Obama’s Disturbing Fascination With Hitler

Report by Hector Sanchez, NM Chapter

Far from villainizing the architect of the Third Reich, Adolf Hilter, President Barack Obama appears to have a morbid fascination with the man responsible for the deaths of millions of innocents during his reign in Germany.  Barack Obama has gone so far to flaunt his admiration for Hitler, that he has replaced the traditional portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with one of Adolf Hitler (pictured here during a meeting with Vice President Biden and key advisors.

More frightning than Obama’s veneration for one of the 20th Century’s most dastardly tyrants, is the new President’s desire to emulate the man that most of the World regards as one of the cruelest monsters in history.  Obama reportedly cited the success of Hitler’s state-run car company, Volkswagon, as a major reason for Obama’s hostile takeover of General Motors.  Additionally, sources close to President Obama have leaked rumors that the President refers to Evangelical Christians as “my Jews”, and furthermore, is emptying Gitmo prisons of Islamic militants “to make room America’s biggest threat” namely those Christians who “cling to their God and their guns”.  It is reported that Obama believes the U.S. will be a stronger more powerful nation “if the Christian virus is removed from our national bloodstream”.

Obama Transition Team Halts Work Upon Discovering New Facebook Application

Report by Jan Sommerset, RI Chapter

According to sources close to the Obama-Biden Transition Team, preparations for the new Administration came to a screeching halt earlier this week after a couple members of the team received invites for MyFarm on Facebook.  The application, which is a virtual farming simulator, was quickly shared with other members of the team.  By Wednesday, the team’s focus had shifted from matters of State to sending trees, horses, cows, and chickens to each other, as well as planting and harvesting various crops.

In a press conference Friday, Obama announced that his virtual farm was doing very well.  “I am pleased to announce that I have raised enough MyFarm cash to buy a barn,” reported the President-Elect, “and plan to harvest a heathy crop of apples early tomorrow.”  Obama, who noted that he favors planting strawberries and rice rather than potatoes, disclosed plans to buy a chicken coop early next week.

Reacting to some criticism from Conservative groups, who expressed concern that the Facebook distraction may set the Nation’s economic recovery back months, Obama offered, “If you send me a friend request, I’ll send you a couple goats.”

Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”

Mr. Buffet Goes to Washington

Report by Terry Kroup, VA Chapter

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution.  “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.”  One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well.  What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.  The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.  But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.”  With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!”  And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort.  They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort.  They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars!  “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it.  I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet.  And I’ve heard of your troubles.  I’ve heard you’re unhappy.  But I can fix that.  I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie.  We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird).  We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all!  You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does.  There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink.  In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs.  Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against.  And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.