Saturday, December 6, 2008

Obama Transition Team Halts Work Upon Discovering New Facebook Application

Report by Jan Sommerset, RI Chapter

According to sources close to the Obama-Biden Transition Team, preparations for the new Administration came to a screeching halt earlier this week after a couple members of the team received invites for MyFarm on Facebook.  The application, which is a virtual farming simulator, was quickly shared with other members of the team.  By Wednesday, the team’s focus had shifted from matters of State to sending trees, horses, cows, and chickens to each other, as well as planting and harvesting various crops.

In a press conference Friday, Obama announced that his virtual farm was doing very well.  “I am pleased to announce that I have raised enough MyFarm cash to buy a barn,” reported the President-Elect, “and plan to harvest a heathy crop of apples early tomorrow.”  Obama, who noted that he favors planting strawberries and rice rather than potatoes, disclosed plans to buy a chicken coop early next week.

Reacting to some criticism from Conservative groups, who expressed concern that the Facebook distraction may set the Nation’s economic recovery back months, Obama offered, “If you send me a friend request, I’ll send you a couple goats.”

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Citizens Outraged at Growing Government

Report by Paul Reynolds, CT Chapter

From Maine to Oregon and all across our increasingly regulated country, the citizenry is reacting with fury to a government which has broken all Constitutional bounds and grown into a tyrannical behemoth.  What was supposed to be limited to virtually only foreign affairs, including national defense, and interstate commerce, the Federal Government has shaken off its Constitutional chains in order to police the daily lives of all Americans.  Roger Denehey. of the government watchdog group Constitution Restoration League contends, “The Federal Government abuses taxation to regulate speed limits and drinking ages, abuses the Interstate Commerce clause to regulate self-subsistence farmers, and creates hysteria to pass such abhorrent unconstitutional laws as the USA PATRIOT Act.”  

Reactions to the growing abuses of the Federal Government are growing in boldness.  Demonstrations in New York City, Los Angeles, and all major cities in between are increasing in frequency despite the arrests and illegal detention of protestors.  Additionally, anti-government graffiti is being found in inner cities and rural outposts alike.  In the boldest move to date, an unknown group defaced Mt. Rushmore over the weekend, painting “the gov’t sux” in huge letters below the face of George Washington.  Denehey, in commenting on the Rushmore graffiti suggested, “given the state of our government today, George, Tom, Abe, and Teddy would probably agree with the sentiment.”

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

AoE Reported the Election Results in March

Reminder by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Communications Officer

The election results come as no surprise for AoE members. As early as March of this year, the AoE reported that a group of elite "Progressive Neo-Cons" that secretly runs the American political mechanism had determined that Obama would be the next President of the United States.  That report stated, "Obama will be President, The Group will see to that,” stated a noted DC source, “and there is nothing you, or I, nor any well meaning independent investigator can do about it.” It seems that The Group enjoys the fallacy of the people electing an agent of change, when the result is invariably more bad, or worse, news for the citizens of this formerly great nation. “Obama will, of course, usher in more decimation of our Constitutional liberties if elected President,” speculated a DC lawmaker, “because, if he is elected, he is undoubtedly an agent of the organization that secretly runs this nation.”   

Friday, October 24, 2008

Obama Confuses Former Hotties

Report by Don Hanson, DE Chapter

After a stump speech Friday in Dover, DE, while making idle small talk with a group of “commoners” fawning over the would-be next President of the United States, Barack Obama responded to questions about former Hollywood vixen Heather Locklear (pictured right).  John Marshall, a former Dover area high school football star and current part-time janitor at his former high school, lamenting that “all the political bull[puckey] going on was too depressing to talk about,” said that it was he who initially steered Obama to the topic of Locklear.  “I always thought [Locklear] was hot, and since I have virtually nothing in common with Mr. Obama, I figured we could talk about hot chicks.”

What subsequently seeped from the Democratic Senator’s mouth shocked not only Marshall, but most of the other Obama devotees leaning on Barack’s every word.  “I think that tired old [actress] is tore up.  Yeah, [Locklear] used to be hot back when she was on The Fall Guy,” ranted Obama, “but now she looks more like that ol’ biddy (pictured left) married to John McCain.”  Following the outburst by the Presidential frontrunner, Marshall, shocked and dismayed, shook his head mournfully and muttered “what kind of idiot confuses Heather Locklear with Heather Thomas?”

Friday, October 17, 2008

Washington News In Brief

Scientists Fear Political Eruption Imminent

Report by Walter Hodges, OR Chapter

Government Seismologists cautioned Wednesday that underlying emotions stoked by political schisms are threatening to erupt in many areas of the country.  “The threat is particularly dangerous in so-called ‘battle ground’ states where the public is constantly bombarded with negative campaign ads,” says Dr. Francis Norton of the United States Geological Survey (USGS).  The USGS is suggesting that citizens avoid artificial stimulants such as caffeine and meth-amphetamines, and limiting exposure to political stimuli like political ads and that annoying guy at work with all the bumper stickers who won’t shut up about how only an idiot would vote for so-and-so.

Liberals Call GOP Billboard Racist

Report by Alan Bostwick, MN Chapter

Liberal political action committee (PAC) MoveOn.Org issued a statement on Tuesday demanding that billboards recently erected by the Republican National Committee (RNC) be removed immediately.  The billboards in question point out the difference between the so called “fast lane” and “slow lane”, and bill the ad as a “Public Service Announcement”. 

MoveOn.Org called the ad campaign as racist and demeaning to both Asians and Gays.  “Everyone knows that Asians and Gays are the world’s worst drivers, and this is an obvious attack on those people groups by the hate-mongers on the Right,” says MoveOn founder Joan Blades.  RNC spokesman Bill Daniels responded to the accusations by asking, “What?!”

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Nebraska Rejects “Flat” Characterization

Report by Jon Pranteen, NE Chapter

Calling the term “flat” a “repugnant mischaracterization of the beauty hidden within the gentle contours of the Great State of Nebraska,” Governor Dave Heineman, with the backing of the Nebraska State Legislature, announced that the great plains state would no longer answer to, “hey you, the really long, boring, flat state.”  Posing with 2007 Miss Heartland, Rachel Seidel, following the announcement, Governor Heineman joked with reporters saying, “as you can plainly see, Nebraska is anything but flat!”  Heineman’s wife, also pictured, reacted to the comment with a swift elbow to the governor’s ribs.  

After a heated exchange of incoherent mumbles between Heineman and Nebraska’s First Lady, the governor unveiled a replica of new state signs that had earlier in the week been place at either end of the state on Interstate 80.  Heineman closed the evening by inviting the World to “enjoy Nebraska’s subtle,” and winking at Seidel, “and not-so subtle contours!”

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

McCain Billboard Outrages Liberals

Report by Skip Hartman, NM Chapter

In a move that redefines the term “negative campaign ads,” the McCain camp unveiled new billboard ads that appear to support the killing of liberals in order to help usher the conservative into the White House.  Brett Atkins, a campaign worker for Obama in Santa Fe, reacted to the ad by shooting an elderly couple who passed in front of the campaign office in which he was working.  The elderly couple had been wearing McCain stickers at the time.  After knocking the couple down with one shot to the chest of each of his victims, Atkins stood over the pair and unloaded the 15 round clip of his 9mm Glock 19 directly into the McCain stickers the pair was wearing on their chests.  

Barack Obama was quick to distance himself from Atkins, by saying, “Brett has been suspended from the campaign while he deals with issues that stem from abusive conservative parents.  It is unfortunate that John McCain’s hateful ads were the spark that triggered this unfortunate event.”  Obama then added with a thoughtful grin, “Liberals - 2, Conservatives - 0”

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Jason Bateman: Greatest Actor Ever?

Citizen Spotlight Special Report by Thaddeus Stanley, AoE Senior Publications Officer

Since first turning heads as little James Cooper Ingalls alongside Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, critics have considered Jason Bateman one of the finest actors of our, or any, generation. With a resume that includes Silver Spoons, The Hogan Family, Chicago Sons, and Arrested Development, Bateman has solidified his place in the hearts of television viewing Americans. Add to that, silver screen turns in such hits as Teen Wolf Too, The Kingdom, and The Ex, and there is no doubt that Bateman is one of the finest actors to ever practice the art. But is he the best of all who have shadowed the stage and screen? What follows is a list of reasons that prove Jason Bateman is, in fact, the greatest actor the World has ever known.

Reason #1: Bateman survives being a child actor

Dana Plato, Tracy Gold, Emmanuel Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ricky Schroder, Natalie the heavy-set girl from The Facts of Life, and countless other child stars have fallen from the spotlight due to lack of talent or substance abuse. Though beginning his career when he was only 11, Jason Bateman withstood the test of time, carried on the back of raw talent and rugged good looks. Says former child actor Gary Coleman, “If I could kill [Jason] Bateman, and extract even half the talent that he carries in one of his little toes, I could rule Hollywood as a living thespian-god.” 

Reason #2: Other actors want to be him.

While most stars have fans that emulate them, and imitation is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery, the extent to which some actors have gone to mimic Jason Bateman is beyond psychotic. Take for instance, Michael J. Fox who reportedly had plastic surgery to look more like Bateman, and even took an acting job as the brother of Jason Bateman’s real life sister to understand his idol more completely. The cut-rate Bateman knock-off Fox, referring to Teen Wolf, stated, “Being asked by the producers to step in when Jason [Bateman] was unavailable was the highlight of my career. It was like for a couple months, I got to be Jason ... it was a surreal experience.” 

Reason #3: His sister is/was hot

Justine Bateman, pictured here with the talentless Jason Bateman wannabe hack that portrayed her brother on the sitcom Family Ties, is super hot ... or at least she was. Bateman’s sister reappeared briefly a decade or so ago in a sitcom with SNL’s Rob Schneider and still displayed the hotness she commanded during her Family Ties days, but has virtually disappeared since, so it is hard to know if she’s still hot. 

Reason #4: Range

Jason Bateman has portrayed an orphan, a bully, an older brother, a younger brother, a werewolf, a father, a son, and even, in a coup-de-force of theatrical depth, a man pretending to be a paraplegic. What’s more, when Bateman plays a son, the audience believes he’s a son, when he plays a brother, it’s as if he has been a brother all his life. Famed director Martin Scorsese said this about Jason Bateman, “I have never had an opportunity to work with Jason Bateman.”

Reason #5: Bateman’s work takes center-stage instead of personal life

The Brad Pitt’s and Julia Roberts’ of Hollywood are forced to supplement their acting with juicy insights into their sordid world of substance abuse and debauchery to keep audiences interested. Conversely, Bateman’s filmography is more than enough to satisfy the lusts of Hollywood consumers and keep them coming back for more. Jason doesn’t have to go public with “sex addiction” like Duchovny, or have sex with women, like Linsey Lohan, or get caught with a hooker like Hugh Grant, or make a sex tape like virtually every other washed up pop icon; with Bateman, it isn’t about off-screen sex, its about on-screen magic. The producer of Arrested Development once said of Bateman, “Jason doesn’t need a penis, because he makes love with the camera.”

To learn more about the actor-god Jason Bateman, see any one of a thousand fan sites dedicated to the greatest actor of all time, such as:

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Jared Pollard, NJ Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit, Ann Coulter, announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book, and related line of clothing.  The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter.  The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that History is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.”  Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”  

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing.  Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources.  The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores next week.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A Choice Between Republicrats and Demoblicans

Special OpEd by AoE Founding Member Dixie Larkin

Today is the crucial day for many political hopefuls, it’s sink or swim day ... the day that decides who gets their name upon the November ballot.  The Presidential candidates are already decided, but for those offices that we have all but forgotten exist, this very day, we can cast our voice via vote to select the best crooks of the bunch. 

This evening, with bated breath, our State Assembly/Senate/Congress hopefuls will be pacing the floor, awaiting the returns to see if they will progress in their quest to join the elite group of crooked swine who “lawfully” extort money from the good citizens of our states and nation.

Permit me to take an opportunity on this auspicious day to pose a question.  Why do we - and by “we” I mean “We the People,” the ordinary folk who punch the time clock, raise families, pay bills, drive minivans, etc. - feel the need to elect people who don’t understand our lives?  George W. Bush has never wondered where the next meal is coming from.  Al Gore, despite his environmental babble, pays more for his power bill, than many of us earn in a month.  Has Barack Obama ever cleaned a toilet, or dug a ditch, or changed the oil in a car in his adult life?  How many homes does John McCain and his wife own?  How are the people that we choose to represent us, similar to us?  And if they do not know what our lives are like, how can they truly represent us?

Year in and year out, we elect the wealthy elite (American Royalty) to make decisions concerning our hard earned money.  These are people who have never gone without, and can not conceive of life without the frills and spoils wealth brings.  State and Federal prisoners get air conditioning and cable TV because it would be “inhumane” for them to go without these necessities.  Meanwhile many law abiding Americans must suffer these “inhumane” conditions because they haven’t the money to afford it.  What is wrong with a country that treats its prisoners better than the working poor?

Don’t take this to mean that I begrudge the wealthy, I don’t.  The rich have every right to be rich.  Further, I’m not advocating for Republicans or Democrats, because I believe the party leaders of both to be completely out of touch with the lives and needs of Americans.  All that I am asking is why we continue to elect people who are out of touch with us.  Arrogance is not a virtue, and wealth is not a requirement for political office.  If we want representation, we should choose leaders who have the ability and understanding to represent us, else the dream our Constitution represents will become just another antiquated idea lost beneath the dust of time.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Cheney Announces He is the Anti-Christ

Report by Sven Rassmunson, CA Chapter

Dick Cheney publicly announced at a press conference today that he will “very soon rule the World.”  Cheney, rarely seen without make-up covering the pentagram, or “sign of the beast” on his forehead, stepped up to the podium at the press conference, proudly displaying his satanic tattoo.  “Let me be clear,” Cheney began, “I will not be a gracious President, I mean to command the entire world like Elliot Spitzer commands his whores, and I will beat her like a red-headed step-child until she submits to my every directive.  I am the Anti-Christ!” boomed Cheney as he repeatedly struck the wooden stand.

Many Americans, though having secretly thought for some time that Cheney might be the Anti-Christ were saddened by the news; many more were caught completely off-guard.  Even in liberal circles, the news came as a shock to some.  Antwon Devine, a social worker and gay rights activist said, “I thought he couldn’t be all bad, after all, he’s got that log-cabin lesbian daughter,”  Antwon wiped away a tear and finished with a sigh, “... you just never know.”

Despite the evidence to the contrary, some skeptical DC pundits doubt the authenticity of Cheney’s claim.  “What if he’s just gone power-mad?  For heaven’s sake, he’s defrauded the American people, embezzled billions, maybe trillions, of dollars for himself and his cronies, the blood of thousands of Americans is on his hands, and he actually shot a man ... and nobody does anything to deter him.  He must feel like a god that can’t be stopped.  Wait, I think I just made the case for him being the Anti-Christ ....” 

Following the controversial remarks, there are those who fear Cheney, those who dismiss Cheney, and even those who have begun to worship the Vice President.  Vic Burrows, Vice Chancellor of The National Satanic Communion (NSC), told the press that NSC would officially “begin worshipping the man-god Cheney on April 30th.”  April 30th is Walpurgis, one of the most important dates on the Satanic calendar, a night of blood rituals and human sacrifice.  Burrows, went on to say, “because of the momentousness of this occasion, [the NSC is] trying to book Miley Cyrus to perform, and then be sacrificed.  It will be the biggest Walpurgis blowout ever!” 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Jackson Celebrates 50th with Children

Report by Bill Theide, GA Chapter

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, Celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend at a Southern California McDonalds Playplace.  Jackson reportedly rented out the entire restaurant and gave local children $10,000 each to attend.  The children, who were almost entirely young boys, were hand selected by Jackson and even allowed to spend some “special alone time” with the pop star behind the ball pit.  

Longtime friends of Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minnelli were in attendance along with Idaho Senator Larry Craig and Snack Cake icon, Twinkie the Kid.  Said Taylor, “It was so kitsch eating Happy Meals with the little kids, but great seeing Michael rolling around with the boys, squealing, grabbing, and having fun ... I haven’t seen Michael that happy since his time with Webster.    

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Study Indicates Body Modification Trend Related to Parental Affection

AoE Citizen Spotlight on Dr. Jan Gould, University of Phoenix.  

Report by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

A new study by the University of Phoenix claims to have discovered an inverse relationship between a father’s love and his daughter’s propensity to engage in body modification.  The study, which compared 5000 young women who had modified their appearance with multiple piercings, tattoos, cuttings, and/or breast reductions, with a like number who had no more than a simple pair of earrings, found that as paternal affection levels dropped, the likelihood of body modification increased.  Jan Gould, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Phoenix called the findings “a breakthrough for modern pop psychology,” and said, “this should put an end to crappy fathers bitchin’ about their daughters coming home looking like ... like ... well, whatever they come home looking like.”

The most significant sub-factor of paternal affection, indicates the study, is the way the daughter perceives her father perceives her.  Gould unboxed that complicated phrase by saying, “If the daughter believes her dad thinks she’s pretty, she will think she’s pretty and not feel the need to modify her looks.  However, a daughter who feels ugly, because dad doesn’t tell her she’s beautiful, will try to compensate by running long needles through various parts of their flesh, or getting covered in tattoos, or cutting themselves, what-have-you.”  According to an earlier study, the effects of body modification rarely help the situation for unfortunate looking women, as the altercations only draw more attention to the problem area, namely the outward appearance.  “What was bad to begin with, becomes worse, much worse.”

For Gould, the smoking gun was a particular “tramp stamp” donned by Melissa G.; the lower back tattoo reads “Daddy’s Girl?.”  Gould stated, “I think that tattoo says it all, note the question mark, this is a girl who doesn’t know if she’s daddy’s girl, so she gets a couple tattoos, pierces her lip and nose, and puts a big ugly suggestive plug in her ear.  Oh and yeah, that butterfly tattoo on her neck ... now she’s ugly and jobless, way to go Melissa!”  Starting in October, the University of Phoenix intends to study the link between male body modification and a scorned Oedipus Complex.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

McCain Regrets Drunken Promise

Report by Ed Steele, MN Chapter

The Republican ticket, it seems, is the result of a promise made by a drunken, horny Senator John McCain.  An unidentified source close to the Arizona Senator told the AoE  that three months ago, in a moment of alcohol-induced weakness, the Senator offered Alaska Governor Sarah Palin a place on the Republican ticket if she consented to an extramarital tryst.  Apparently driven by political ambition and an insatiable lust for sex, Palin eagerly agreed to let the inebriated McCain descend into the depths of her inner-being.

Although McCain attempted to renege on the perverse compact, Palin would not be dissuaded, and threatened to go public with the affair if she was not given the VP slot as promised.  Given Sarah Palin’s ties to Big Oil in Alaska, it seems that McCain has truly crawled in bed with Big Oil.  Many DC pundits are concerned that the one time “maverick” has been reduced to nothing more than a corporate boy toy.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Product Safety Commission Forces Toy Recall

Report by Alan Jennings, CT Chapter

In response to consumer complaints concerning the wildly popular Playtime Toys’ DeathCon 5 “Kill, Rape, and Destroy” Exxxtreme Adventure Team, the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission (USCPSC) compelled Playtime Toys to remove the Dex McStabby: International Man of Murder Action Figure from toy store shelves.  According to complaints, the “razor sharp” sword wielded by McStabby is actually razor sharp, and has caused serious injuries to children.  The USCPSC will soon be deciding whether other members of the Exxxtreme Adventure Team pose a safety risk to children as well.  Bones Gruesome: SlashMaster Extraordinaire, a teammate of Dex has actual miniature razor blades attached to the soles of his boots, and the Luther Van Slay: Deep Cavity Penetrator action figure comes with long metal spear that, according to the box, “may cause serious injury or death.”  Through the Freedom of Information Act, the AoE was able to obtain several redacted copies of complaints to the USCPSC, one of which has been included below.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Pickens Backs Personal Methane Reclamation

Report by Hal Stevenson, OK Chapter

T. Boone Pickens, an American businessman who has made billions from oil and gas, recently made headlines by aggressively advocating for wind generated power.  Pickens is back in the news with his latest alternative energy plan, which harnesses a different kind of wind.  The Oklahoma billionaire has developed a contraption to harness the methane gas producing capacity of the human body. Says Pickens, “America became the World Power on the strength of self-dependence, and there is nothing more American than depending on our own bodies for energy production.”

The unit, which weighs 50 pounds, connects a pair of airtight rubber underwear to a methane collector that is worn on an individual’s back.  Pickens calls “this unobtrusive miracle of modern science ... the fruition of our ‘green’ aspirations.”  By maintaining a high legume diet, and wearing the backpack unit nonstop, an individual can collect enough methane to heat an average home for one week each year.  Pickens looks “forward to the day when we can point our collective American ass at the Arabs and say, ‘no thank you, we’ve got our fuel right here!’”

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Pelosi Offers to “Take One For The Team”

Report by Nancy Baker, NV Chapter

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who endured accusations about methamphetamine use earlier this year, reportedly told Democratic nominee Barack Obama that she would “take one for the team” and seduce John McCain to ruin his reputation.  McCain, who is rumored to have a soft spot for tweekers, is thought to be an easy mark for the ghastly thin Pelosi.  Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who has been teasing McCain for the past several years with such advances as tickling his privates during pivotal votes, believes she can get the former prisoner of war to engage in a little “John Edwards style love” thus endangering his bid for the White House.  It is rumored that Obama responded to the plan by saying, “I see nothing, I know nothing.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rice Calls Franco “Tawdry Whore”

Report by Eloise Finn, AR Chapter

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, commenting on the ongoing Olympic Games, said she was “proud of the job that U.S. athletes were doing,” but was concerned that Paraguayan woman javelin thrower Leryn Franco was “distracting attention from the real purpose of the games.” Rice, who was apparently, and deludedly, seeking to capture the eye of the International community with her own stunning good looks, lashed out at Franco for stealing the limelight, “If that no-talent tawdry whore thinks prancing around in a skimpy outfit, advertising her body, and throwing a stick makes her attractive ... err, an athlete, well she’s sadly mistaken. Franco, responding to the attack from China, referring to Rice said, “tu eres la venida que tu madre se olvido de tragar.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bush Orders Guns N’ Roses Back to Work

Report by Jan Lewis, CA Chapter

Citing “some regulation or something” that allows the President to send striking workers back to work, George W. Bush, Monday, ordered Slash (pictured right), Izzy, and Duff back into the Guns N’ Roses line up.  “If Axl (upper left) and Slash can’t get along and make kick ass rock ‘n roll records,” wondered Bush, “then how can Democrats and Republicans be expected to work together?”  

At a small ceremony at which Bush signed the order mandating GNR to reunite, Bush emphasized that Americans look up to Rock musicians and commented “In this, America’s hour of need, hacks like Finck, Stinson, and Pitman just don’t have the skills necessary to rally the spirit of this great land!”  Bush went on to pledge that “with order being restored to the House of Rock, so to will order be restored to our Nation’s economy.”  

To help ease the transition, federal agents took scab guitarist Ron “Bumblefoot” Thai (lower left) into custody early this morning with plans to detain him at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely.

Monday, August 18, 2008

U.S. Sends Osmonds to Hell

Report by Dennis Hascert, SC Chapter

Sibling singers Donny and Marie Osmond, played three standing room only shows in Hades recently as part of a Good Will tour sent by the U.S. Government to Hell.  Donny and Marie were named co-Ambassadors to the Nether World last month by President George W. Bush and spent some time with the ruler of the Dark Realm, as well as many deceased fans of the 70’s singing sensations.  Speaking by phone from his family home near Ogden, Utah, Donny Osmond remarked, “It is such an honor to be chosen by the President to serve in Outer Darkness,” adding with a somber note, “It breaks my heart because there are so many lost souls there yet to be baptized for ... I know how Angelina [Jolie] must feel when she visits those poor countries where she buys all her kids.”  There has been some talk of Satan, who played drums under the pseudonym “Ginger Baker” in the late 60’s and 70’s with such notable bands as Cream and Blind Faith, joining the Osmonds to form a power trio the likes of which the world of Rock ‘n Roll has never seen, but Donny insists that such talk is still premature at this stage.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Produce That Bucks the Trend

Sponsored Editorial by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

In a day and age where health foods dominate the market, one company continues to give the people what they want. Snedley Family Farms has been a midwest produce icon for over 100 years; however, their produce is unlike any other you are likely to find. The Snedley’s combine the goodness of real fruit with the great taste of bacon fat.

The Snedley’s began as a small family farm in 1903, raising pigs and growing produce. In 1910, Elmer Snedley, who had grown fond of cleaning up the bacon grease from his breakfast plate with apple slices, had an epiphany - what if the apples had bacon fat inside them, then he could snack on that amazing taste throughout the day, not just at breakfast.

Elmer spent the next ten years perfecting a method to distribute bacon fat throughout the interior of the apple without damaging the integrity of the fruit. Over the next five years, Elmer experimented with strawberries, zucchini, tomatoes, and carrots. At first, it was for his family’s consumption, but after friends and neighbors raved about the amazing taste of his bacon fatted fruits and vegetables, he decided there might be a market for his unique produce.

On June 5, 1926, Elmer Snedley loaded a bushel basket full of bacon fatted apples and took them to the farmers market. He only sold two apples, but wasn’t deterred; the following week he sold four, and on week three, only ten. Elmer kept returning, each week with a full bushel basket of his delicious apples. It wasn’t until the end July that Snedley finally returned home with an empty basket, but by the summer’s end, Elmer couldn’t produce enough fatted fruit to keep up with demand.

Since that time, the Snedley’s fatted produce business has grown in leaps and bounds. Elmer’s son Patrick Snedley took over the family business in 1949, and it has remained a family owned enterprise to this day, supplying grease loving Americans with the natural goodness of fruit and real animal fat. In 1999, the Snedley’s teamed up with Professor Eric DeGroff, a renown geneticist, to develop and patent a process to marble the meat of the fruit with real bacon fat. “When you slice into a Snedley’s product, it’s like slicing into a fresh grown pork chop,” proclaimed famed chef Reginald Fontaign, continuing, “the fruit is out of this world, and the vegetables literally fry themselves, just add heat.”

With “fat free” foods overtaking the precious real estate that is grocery store shelves, it is refreshing to find a product that embraces the animal fat that made this country great. “Grandma and Grandpa didn’t eat tofu, they ate bacon, real bacon, dripping with the fat of this land, and we’ve forsaken that heritage for the sake of a few calories,” commented Adrian Sanders of the American Gastronomical Heritage Foundation. Great taste and great tradition come standard with every piece of Snedley’s Bacon Fatted Produce. Why not bring home a bushel of Snedley’s today - available in you grocer’s meat department.