States Accuse Washington of Provoking a ‘War of Federal Aggression’

Special Report by Dixie Larkin, AOE Founding Member

Not since the debate over slavery has an issue so bitterly divided this nation.  This time around, the Federal Government seems to be set on making slaves of citizens rather than setting slaves free, according to State lawmakers across the heartland.  A Coalition of Conservative States made primarily up of 31 traditionally red states (see map and Alaska) have voiced their intention of severing ties with DC if the pending Health Care legislation is passed.  In addition to the states shown, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Maine and Rhode Island are on the fence, but sources say all but Rhode Island are leaning toward joining the Coalition.

“We believe the Federal Government has usurped the Constitution,” says Texas Governor Rick Perry, “When we agreed to enter the Union, we agreed with an understanding of the power of the Federal Government as laid out in the Constitution.  In no uncertain terms, the Federal Government has violated that agreement ... they broke the contract, so to speak, and has thus relinquished us of our duty to abide by that agreement, which is to remain a State in the Union.”  Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who studied law at Regent University, a premier conservative Christian Law School, added, “make no mistake, the decisions being made in Washington [DC] are tearing apart the very fabric of our nation.  Foisting such Unconstitutional legislation as ObamaCare upon an unwilling citizenry is tearing away the very threads upon which this nation was sown together.”  Governor Tim Pawlenty (MN), who is trying to steer his state toward joining the Coalition underlined the fierce reverence that Coalition leaders have for the United States of America, but said, “When the Federal Government abandons the Constitution, patriots have no choice but to abandon the Federal Government.

In response to backlash from States, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) flippantly alluded to the Civil War era Mason-Dixon line by asking that the line separating the “redneck states from the progressive blue states” would be named the Pelosi-Reid line.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) weighed in by calling the 31 Coalition State a “fringe group” who would “quickly be crushed if they continue this nonsense.”  Governor Bobby Jindal responded to Reid and Pelosi by pointing out that their “cheeky disregard for America’s Heartland is forcing this 'War of Federal Aggression' upon us.”

Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

FDA Approves Crystal Meth as Appetite Suppressant

Report by David L. Benson, AR Chapter

In a move lead by the tireless efforts of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Crystal Methamphetamine as a weapon in the battle against the American bulge.  Pelosi, pictured here with Interim FDA Commissioner Dr. Joshua M. Sharfstein, revealed her own use of the drug as a diet aid and proudly displayed the results to a group of spectators after the FDA hearing that approved Meth use.  FDA regulated products account for about 25 cents of every consumer dollar spent, however Sharfstein expects that with so many young adults eager to utilize the miracle diet attributes of Crystal Meth, this number will soon jump to 30 cents.

“America is at war,” declared Sharfstein at the hearing, “at war against fat.  Do we not use missiles in Afghanistan even though a few innocent children might die?  Why should we not then use every weapon at our disposal against a greater threat here on our own soil!”  Pelosi, who was reportedly instrumental in swaying the FDA committee towards approval, will be promoting the use of Meth on behalf of Pfizer for an undisclosed amount to be donated to Pelosi’s campaign fund.  Pfizer’s Crystal Meth product, which is to be called Crystazon, will be packaged in liquid form and can be injected orally in the gums or between toes.

Pelosi Offers to “Take One For The Team”

Report by Nancy Baker, NV Chapter

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who endured accusations about methamphetamine use earlier this year, reportedly told Democratic nominee Barack Obama that she would “take one for the team” and seduce John McCain to ruin his reputation.  McCain, who is rumored to have a soft spot for tweekers, is thought to be an easy mark for the ghastly thin Pelosi.  Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who has been teasing McCain for the past several years with such advances as tickling his privates during pivotal votes, believes she can get the former prisoner of war to engage in a little “John Edwards style love” thus endangering his bid for the White House.  It is rumored that Obama responded to the plan by saying, “I see nothing, I know nothing.”

Mr. Buffet Goes to Washington

Report by Terry Kroup, VA Chapter

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution.  “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.”  One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well.  What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.  The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.  But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.”  With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!”  And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort.  They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort.  They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars!  “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it.  I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet.  And I’ve heard of your troubles.  I’ve heard you’re unhappy.  But I can fix that.  I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie.  We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird).  We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all!  You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does.  There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink.  In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs.  Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against.  And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.