Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Congress to Approve $2 Trillion Increase in National Debt

Report by Harrison Davies, SC Chapter

House and Senate Democrats proposed a plan last week that would allow the government to go into as much as $14 trillion in debt.  The plan would permit our government to spend the money that they already spent this year on such failed schemes as TARP, Cash for Clunkers, and the so-called Economic Recovery Act.  When asked if any thought was given to borrowing and spending money that Federal Law forbade them to spend prior to enacting new increased debt limits, Sen Max Baucus (D-MT) replied, “I’m pretty sure Federal Laws don’t apply to us.”

Concern has been voiced by virtually every credible economist that the current levels of spending and borrowing will have devastating long-term effects on our nation and the economic well-being of our citizens.  “Seriously, the U.S. is set to default on $1 Trillion in debt, and our elected officials are proposing spending billions upon billions more on government-run health care and another economic stimulus package,” grumbled economist Steven Lobenstein, “how stupid can lawmakers be?”  

In response to the Congressional Democrats’ plan, the National Economist Council (NEC) proposed a new sign to designate the location of Congress in Washington DC.  Fashioned after signs used to point travelers to libraries around the country, the NEC is proposing that the signs (pictured right) be distributed around the nation’s capital so that tourists will easily be able to locate “the place were such asinine decisions are being made.”

Study Shows Congress Still Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

In a follow up to a study done last year by Southern Michigan State University, it is reported that although more Americans than ever have lost faith in Congress, our elected official still have no clue that they suck.  Although their approval rating has plunged to about 6%, down from 13% less than a year ago, still, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen realize that they are despised by nearly 75% of the population.  Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT), who couldn’t be convinced last year that the study referred to both Republicans and Democrats, maintained that “Americans love Republicans” despite the electoral beat down the GOP received last November.  Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, recent convert to the Democrats, echoed Barbara Boxer’s (D-CA) sentiment from a year ago.  “I believe, deep down, Americans like a good screwing,” said Spector, “Republicans seem dejected since November, they don’t have the same enthusiasm for violating the American people that they had during the [George W.] Bush Administration.  I was forced to switch parties because of the new vigor with which Democrats have embraced remorselessly defiling the people of this great nation.”

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

Lawmakers to Stop Tickling Children

Report by Hans Dingler, NH Chapter

The House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for Congressmen, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The newest version of the Committee’s Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says House members may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.  

Victim advocates who have criticized Congress for its handling of abuse cases in the past say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.  The Senate has plans to follow suit with similar guidelines, but is expected to await a formal recommendation from child sex expert Senator Larry Craig (R-ID).

New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.

Study Shows Congress Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

A recent study released by Southern Michigan State University revealed the total lack of self-awareness that characterizes U.S. Senators and Representatives. According to the research, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen are aware that nobody likes them. During the course of the study, Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT) responded to questions about Congressional approval rating being as low as 13% by deludedly responding, “I think that refers to Democrats, I’m pretty sure that Americans love Republicans.” Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) replied to the same query, “Who the Hell cares? Those idiots keep electing us.” The SMSU researchers plan a follow up study to determine just exactly why Americans keep electing dumb-asses to lead this country.

Washington News In Brief

McCain Promises to Break Fewer Promises

Report by Bill Parker, NC Chapter

Shocked by the revelation that the citizenry is tired of the empty promises issued by politicians during every election cycle, presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain issued a statement to reassure voters. “Voters should rest easy knowing that I, if elected, promise to break fewer promises than Mr. Obama would have if he were elected.” McCain, continued by adding , “... and that is a promise you can bank on.”

Congress to Regulate the Labeling of Hot Dogs

Report by Walter Jones, OH Chapter

Succumbing to pressure from pro-decency groups, Congress, under the guise of the Commerce Clause, is considering a Bill that would prohibit hot dog producers from using the term “wiener” for product identification. Tasha Johnson, a spokesperson for the decency lobby, attacked the label “wiener” as phallic slang and hurtful to any woman who has ever consumed a hot dog. Because of the synonymous nature that “hot dog”, “frank”, and “tube steak” also share with male genitalia, those terms will likely be banned as well, according to a Capital Hill source. Johnson and her group have suggested the named “intestine encased meat and/or meat byproduct product” to be substituted for the offensive labels currently used.

Obama “Deeply Committed” to Almost Everything

Report by Sabrina Kerr, MO Chapter

White House Contender Barack Obama announced today, amidst concerns from some voters that he wasn’t concerned about particular issues, that he was “deeply committed to whatever issue anybody thinks is important.” Conversely, Obama also stated, “I am equally uncommitted to any issue that any citizen deems unimportant.” The Democratic nominee clarified his stance by saying, “Basically, I’m deeply committed to being deeply committed to issues that voters believe I should be deeply committed to.”

Citzens Now Subject to Waterboarding

Report by Jen Perkins, WA Chapter

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft testified before a Congressional Committee assigned to study the use of “advanced interrogation techniques” Thursday regarding the benefits of waterboarding. With the overwhelming success of waterboarding during the interrogations of enemy combatants, many domestic law enforcement agencies are adopting the strategy on citizen detainees. Waterboarding, a controversial interrogation tool utilized as early as the Spanish Inquisition and more recently by the CIA, has been approved by the U.S. Department of Justice for use by all domestic and foreign law enforcement agencies. Ashcroft defended the technique as a “valuable tool which does not constitute torture.”

Dorothy Allbaugh, a resident of Union Missouri, was subjected to waterboarding two weeks ago after being arrested for shoplifting. Local police officers, on a hunch that Allbaugh had shoplifted on previous occasions, strapped the suspect to a bench, lifted her dress up to cover her face, and poured an estimated five gallons of water over her mouth and nose. Allbaugh responded to the tactic by confessing to 35 previous criminal acts, and countless other acts that, while not technically illegal, were certainly morally detestable. Allbaugh was charged with each of the confessed crimes, and is now facing 150 years in prison and fines of over $47 million. Union Police Chief Martin Polock hailed the results as “proof positive” that waterboarding works. Coincidentally, Allbaugh is now claiming that she made up the confessed crimes believing that she was drowning to death, and was willing to say whatever she thought the officers wanted to hear to get them to stop the “torture”.

New Bill Forgives Past Illegal Wiretapping

Report by Martha Coleman, CT Chapter

A consortium of telecommunication giants breathed a deep sigh of relief Friday as the House passed a bill that effectively forgave them of abusing the Constitutional Rights of U.S. citizens. “It seems as though all the ‘campaign contributions’ paid off,” exclaimed a spokesperson for the group, adding a sly wink. The bill, which was dubbed “an overhaul of the wiretapping laws” not only purports to legalized the use of warrantless wiretaps, a Constitutional violation according to the U.S. Supreme Court, but retroactively forgives past violations of Constitutional rights by the Bush Administration and participating telecommunication companies.

The bill, which was provided to Congress less than 24 hours before the vote, was hurried through the House in total disregard of the standard seven day waiting period that provides an opportunity for Congresspersons to read the legislation. George W. Bush addressed Congress Friday prior to the vote, saying the plan “will help our intelligence professionals learn our enemies' plans for new attacks, and help us keep tabs on ‘subversives,’” adding air quotes and a mischievous grin to his last word as if it was an inside joke. Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) addressed the speed at which the bill moved through the House by asking rhetorically, “Who the hell reads bills anyway?” “We have ‘special consultants’ to do the reading for us,” added Hoekstra, referring to corporate lobbyists.

DNC Announces New Fundraiser

Report by Harold Wand, NE Chapter

The Democratic National Committee, in the face of economic hardships that have been hampering donation revenues, today unveiled a new strategy to raise money. For the first time, the DNC will be selling coupon books filled with various discounts on such things as Congresspersons’ votes and entrance to closed sessions of Congress. The DNC Congressional Coupon Book, which will be sold for $25,000, is aimed at ultra-rich liberals, corporations, and PACs.

 “Coupon books like this have been used for years by small organizations with great success,” stated Howard Dean, DNC President, continuing excitedly, “We’re simply taking this familiar concept to a whole new level!”

Detractors of the fundraising scheme have questioned the ethics of promoting the sale of votes and access to closed sessions of congressional committee meetings. “The DNC is basically saying that if you have enough money, their lawmakers are for sale. What happened to Democrats looking out for the little guy?” questioned Ohio Teamster Alan Petrovski. Dean addressed such sentiments by calling politics a “catch 22 situation” and saying, “we can’t help the lower and middle classes without money from the rich, and we can’t get money from the rich without selling out the lower and middle classes.”