Washington News In Brief

McCain Promises to Break Fewer Promises

Report by Bill Parker, NC Chapter

Shocked by the revelation that the citizenry is tired of the empty promises issued by politicians during every election cycle, presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain issued a statement to reassure voters. “Voters should rest easy knowing that I, if elected, promise to break fewer promises than Mr. Obama would have if he were elected.” McCain, continued by adding , “... and that is a promise you can bank on.”

Congress to Regulate the Labeling of Hot Dogs

Report by Walter Jones, OH Chapter

Succumbing to pressure from pro-decency groups, Congress, under the guise of the Commerce Clause, is considering a Bill that would prohibit hot dog producers from using the term “wiener” for product identification. Tasha Johnson, a spokesperson for the decency lobby, attacked the label “wiener” as phallic slang and hurtful to any woman who has ever consumed a hot dog. Because of the synonymous nature that “hot dog”, “frank”, and “tube steak” also share with male genitalia, those terms will likely be banned as well, according to a Capital Hill source. Johnson and her group have suggested the named “intestine encased meat and/or meat byproduct product” to be substituted for the offensive labels currently used.

Obama “Deeply Committed” to Almost Everything

Report by Sabrina Kerr, MO Chapter

White House Contender Barack Obama announced today, amidst concerns from some voters that he wasn’t concerned about particular issues, that he was “deeply committed to whatever issue anybody thinks is important.” Conversely, Obama also stated, “I am equally uncommitted to any issue that any citizen deems unimportant.” The Democratic nominee clarified his stance by saying, “Basically, I’m deeply committed to being deeply committed to issues that voters believe I should be deeply committed to.”

Founding Fathers Return from Grave, Pissed

SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT

Independence Day Special Report by Mirton Howard, DC Chapter

A small but incredibly irritated group of America’s Founding Fathers returned from the grave today on this 232nd anniversary of our nation’s birth. The emissaries from the Great Beyond reportedly started the day by throwing a blanket party for current President George W. Bush. A White House source revealed that Bush awoke from a drunken stupor with the help of four undead figures pinning the President to his bed with his blanket, while four others repeatedly beat Bush with tube socks full of spare change; all-the-while the deceased dignitaries loudly belittled the Commander-in-Chief for his role in trampling the U.S. Constitution underfoot. 

The coterie of living-impaired Founders, which included George Washington, Thomas Paine, and John Hancock held a press conference on the steps of the Nation’s Capital, mid-morning, shortly after giving Bush a thorough ass-whipping. Revolutionary Statesman Patrick Henry, of “Give me liberty or give me death” fame, told the gathered crowd, “When the Constitution was first presented, I thought it gave the central Government too much power, yet never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you idiots would let the Federal boys completely shut out the states. What the hell were you thinking when you passed the 17th Amendment?” Former President James Madison interjected by saying, “I thought we were pretty clear about granting power to the States, and separately to the People in the 10th Amendment. How do you expect States to protect that granted power if they, as a singular entity, don’t have a voice in Washington? ... Morons!” 

Sons of Liberty founder Samuel Adams continued the discourse by questioning if anyone had heard the axiom “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Adams continued by wondering aloud, “Why would anybody vote to ratify an amendment giving the Federal Government more power ... it’s like you want them to be more corrupt ... congratulations you succeeded!” Adams finished by admonishing the citizenry, “I don’t know what you poor stupid bastards are being taught in school these days, but your obvious ignorance is destroying the country me and the boys here worked so hard to establish!”

Following more commentary on various constitutional issues currently facing the country, such as the government’s abuse of citizen’s fundamental rights, and the extraordinary exploitation of the Commerce Clause, Thomas Jefferson reminded the audience what he said long ago about watering the tree of liberty. Benjamin Franklin closed the press conference by telling the onlookers, “We’ll be back in a couple years, get your [excrement] together!”