do you expect States to protect that granted power if they, as a singular entity, don’t have a voice in Washington? ... Morons!” 

Sons of Liberty founder Samuel Adams continued the discourse by questioning if anyone had heard the axiom “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Adams continued by wondering aloud, “Why would anybody vote to ratify an amendment giving the Federal Government more power ... it’s like you want them to be more corrupt ... congratulations you succeeded!” Adams finished by admonishing the citizenry, “I don’t know what you poor stupid bastards are being taught in school these days, but your obvious ignorance is destroying the country me and the boys here worked so hard to establish!”

Following more commentary on various constitutional issues currently facing the country, such as the government’s abuse of citizen’s fundamental rights, and the extraordinary exploitation of the Commerce Clause, Thomas Jefferson reminded the audience what he said long ago about watering the tree of liberty. Benjamin Franklin closed the press conference by telling the onlookers, “We’ll be back in a couple years, get your [excrement] together!”