States Accuse Washington of Provoking a ‘War of Federal Aggression’

Special Report by Dixie Larkin, AOE Founding Member

Not since the debate over slavery has an issue so bitterly divided this nation.  This time around, the Federal Government seems to be set on making slaves of citizens rather than setting slaves free, according to State lawmakers across the heartland.  A Coalition of Conservative States made primarily up of 31 traditionally red states (see map and Alaska) have voiced their intention of severing ties with DC if the pending Health Care legislation is passed.  In addition to the states shown, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Maine and Rhode Island are on the fence, but sources say all but Rhode Island are leaning toward joining the Coalition.

“We believe the Federal Government has usurped the Constitution,” says Texas Governor Rick Perry, “When we agreed to enter the Union, we agreed with an understanding of the power of the Federal Government as laid out in the Constitution.  In no uncertain terms, the Federal Government has violated that agreement ... they broke the contract, so to speak, and has thus relinquished us of our duty to abide by that agreement, which is to remain a State in the Union.”  Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who studied law at Regent University, a premier conservative Christian Law School, added, “make no mistake, the decisions being made in Washington [DC] are tearing apart the very fabric of our nation.  Foisting such Unconstitutional legislation as ObamaCare upon an unwilling citizenry is tearing away the very threads upon which this nation was sown together.”  Governor Tim Pawlenty (MN), who is trying to steer his state toward joining the Coalition underlined the fierce reverence that Coalition leaders have for the United States of America, but said, “When the Federal Government abandons the Constitution, patriots have no choice but to abandon the Federal Government.

In response to backlash from States, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) flippantly alluded to the Civil War era Mason-Dixon line by asking that the line separating the “redneck states from the progressive blue states” would be named the Pelosi-Reid line.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) weighed in by calling the 31 Coalition State a “fringe group” who would “quickly be crushed if they continue this nonsense.”  Governor Bobby Jindal responded to Reid and Pelosi by pointing out that their “cheeky disregard for America’s Heartland is forcing this 'War of Federal Aggression' upon us.”

Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

ObamaCare To Promote Self-Medication, Suicide

Report by Janet Pennington-Davis, NY Chapter

President Barack Obama, who recently credited himself for “pulling our economy back from the brink” went on national television last week to plug a nationalized healthcare bill which many are calling ObamaCare.  Though neither the President nor any member of Congress have yet read the massive bill, Obama and key Democrats in both Houses are pushing passage of the bill before the American public has an opportunity to find out what is actually included in the healthcare plan.

Despite falling approval ratings prompted by rising unemployment and exploding national deficits, the President has taken up the task of producing a deal on the healthcare legislation that, if passed, will make substantial changes in the way Americans experience health care.  For instance, the bill mandates that doctors encourage patients suffering with depression to “self-medicate” with alcohol in order to keep medication costs down.  In a speech to the Senate on Monday, Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the self-medication provision as a “win-win for the American taxpayer.  Not only will taxpayers not have to pay for depressed people’s drugs, we will see higher tax revenue from increased sales of alcohol!”

An even more surprising aspect of the President’s healthcare plan is the promotion of assisted suicide for chronically ill patients.  In his address to the nation, Obama responded to a question about this controversial issue by saying, “With my plan, there will be a reduction in the number of sick people.  Assisted suicide is just one tool that will help us reach that goal, and fewer sick people is good thing.”

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Mr. Buffet Goes to Washington

Report by Terry Kroup, VA Chapter

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution.  “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.”  One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well.  What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.  The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.  But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.”  With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!”  And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort.  They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort.  They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars!  “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it.  I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet.  And I’ve heard of your troubles.  I’ve heard you’re unhappy.  But I can fix that.  I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie.  We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird).  We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all!  You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does.  There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink.  In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs.  Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against.  And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.