Study Indicates Body Modification Trend Related to Parental Affection

AoE Citizen Spotlight on Dr. Jan Gould, University of Phoenix.  

Report by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

A new study by the University of Phoenix claims to have discovered an inverse relationship between a father’s love and his daughter’s propensity to engage in body modification.  The study, which compared 5000 young women who had modified their appearance with multiple piercings, tattoos, cuttings, and/or breast reductions, with a like number who had no more than a simple pair of earrings, found that as paternal affection levels dropped, the likelihood of body modification increased.  Jan Gould, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Phoenix called the findings “a breakthrough for modern pop psychology,” and said, “this should put an end to crappy fathers bitchin’ about their daughters coming home looking like ... like ... well, whatever they come home looking like.”

The most significant sub-factor of paternal affection, indicates the study, is the way the daughter perceives her father perceives her.  Gould unboxed that complicated phrase by saying, “If the daughter believes her dad thinks she’s pretty, she will think she’s pretty and not feel the need to modify her looks.  However, a daughter who feels ugly, because dad doesn’t tell her she’s beautiful, will try to compensate by running long needles through various parts of their flesh, or getting covered in tattoos, or cutting themselves, what-have-you.”  According to an earlier study, the effects of body modification rarely help the situation for unfortunate looking women, as the altercations only draw more attention to the problem area, namely the outward appearance.  “What was bad to begin with, becomes worse, much worse.”

For Gould, the smoking gun was a particular “tramp stamp” donned by Melissa G.; the lower back tattoo reads “Daddy’s Girl?.”  Gould stated, “I think that tattoo says it all, note the question mark, this is a girl who doesn’t know if she’s daddy’s girl, so she gets a couple tattoos, pierces her lip and nose, and puts a big ugly suggestive plug in her ear.  Oh and yeah, that butterfly tattoo on her neck ... now she’s ugly and jobless, way to go Melissa!”  Starting in October, the University of Phoenix intends to study the link between male body modification and a scorned Oedipus Complex.

McCain Regrets Drunken Promise

Report by Ed Steele, MN Chapter

The Republican ticket, it seems, is the result of a promise made by a drunken, horny Senator John McCain.  An unidentified source close to the Arizona Senator told the AoE  that three months ago, in a moment of alcohol-induced weakness, the Senator offered Alaska Governor Sarah Palin a place on the Republican ticket if she consented to an extramarital tryst.  Apparently driven by political ambition and an insatiable lust for sex, Palin eagerly agreed to let the inebriated McCain descend into the depths of her inner-being.

Although McCain attempted to renege on the perverse compact, Palin would not be dissuaded, and threatened to go public with the affair if she was not given the VP slot as promised.  Given Sarah Palin’s ties to Big Oil in Alaska, it seems that McCain has truly crawled in bed with Big Oil.  Many DC pundits are concerned that the one time “maverick” has been reduced to nothing more than a corporate boy toy.

Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”

Product Safety Commission Forces Toy Recall

Report by Alan Jennings, CT Chapter

In response to consumer complaints concerning the wildly popular Playtime Toys’ DeathCon 5 “Kill, Rape, and Destroy” Exxxtreme Adventure Team, the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission (USCPSC) compelled Playtime Toys to remove the Dex McStabby: International Man of Murder Action Figure from toy store shelves.  According to complaints, the “razor sharp” sword wielded by McStabby is actually razor sharp, and has caused serious injuries to children.  The USCPSC will soon be deciding whether other members of the Exxxtreme Adventure Team pose a safety risk to children as well.  Bones Gruesome: SlashMaster Extraordinaire, a teammate of Dex has actual miniature razor blades attached to the soles of his boots, and the Luther Van Slay: Deep Cavity Penetrator action figure comes with long metal spear that, according to the box, “may cause serious injury or death.”  Through the Freedom of Information Act, the AoE was able to obtain several redacted copies of complaints to the USCPSC, one of which has been included below.

Pickens Backs Personal Methane Reclamation

Report by Hal Stevenson, OK Chapter

T. Boone Pickens, an American businessman who has made billions from oil and gas, recently made headlines by aggressively advocating for wind generated power.  Pickens is back in the news with his latest alternative energy plan, which harnesses a different kind of wind.  The Oklahoma billionaire has developed a contraption to harness the methane gas producing capacity of the human body. Says Pickens, “America became the World Power on the strength of self-dependence, and there is nothing more American than depending on our own bodies for energy production.”

The unit, which weighs 50 pounds, connects a pair of airtight rubber underwear to a methane collector that is worn on an individual’s back.  Pickens calls “this unobtrusive miracle of modern science ... the fruition of our ‘green’ aspirations.”  By maintaining a high legume diet, and wearing the backpack unit nonstop, an individual can collect enough methane to heat an average home for one week each year.  Pickens looks “forward to the day when we can point our collective American ass at the Arabs and say, ‘no thank you, we’ve got our fuel right here!’”

Pelosi Offers to “Take One For The Team”

Report by Nancy Baker, NV Chapter

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who endured accusations about methamphetamine use earlier this year, reportedly told Democratic nominee Barack Obama that she would “take one for the team” and seduce John McCain to ruin his reputation.  McCain, who is rumored to have a soft spot for tweekers, is thought to be an easy mark for the ghastly thin Pelosi.  Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who has been teasing McCain for the past several years with such advances as tickling his privates during pivotal votes, believes she can get the former prisoner of war to engage in a little “John Edwards style love” thus endangering his bid for the White House.  It is rumored that Obama responded to the plan by saying, “I see nothing, I know nothing.”

Rice Calls Franco “Tawdry Whore”

Report by Eloise Finn, AR Chapter

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, commenting on the ongoing Olympic Games, said she was “proud of the job that U.S. athletes were doing,” but was concerned that Paraguayan woman javelin thrower Leryn Franco was “distracting attention from the real purpose of the games.” Rice, who was apparently, and deludedly, seeking to capture the eye of the International community with her own stunning good looks, lashed out at Franco for stealing the limelight, “If that no-talent tawdry whore thinks prancing around in a skimpy outfit, advertising her body, and throwing a stick makes her attractive ... err, an athlete, well she’s sadly mistaken. Franco, responding to the attack from China, referring to Rice said, “tu eres la venida que tu madre se olvido de tragar.”

Bush Orders Guns N’ Roses Back to Work

Report by Jan Lewis, CA Chapter

Citing “some regulation or something” that allows the President to send striking workers back to work, George W. Bush, Monday, ordered Slash (pictured right), Izzy, and Duff back into the Guns N’ Roses line up.  “If Axl (upper left) and Slash can’t get along and make kick ass rock ‘n roll records,” wondered Bush, “then how can Democrats and Republicans be expected to work together?”  

At a small ceremony at which Bush signed the order mandating GNR to reunite, Bush emphasized that Americans look up to Rock musicians and commented “In this, America’s hour of need, hacks like Finck, Stinson, and Pitman just don’t have the skills necessary to rally the spirit of this great land!”  Bush went on to pledge that “with order being restored to the House of Rock, so to will order be restored to our Nation’s economy.”  

To help ease the transition, federal agents took scab guitarist Ron “Bumblefoot” Thai (lower left) into custody early this morning with plans to detain him at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely.

U.S. Sends Osmonds to Hell

Report by Dennis Hascert, SC Chapter

Sibling singers Donny and Marie Osmond, played three standing room only shows in Hades recently as part of a Good Will tour sent by the U.S. Government to Hell.  Donny and Marie were named co-Ambassadors to the Nether World last month by President George W. Bush and spent some time with the ruler of the Dark Realm, as well as many deceased fans of the 70’s singing sensations.  Speaking by phone from his family home near Ogden, Utah, Donny Osmond remarked, “It is such an honor to be chosen by the President to serve in Outer Darkness,” adding with a somber note, “It breaks my heart because there are so many lost souls there yet to be baptized for ... I know how Angelina [Jolie] must feel when she visits those poor countries where she buys all her kids.”  There has been some talk of Satan, who played drums under the pseudonym “Ginger Baker” in the late 60’s and 70’s with such notable bands as Cream and Blind Faith, joining the Osmonds to form a power trio the likes of which the world of Rock ‘n Roll has never seen, but Donny insists that such talk is still premature at this stage.

Produce That Bucks the Trend

Sponsored Editorial by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

In a day and age where health foods dominate the market, one company continues to give the people what they want. Snedley Family Farms has been a midwest produce icon for over 100 years; however, their produce is unlike any other you are likely to find. The Snedley’s combine the goodness of real fruit with the great taste of bacon fat.

The Snedley’s began as a small family farm in 1903, raising pigs and growing produce. In 1910, Elmer Snedley, who had grown fond of cleaning up the bacon grease from his breakfast plate with apple slices, had an epiphany - what if the apples had bacon fat inside them, then he could snack on that amazing taste throughout the day, not just at breakfast.

Elmer spent the next ten years perfecting a method to distribute bacon fat throughout the interior of the apple without damaging the integrity of the fruit. Over the next five years, Elmer experimented with strawberries, zucchini, tomatoes, and carrots. At first, it was for his family’s consumption, but after friends and neighbors raved about the amazing taste of his bacon fatted fruits and vegetables, he decided there might be a market for his unique produce.

On June 5, 1926, Elmer Snedley loaded a bushel basket full of bacon fatted apples and took them to the farmers market. He only sold two apples, but wasn’t deterred; the following week he sold four, and on week three, only ten. Elmer kept returning, each week with a full bushel basket of his delicious apples. It wasn’t until the end July that Snedley finally returned home with an empty basket, but by the summer’s end, Elmer couldn’t produce enough fatted fruit to keep up with demand.

Since that time, the Snedley’s fatted produce business has grown in leaps and bounds. Elmer’s son Patrick Snedley took over the family business in 1949, and it has remained a family owned enterprise to this day, supplying grease loving Americans with the natural goodness of fruit and real animal fat. In 1999, the Snedley’s teamed up with Professor Eric DeGroff, a renown geneticist, to develop and patent a process to marble the meat of the fruit with real bacon fat. “When you slice into a Snedley’s product, it’s like slicing into a fresh grown pork chop,” proclaimed famed chef Reginald Fontaign, continuing, “the fruit is out of this world, and the vegetables literally fry themselves, just add heat.”

With “fat free” foods overtaking the precious real estate that is grocery store shelves, it is refreshing to find a product that embraces the animal fat that made this country great. “Grandma and Grandpa didn’t eat tofu, they ate bacon, real bacon, dripping with the fat of this land, and we’ve forsaken that heritage for the sake of a few calories,” commented Adrian Sanders of the American Gastronomical Heritage Foundation. Great taste and great tradition come standard with every piece of Snedley’s Bacon Fatted Produce. Why not bring home a bushel of Snedley’s today - available in you grocer’s meat department.

FDA Approves Intestinal Slip ‘n Slide

Report by John Turner, OH Chapter

On the advice of Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General, the FDA approved a controversial new formula developed by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals that boasts an end to constipation.  The new Pfizer drug, called Poop Shooter Plus, mixes Viagra with Phenolphthalein (a common yet possibly carcinogenic laxative) and claims to straighten the colon so that gravity will help aid intestinal evacuation.  Rear Admiral Galson said of Poop Shooter Plus, “It turns the colon into a veritable Slip ‘n Slide for turds.”

Pfizer plans promote the new drug by introducing the concept of “poop confusion” whereby defecants get lost en route to the rectum in a traditionally shaped colon.  By utilizing Viagra, Pfizer’s new drug is able to straighten the colon so that the laxative can easily move the turds south and out.

Rear Admiral Galson, acting Surgeon General of the United States, has been lobbying the FDA for passage of the drug from his sprawling 500 acre estate near the Hamptons for the past 90 days.  Incidently, Rear Admiral Galson purchased the estate from Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler for $1000 just three months ago.

Mr. Buffet Goes to Washington

Report by Terry Kroup, VA Chapter

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution.  “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.”  One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well.  What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.  The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.  But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.”  With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!”  And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort.  They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort.  They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars!  “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it.  I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet.  And I’ve heard of your troubles.  I’ve heard you’re unhappy.  But I can fix that.  I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie.  We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird).  We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all!  You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does.  There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink.  In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs.  Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against.  And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.