Sunday, April 25, 2010

White House Bowling Alley Turned Pot Head Paradise

Report by Avis Jorgeson, CA Chapter

The White House has undergone many aesthetic changes over the years.  Each new First Family brings its own sense of style and preferences.  First Ladies bring their own sense of fashion to the living areas, while the President chooses furnishings for the Oval Office.  Among the controversial changes made by President Obama was replacing a portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with an artist’s rendering of Obama’s political hero, Adolf Hitlter.  Flaunting Socialist and tyrannical leanings is one thing, but White House historian and legal expert Walter Williams of the Millwright Institute says, “never has a President paraded his distain for U.S. law and the Office of the President as turning the White House into a working marijuana farm.”  The marijuana farm to which Williams refers is a room that was a bowling alley from Nixon’s time until just a few months ago.  Obama has since converted that room to house dozens of hydroponic marijuana plants which he grows for “green technology experiments and personal use”.

Obama, who sought to keep his indoor marijuana crop a secret, according to a White House source, was forced to reveal his illegal garden after a photographer to a picture of him leaving Air Force One caring a book titled The Homegardeners Guide to Growing Marijuana.  

Saturday, March 20, 2010

States Accuse Washington of Provoking a ‘War of Federal Aggression’

Special Report by Dixie Larkin, AOE Founding Member

Not since the debate over slavery has an issue so bitterly divided this nation.  This time around, the Federal Government seems to be set on making slaves of citizens rather than setting slaves free, according to State lawmakers across the heartland.  A Coalition of Conservative States made primarily up of 31 traditionally red states (see map and Alaska) have voiced their intention of severing ties with DC if the pending Health Care legislation is passed.  In addition to the states shown, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Maine and Rhode Island are on the fence, but sources say all but Rhode Island are leaning toward joining the Coalition.

“We believe the Federal Government has usurped the Constitution,” says Texas Governor Rick Perry, “When we agreed to enter the Union, we agreed with an understanding of the power of the Federal Government as laid out in the Constitution.  In no uncertain terms, the Federal Government has violated that agreement ... they broke the contract, so to speak, and has thus relinquished us of our duty to abide by that agreement, which is to remain a State in the Union.”  Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who studied law at Regent University, a premier conservative Christian Law School, added, “make no mistake, the decisions being made in Washington [DC] are tearing apart the very fabric of our nation.  Foisting such Unconstitutional legislation as ObamaCare upon an unwilling citizenry is tearing away the very threads upon which this nation was sown together.”  Governor Tim Pawlenty (MN), who is trying to steer his state toward joining the Coalition underlined the fierce reverence that Coalition leaders have for the United States of America, but said, “When the Federal Government abandons the Constitution, patriots have no choice but to abandon the Federal Government.

In response to backlash from States, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) flippantly alluded to the Civil War era Mason-Dixon line by asking that the line separating the “redneck states from the progressive blue states” would be named the Pelosi-Reid line.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) weighed in by calling the 31 Coalition State a “fringe group” who would “quickly be crushed if they continue this nonsense.”  Governor Bobby Jindal responded to Reid and Pelosi by pointing out that their “cheeky disregard for America’s Heartland is forcing this 'War of Federal Aggression' upon us.”

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

Friday, February 26, 2010

Ipecac CQ Tackles CFA

Sponsored Informational Bulletin by Milton Bradshaw, CT Chapter

Do you have a hard time getting off the couch?  Does the thought of climbing stairs terrify you?  Do you snack between snacks?  Are you one of those people who drive across the street to go to through the McDonalds drive-thru rather than walk your big lethargic backside 200 yards across the road?  If you answered in the affirmative to any of these questions, you may suffer from Chronic Fat Ass.

I used to think I was just always overweight, but my doctor told me I suffered from Chronic Fat Ass, or CFA.  He told me CFA affects millions of Americans but there is a solution.  Ryser Pharmaceuticals recently released an amazing weight loss product called Ipecac CQ.  Ipecac CQ works with the body’s natural chemistry to orally expel unnecessary calories before they show up on your lumpy, blubbery, unsightly, disgustingly obese body.

Unlike other diet plans that force you to eat expensive unpalatable pre-prepared meals, with Ipecac CQ you can eat what you want as often as you want.  Simply take one Ipecac CQ liquid gel after eating and those unneeded calories disappear in a flush.  In just weeks you will see and feel the difference as your weight plummets and your popularity with the opposite sex soars.  Ipecac CQ users have lost 1000’s of pounds already.  Janie (pictured right) lost over 100 pounds in just 3 months!

Ipecac CQ isn’t for everyone.  You shouldn’t take Ipecac CQ if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.  Side effects are frequent and include nausea, fatigue, starvation, and even death.  Your doctor may encourage you avoid Ipecac CQ, but she is probably just a jealous pig who just wants you to be fat like her.  Just imagine how good you’ll look in a swim suit this summer when you’ve slimmed down to 75 pounds.  You’ll be flaunting your sexy new body and your doctor who wouldn’t shut up about the so-called risks will still be fat.

Ipecac CQ, because you’re not good enough, but you could be.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gore: Global Warming to Blame for Erections Lasting Longer than 4 Hours

Report by Bub Johanson, FL Chapter

Former Vice President and self-styled environmental activist Al Gore attended a recent climate change conference in Copenhagen where he rebutted reports of fraud and data manipulation amongst global warming scientists.  Gore, whose own film, An Inconvenient Truth, has been the target of controversy in European Courts because of inaccuracies and exaggerations in the documentary, announced that “global warming is too important an issue to be hemmed in by truth and honesty because of its dire effects on erections.”  Gore sited data provided by Britain’s Climate Research Unit (BCRU) which indicated a link between dangerously long lasting erections and rising global temperatures; however source data would not be released by BCRU, which released a statement saying, “you’ll just have to trust on this.”

Gore was joined at the conference by Stanford Professor Stephen Schneider (pictured here with Al and Tipper Gore) who instead of trying to defend against questions about the BCRU Climategate scandal simply had those who questioned the veracity of BCRU data arrested by UN security.

Congress to Approve $2 Trillion Increase in National Debt

Report by Harrison Davies, SC Chapter

House and Senate Democrats proposed a plan last week that would allow the government to go into as much as $14 trillion in debt.  The plan would permit our government to spend the money that they already spent this year on such failed schemes as TARP, Cash for Clunkers, and the so-called Economic Recovery Act.  When asked if any thought was given to borrowing and spending money that Federal Law forbade them to spend prior to enacting new increased debt limits, Sen Max Baucus (D-MT) replied, “I’m pretty sure Federal Laws don’t apply to us.”

Concern has been voiced by virtually every credible economist that the current levels of spending and borrowing will have devastating long-term effects on our nation and the economic well-being of our citizens.  “Seriously, the U.S. is set to default on $1 Trillion in debt, and our elected officials are proposing spending billions upon billions more on government-run health care and another economic stimulus package,” grumbled economist Steven Lobenstein, “how stupid can lawmakers be?”  

In response to the Congressional Democrats’ plan, the National Economist Council (NEC) proposed a new sign to designate the location of Congress in Washington DC.  Fashioned after signs used to point travelers to libraries around the country, the NEC is proposing that the signs (pictured right) be distributed around the nation’s capital so that tourists will easily be able to locate “the place were such asinine decisions are being made.”

Monday, November 16, 2009

New Civics Curriculum Mandated by Education Dept.

Report by Leon Atherton, UT Chapter

Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced Monday that a new course will be offered at all schools across America, including home schools, effective fall of 2010.  The Federal mandate, or “initiative” as it is being called by Duncan will “tackle the new issues faced by our evolving society.”  Although the United Educators Association (UEA) support the mandate, many educators, including homeschooling families, claim a strong liberal bias.  Secretary Duncan (picture left with the world biggest douche bag) defended the new curriculum by saying, “This new course will inform students of current issues and help defray the effects of outdated and fallacious accounts of other forms of government propagated in decades past.  In short, it will prepare future decision makers to embrace the new direction that the evolved members of our American society is currently embracing rather than the antiquated ideas of segregation, Christianity, and individualism.”

The textbook (pictured right) for the course, which has been produced by Duncan’s Education Department, has been released to educators to preview for the upcoming school year.  Among the features that have some educators and almost all homeschooling families outraged, is a fold-out poster (pictured left) which must be displayed in a prominent place in the room used for educating students.  Says Emily Steinmetz, a homeschooling mother from Ohio, “I’m being forced to promote a system of government, in my home, that opposes religious worship.  Further the textbook itself vilifies Christian tenets as hateful and wrong.”  A public educator from Banger, Maine, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his job, decried the new course saying, “This is just a thin veiled attempt to brainwash our children into accepting the liberal agenda and destroy the Christian, Capitalist, and Individualist foundations of our nation.”

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Senator Webb on Snack Cake Sex

Report by Felix Masterson, WA Chapter

Fresh off the heels of his successful Kama Sutra for the Obese, Senator Jim Webb  (D-VA) is set to release his second sex-help book, this time focusing on snack cake copulation.  The self-described “self-taught sexpert” Webb was not surprised by the reception his first Kama Sutra book enjoyed.  “Everybody likes sex, but not everyone can enjoy the tawdry positions described in the original Kama Sutra.  Let’s face it, not everyone is a skinny Indian.”  While Webb’s first guide focused as much on the sturdy apparatus needed to accomplish the difficult sexual positions as the positions themselves, a sex guide for snack cakes provided a new array of challenges.

“Snack cakes are unlike fat people in many ways,” explain Senator Webb.  “For one, they don’t have skin, they have either a cake-like exterior shell, or are often covered in a perservative-rich frosting.  Compounding the problem, is the constant danger of their cream-filled goodness being squeezed out prematurely if the snack cake is twisted or pressure applied incorrectly.”  Webb dedicated the book to the many brave snowballs, twinkies, ho ho’s, ding dongs, and fruit pies who were injured in the course of research done for the book.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who provided the forward for the book and who has had, according to tabloids, a long running affair with snack cake icon Twinkie the Kid, called the work a “long awaited resource for a sadly neglected minority.”

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Weak Economy Forces US Porn Industry to Outsource

Report by Gino Rossi, CA Chapter

While many Americans are feeling the crunch of the recession, adult film stars are being double teamed by the economy and foreign competition.  In a time when entertainment dollars are scarce, US consumers are spending less on quality American pornography.  This trend has forced smut producers to outsource, using foreign actors for jobs, hand and otherwise, formerly performed by domestic entertainers.  Oftentimes, entire scenes and particular types of shots are filmed outside the US where actors make only two dollars an hour.  Vinny Vinci of Elite Production explained, “We can film an orgy for less than a hundred bucks in Thailand or Bolivia, whereas the same scene may cost $25,000 here.  With connoisseurs purchasing less porn lately, we have had to make hard choices to stay afloat.”

In response to the shafting american porn actors are receiving from their foreign counterparts, many adult entertainers are taking to the street to protest the outsourcing.  Recently a group picketed outside a Los Angeles porn outlet to encourage patrons to choose only homegrown smut.  Harry Longshank, an 18 year-old porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa has been evicted from his $400 per month studio apartment and forced to live out of his van because of the outsourcing.  “I used to make over $3000 performing in 50-60 adult films each month,” reported Longshank, “now I’m back to [gratifying] members of boy bands in back alleys for 20 bucks and a ticket to the show.”  Though most adult entertainers are put out, a few out-of-work actors are able to see the silver lining.  Tiffany Sparkle, who is pictured here holding a sign indication that foreign porn is Unamerican, offered, “at least with Obama’s new health care plan, I’ll be able to get my AIDS meds for free.”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”