New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.

Lenin back from dead to thank DC lawmakers (12/10/90)

Report in AoE Newsletter by Founding Member Frank Stahlie (Dec. 1990)

After nearly sixty-seven years of torture in the lake of fire, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the chief architect of Soviet Communism, arose from the dead to meet with US Lawmakers yesterday. “My Comrades, though you probably don’t realize it, you capitalists have given this tortured spirit the greatest gift a dead tyrant could ever hope to receive!”

Though many of the lawmakers were taken aback to see the risen corpse of Lenin, many agreed that he was in remarkable shape given the rigors of burning in hell for two-thirds of a century. Sen. Hatch (UT) noted, “He looks great for being being dead so long; it must be a humid heat in Outer Darkness because his skin seems healthy and rejuvenated.”

Lenin met with key legislators from both sides of the aisle, and executive branch officials, behind closed doors for over four hours yesterday afternoon before joining President Bush at the White House for dinner. While the full extent of Lenin’s comments to government officials is not clear, an undisclosed source revealed that Lenin praised the growth in the US federal government and the back room dealmaking that has lead to one of the most totalitarian governments the world has ever seen. Lenin was quoted as saying “the extent to which the Neo-Cons and the so-called liberals have worked together do decimate the freedoms of the American people is a testament to what good government can accomplish.” Apparently, the actions of the US government have not gone unnoticed in Hell, which has greatly reduced the scrutiny formerly given to such tyranical luminaries as Hitler, Mao, and Lenin himself, by the Dark Prince. “Given the fine, albeit evil, work that you are accomplishing up here, former government officials down there are steadily being seen in a better light.” Apparently, that reduced scrutiny has lead to shorter periods of excruciating torment each day, and fewer of “those brain worm things” as Lenin described them.

Founding Fathers Return from Grave, Pissed

SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT ... SPECIAL REPORT

Independence Day Special Report by Mirton Howard, DC Chapter

A small but incredibly irritated group of America’s Founding Fathers returned from the grave today on this 232nd anniversary of our nation’s birth. The emissaries from the Great Beyond reportedly started the day by throwing a blanket party for current President George W. Bush. A White House source revealed that Bush awoke from a drunken stupor with the help of four undead figures pinning the President to his bed with his blanket, while four others repeatedly beat Bush with tube socks full of spare change; all-the-while the deceased dignitaries loudly belittled the Commander-in-Chief for his role in trampling the U.S. Constitution underfoot. 

The coterie of living-impaired Founders, which included George Washington, Thomas Paine, and John Hancock held a press conference on the steps of the Nation’s Capital, mid-morning, shortly after giving Bush a thorough ass-whipping. Revolutionary Statesman Patrick Henry, of “Give me liberty or give me death” fame, told the gathered crowd, “When the Constitution was first presented, I thought it gave the central Government too much power, yet never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you idiots would let the Federal boys completely shut out the states. What the hell were you thinking when you passed the 17th Amendment?” Former President James Madison interjected by saying, “I thought we were pretty clear about granting power to the States, and separately to the People in the 10th Amendment. How do you expect States to protect that granted power if they, as a singular entity, don’t have a voice in Washington? ... Morons!” 

Sons of Liberty founder Samuel Adams continued the discourse by questioning if anyone had heard the axiom “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Adams continued by wondering aloud, “Why would anybody vote to ratify an amendment giving the Federal Government more power ... it’s like you want them to be more corrupt ... congratulations you succeeded!” Adams finished by admonishing the citizenry, “I don’t know what you poor stupid bastards are being taught in school these days, but your obvious ignorance is destroying the country me and the boys here worked so hard to establish!”

Following more commentary on various constitutional issues currently facing the country, such as the government’s abuse of citizen’s fundamental rights, and the extraordinary exploitation of the Commerce Clause, Thomas Jefferson reminded the audience what he said long ago about watering the tree of liberty. Benjamin Franklin closed the press conference by telling the onlookers, “We’ll be back in a couple years, get your [excrement] together!”