Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Gore: Global Warming to Blame for Erections Lasting Longer than 4 Hours

Report by Bub Johanson, FL Chapter

Former Vice President and self-styled environmental activist Al Gore attended a recent climate change conference in Copenhagen where he rebutted reports of fraud and data manipulation amongst global warming scientists.  Gore, whose own film, An Inconvenient Truth, has been the target of controversy in European Courts because of inaccuracies and exaggerations in the documentary, announced that “global warming is too important an issue to be hemmed in by truth and honesty because of its dire effects on erections.”  Gore sited data provided by Britain’s Climate Research Unit (BCRU) which indicated a link between dangerously long lasting erections and rising global temperatures; however source data would not be released by BCRU, which released a statement saying, “you’ll just have to trust on this.”

Gore was joined at the conference by Stanford Professor Stephen Schneider (pictured here with Al and Tipper Gore) who instead of trying to defend against questions about the BCRU Climategate scandal simply had those who questioned the veracity of BCRU data arrested by UN security.

Congress to Approve $2 Trillion Increase in National Debt

Report by Harrison Davies, SC Chapter

House and Senate Democrats proposed a plan last week that would allow the government to go into as much as $14 trillion in debt.  The plan would permit our government to spend the money that they already spent this year on such failed schemes as TARP, Cash for Clunkers, and the so-called Economic Recovery Act.  When asked if any thought was given to borrowing and spending money that Federal Law forbade them to spend prior to enacting new increased debt limits, Sen Max Baucus (D-MT) replied, “I’m pretty sure Federal Laws don’t apply to us.”

Concern has been voiced by virtually every credible economist that the current levels of spending and borrowing will have devastating long-term effects on our nation and the economic well-being of our citizens.  “Seriously, the U.S. is set to default on $1 Trillion in debt, and our elected officials are proposing spending billions upon billions more on government-run health care and another economic stimulus package,” grumbled economist Steven Lobenstein, “how stupid can lawmakers be?”  

In response to the Congressional Democrats’ plan, the National Economist Council (NEC) proposed a new sign to designate the location of Congress in Washington DC.  Fashioned after signs used to point travelers to libraries around the country, the NEC is proposing that the signs (pictured right) be distributed around the nation’s capital so that tourists will easily be able to locate “the place were such asinine decisions are being made.”

New Civics Curriculum Mandated by Education Dept.

Report by Leon Atherton, UT Chapter

Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced Monday that a new course will be offered at all schools across America, including home schools, effective fall of 2010.  The Federal mandate, or “initiative” as it is being called by Duncan will “tackle the new issues faced by our evolving society.”  Although the United Educators Association (UEA) support the mandate, many educators, including homeschooling families, claim a strong liberal bias.  Secretary Duncan (picture left with the world biggest douche bag) defended the new curriculum by saying, “This new course will inform students of current issues and help defray the effects of outdated and fallacious accounts of other forms of government propagated in decades past.  In short, it will prepare future decision makers to embrace the new direction that the evolved members of our American society is currently embracing rather than the antiquated ideas of segregation, Christianity, and individualism.”

The textbook (pictured right) for the course, which has been produced by Duncan’s Education Department, has been released to educators to preview for the upcoming school year.  Among the features that have some educators and almost all homeschooling families outraged, is a fold-out poster (pictured left) which must be displayed in a prominent place in the room used for educating students.  Says Emily Steinmetz, a homeschooling mother from Ohio, “I’m being forced to promote a system of government, in my home, that opposes religious worship.  Further the textbook itself vilifies Christian tenets as hateful and wrong.”  A public educator from Banger, Maine, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his job, decried the new course saying, “This is just a thin veiled attempt to brainwash our children into accepting the liberal agenda and destroy the Christian, Capitalist, and Individualist foundations of our nation.”

Senator Webb on Snack Cake Sex

Report by Felix Masterson, WA Chapter

Fresh off the heels of his successful Kama Sutra for the Obese, Senator Jim Webb  (D-VA) is set to release his second sex-help book, this time focusing on snack cake copulation.  The self-described “self-taught sexpert” Webb was not surprised by the reception his first Kama Sutra book enjoyed.  “Everybody likes sex, but not everyone can enjoy the tawdry positions described in the original Kama Sutra.  Let’s face it, not everyone is a skinny Indian.”  While Webb’s first guide focused as much on the sturdy apparatus need to accomplish the difficult sexual positions as the the positions themselves, a sex guide for snack cakes provided a new array of challenges.

“Snack cakes are unlike fat people in many ways,” explain Senator Webb.  “For one, they don’t have skin, they have either a cake-like exterior shell, or are often covered in a perservative-rich frosting.  Compounding the problem, is the constant danger of their cream-filled goodness being squeezed out prematurely if the snack cake is twisted or pressure applied incorrectly.”  Webb dedicated the book to the many brave snowballs, twinkies, ho ho’s, ding dongs, and fruit pies who were injured in the course of research done for the book.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who provided the forward for the book and who has had, according to tabloids, a long running affair with snack cake icon Twinkie the Kid, called the work a “long awaited resource for a sadly neglected minority.”

Weak Economy Forces US Porn Industry to Outsource

Report by Gino Rossi, CA Chapter

While many Americans are feeling the crunch of the recession, adult film stars are being double teamed by the economy and foreign competition.  In a time when entertainment dollars are scarce, US consumers are spending less on quality American pornography.  This trend has forced smut producers to outsource, using foreign actors for jobs, hand and otherwise, formerly performed by domestic entertainers.  Oftentimes, entire scenes and particular types of shots are filmed outside the US where actors make only two dollars an hour.  Vinny Vinci of Elite Production explained, “We can film an orgy for less than a hundred bucks in Thailand or Bolivia, whereas the same scene may cost $25,000 here.  With connoisseurs purchasing less porn lately, we have had to make hard choices to stay afloat.”

In response to the shafting american porn actors are receiving from their foreign counterparts, many adult entertainers are taking to the street to protest the outsourcing.  Recently a group picketed outside a Los Angeles porn outlet to encourage patrons to choose only homegrown smut.  Harry Longshank, an 18 year-old porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa has been evicted from his $400 per month studio apartment and forced to live out of his van because of the outsourcing.  “I used to make over $3000 performing in 50-60 adult films each month,” reported Longshank, “now I’m back to [gratifying] members of boy bands in back alleys for 20 bucks and a ticket to the show.”  Though most adult entertainers are put out, a few out-of-work actors are able to see the silver lining.  Tiffany Sparkle, who is pictured here holding a sign indication that foreign porn is Unamerican, offered, “at least with Obama’s new health care plan, I’ll be able to get my AIDS meds for free.”

Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”

ObamaCare To Promote Self-Medication, Suicide

Report by Janet Pennington-Davis, NY Chapter

President Barack Obama, who recently credited himself for “pulling our economy back from the brink” went on national television last week to plug a nationalized healthcare bill which many are calling ObamaCare.  Though neither the President nor any member of Congress have yet read the massive bill, Obama and key Democrats in both Houses are pushing passage of the bill before the American public has an opportunity to find out what is actually included in the healthcare plan.

Despite falling approval ratings prompted by rising unemployment and exploding national deficits, the President has taken up the task of producing a deal on the healthcare legislation that, if passed, will make substantial changes in the way Americans experience health care.  For instance, the bill mandates that doctors encourage patients suffering with depression to “self-medicate” with alcohol in order to keep medication costs down.  In a speech to the Senate on Monday, Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the self-medication provision as a “win-win for the American taxpayer.  Not only will taxpayers not have to pay for depressed people’s drugs, we will see higher tax revenue from increased sales of alcohol!”

An even more surprising aspect of the President’s healthcare plan is the promotion of assisted suicide for chronically ill patients.  In his address to the nation, Obama responded to a question about this controversial issue by saying, “With my plan, there will be a reduction in the number of sick people.  Assisted suicide is just one tool that will help us reach that goal, and fewer sick people is good thing.”

Democrats Shocked to Learn Obama is White

Report by Sean Jensen, CT Chapter

Rich White Democrats across the country are bewildered, distraught, and even angry today upon learning from TMZ.com that President Barack Obama is actually White.  The Internet media outlet TMZ.com released shocking pictures this morning of Barack Obama frolicking on a beach with a portion of his lily white ass exposed.  The pictures, which TMZ has reportedly been in possession of for nearly a year, were released after Obama FCC appointee Michael Copps‘s recent proposal that the Federal Government regulate the content of media in all forms, including blogs and internet outlets, to ensure “positive, responsible, news and information.”

The pictures expose the fraud perpetrated on the American citizenry by Barack Obama, whom many rich White Democrats voted for to assuage their White guilt.  I would have followed Obama to his grave,” stated a furious Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “because it made me feel better about being rich and White.”  Ann Francis, a White Connecticut volunteer coordinator felt bamboozled by the revelation. “I vote for Obama because I grew up surrounded by Whites in an upscale neighborhood, I didn’t even meet an African American person until I was 23.” Francis wondered, “since Obama is White, and I therefore didn’t actually vote for an Afro-American, does this mean I’m still a racist?”  

The Obama Administration issued a statement saying only that “President Obama has never actually claimed to be Black” and that “any attempts to construe this information as deceit on the President’s part is only evidence of a Conservative media bias, the type of which would be addressed by Mr. Copps’s proposed regulation of media, which is why it is so vital that such regulations be passed as quickly as possible.”  The Rev. Al Sharpton responded to the news by saying, “It figures that the only way a Black man can get elected in this country is by being White!” 

AoE Lookback: The Beginning

Featured Content by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

The Army of Epiphenomenon was started in 1980 by a group of young, militant nogoodniks. The youths, having become disillusioned by the educational system that the government was providing “free of charge,” left high school and their small rural town in Southwestern Utah to search the hills surrounding Parowan, Utah for a militia to join. The area they chose seemed to be the ideal place to find a band of camouflage clad, gun toting hillbillies that shared the boys’ negative view of the ever-enlarging Federal Government. The young men chose well, for those very hills were indeed crawling with unwashed militiamen, but for as much as the AoE’s founders wanted to be apart of a militia, the Parowan militiamen were equally adamant about the boys getting “the hell out these dadgum hills.” And left they did, before the hillbillies “sent them back to Uncle Sam with their asses full of lead.”

It seemed that for all their angst, they were missing, or rather not missing, an essential characteristic necessary for membership in a militia; that, of course, being teeth. Unfortunately for the boys, they had grown up accustom to brushing two to three times a day. While each of them had their own specific routine, they could all agree that a good brushing consisted of up and down strokes, back and forth strokes, and certainly a fair bit of circular motion cresting and dipping at the respective gum lines. It must have been quite a shock for the Parowan militiamen to see three sets of brilliantly white gleaming teeth reflecting the horror that was the rot and decay of the hillbillies’ mouths. Perhaps it was jealousy or simply mistrust of those with clean, healthy teeth, but whatever the case, it seemed to be a pandemic of militiamen in rural places across this great land. 

The boys left Parowan in search of another militia to call their own, but every time they came across another militia, the response was the same. The greetings from the militiamen they encountered on their quest ranged from simple hostility to hellish rage. After one such encounter, the boys spent a week picking bird shot from one another’s buttocks. At one point, the boys even considered pulling a few of their own teeth and taking a few days off from brushing; but in the end, reason prevailed and they decided against defacing the teeth they had spent so many years caring for and polishing to perfection.

These young men, the outcasts of outcasts as they were, were left with only one way to release their pent up aggression; that of course being to start their own militia. Their militia was to be the militia for the rest of us, those with good teeth and bad teeth alike, hapless layabouts, and even those with college learning. In 1980, these three brave young men started, what truly was, the anti-militia militia.

To this day we still hold true to the vision of Barnaby Jensen, Dixie Larkin, and Frank Stahlie. We hold fast to the belief that good dental hygiene should be rewarded, not despised. We believe that the government is too large and too flippant with their destruction of the Bill of Rights. We look to the past to seek wisdom for facing the future, and we stand ready, toothbrushes and all, to defend the spirit that guided the foundation of this once great county.

Perez Hilton to Regulate Bloggers

Report by Antonio Soto, TX Chapter

[Editor’s Note: In an effort to abide by newly appointed Blogosphere Czar, Perez Hilton’s recent mandate that any blog articles that might be construed as “hate speech, such as racist, homophobic, and/or psuedo-puritanical Conservative bull[crap] must include an opportunity for response by an individual who voted for and supports the heroic efforts of President Barack Obama,” the AoE invited comedian and liberal political activist Janeane Garofalo to provide such a response.]

Just minutes after President Obama named gossip queen, Perez Hilton, to the newly created post of Blogosphere Czar, Hilton, who garnered national attention for his politically motivated question to Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean about gay marriage, announced that “the fairness doctrine would be applied to blogs to correct an ongoing problem of conservative bias with hundreds of the millions of blogs originating within the United States.”  Hilton, who continued by slapping his own ass and making an obscene gesture with his fingers, shouted, “I’m going to shut you ignorant, queer-hating, bee-itches down.”  

Garofalo:  “Here’s a better headline: ‘George Bush is an idiot!’” 

While many politically conservative and independent bloggers were alarmed by the news that blog content would now be regulated by an individual who clearly opposes any statements that are not consistent with an extremely liberal platform, President Obama reassured the public by saying, “Miss ... ter Hilton has shown courage and integrity through ... [indecipherable] use of electronic media, ... this individual, I believe, embodies the experience and character to guide this nation’s bloggers into a new electronic era.”

Garofalo:  “George W. Bush makes Perez Hilton look like a [fornicating] genius!”

According to Obama’s Executive Order 13512 which created the Blogosphere Czar position, Hilton may now promulgate any regulations upon bloggers that he sees fit “in order to ensure domestic tranquility and positive dialog via electronic media.”  Such an open-ended mandate allows Hilton to restrict what he called, “the ignorant, subversive ramblings of the Right,” despite calls from many bloggers that such restrictions and regulations will violate their Constitutional Freedom of Speech.

Garofalo:  “If stupidity is protected by the Constitution, then we should get rid of it ...”

[Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her insightful and eloquent responses.]