Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Obama Admits Addiction to Facebook Application

Report by Francis Berrant, OH Chapter

The Democratic Presidential primary heated up last week when the Clinton camp disclosed information to the press that suggests Barack Obama is addicted to Mob Wars, a game application available to Facebook users. Although Clinton initially denied that her campaign was the source of the story, she retracted that denial after the reporter who got the scoop released a statement saying, “that lying [female dog] called me herself.”

Following disclosure of the Mob Wars scandal, many technophobes around the country momentarily called for Obama to drop out of the race, before realizing that such a move would mean Clinton would make it to the general election, and quickly retracted their demands. Obama addressed his shameful vice by saying, “I initially started using Facebook purely for the networking opportunities. But before long, I was innocently toying with the idea of adding the fun Shrute Bucks application, then it was a Super Wall, and before long my Facebook profile was so full of applications I’d have to schedule an hour just to scroll through them all. Obama continued by saying, “A friend, well actually an acquaintance of a friend of an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a friend, sent me an invite to Mob Wars. I knew I had too many applications already, but I couldn’t resist checking it out. It had 4.5 stars, that’s out of 5, that means people like it.

Obama, pictured above as he was deciding whether to buy more weapons or invest his money in another casino, blames the loss in West Virginia on his addiction to Mob Wars, calling it his darkest hour. Sen. Obama has vowed to remove the application from his Facebook profile if elected President. Known as “Kid Killa B” on Mob Wars, Obama commented, “I’d remove it now but I just bought a crap load of grenade launchers and want to smoke some suckas who have been frontin’.”