Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Florida: Tired of Being Called America’s Penis

Report by Floyd Davies, FL Chapter

Led by Florida Governor Charlie Crist, a bi-partisan coalition of Floridians has drawn a preverbal line in the sand.  That line stands for the end of phallic references to the shape of the Sunshine State.  Florida, which actually does roughly reflect the appearance of a flaccid wang, has long endured the ridicule that understandably accompanies its geography.  Crist, who ironically resembles a turgid male genitalia when standing, issued the following statement, “Florida will, from this day forward, no longer tolerate degrading references by other states concerning the unfortunate profile of our great state.  Henceforth, we should like to be thought of for all the wonders that we have to offer, like Disneyworld, the Everglades, and scores of retirees.

Despite the current rhetoric, Florida has a long history of embracing its appearance.  In 1850 a plan, which was never acted upon, was put forth by the State Senate which would have created dikes, similar to Holland’s, to increase the size of the panhandle, thus effectively creating a geographic scrotum to accompany the main body of the state.  In 1887, the Florida House of Representatives approved a bill that would have changed the state nickname from “The Sunshine State” to “The Manhood State”.  In fact, even Juan Ponce de Leon, the Spanish conquistador who gave Florida its name, privately referred to the land as “El Pene” or “The Penis” as translated into English.