Sunday, August 16, 2009

Weak Economy Forces US Porn Industry to Outsource

Report by Gino Rossi, CA Chapter

While many Americans are feeling the crunch of the recession, adult film stars are being double teamed by the economy and foreign competition.  In a time when entertainment dollars are scarce, US consumers are spending less on quality American pornography.  This trend has forced smut producers to outsource, using foreign actors for jobs, hand and otherwise, formerly performed by domestic entertainers.  Oftentimes, entire scenes and particular types of shots are filmed outside the US where actors make only two dollars an hour.  Vinny Vinci of Elite Production explained, “We can film an orgy for less than a hundred bucks in Thailand or Bolivia, whereas the same scene may cost $25,000 here.  With connoisseurs purchasing less porn lately, we have had to make hard choices to stay afloat.”

In response to the shafting american porn actors are receiving from their foreign counterparts, many adult entertainers are taking to the street to protest the outsourcing.  Recently a group picketed outside a Los Angeles porn outlet to encourage patrons to choose only homegrown smut.  Harry Longshank, an 18 year-old porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa has been evicted from his $400 per month studio apartment and forced to live out of his van because of the outsourcing.  “I used to make over $3000 performing in 50-60 adult films each month,” reported Longshank, “now I’m back to [gratifying] members of boy bands in back alleys for 20 bucks and a ticket to the show.”  Though most adult entertainers are put out, a few out-of-work actors are able to see the silver lining.  Tiffany Sparkle, who is pictured here holding a sign indication that foreign porn is Unamerican, offered, “at least with Obama’s new health care plan, I’ll be able to get my AIDS meds for free.”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”