Sunday, May 31, 2009

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Truth Behind Limbaugh’s Rhetoric Concerning Sotomayor

Report by John Price, KY Chapter

A broken heart is apparently behind nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s recent attacks against President Obama’s pick to replace Justice Souter on the Nation’s top Court.  It is being whispered that Limbaugh, who announced during his live broadcast Tuesday that he “hopes she fails”, was romantically linked to Justice-to-be Sonia Sotomayor for over two years between 2004 and 2007.  A source close to Sotomayor revealed that “Rush [Limbaugh] was head over heals for Sonia [Sotomayor], but he couldn’t meet certain needs of hers.  They tried therapy and medication, but “quickdraw”, as Sonia called him, couldn’t control his ... problem.  Sonia had a lot of patience, but in the end she wanted a man who could give her what she needed, so she dumped him.”

Although Limbaugh’s camp has vehemently denied the allegations of a romantic affair between the popular radio personality and the first potential Latino to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court, pictures of the two have surfaced that indicate a relationship existed.  “Limbaugh and [Sotomayor] would often take trips on his boat and be gone for days at a time,” explained Bill Jackson, a Florida resident who docks his boat in the same marina used by Limbaugh.  “They’d often be arguing when they came ashore, Limbaugh would be complaining that it wasn’t his fault, the rough water made him anxious or some such thing.  She’d yell ‘whatever speedy’ and storm off.”

Sunday, May 24, 2009

5 Officers Applauded After Beating a Man Suspected of Driving Without a Seatbelt

Report by Jane Otto, OH Chapter

“Click it or Ticket”, a mantra used by many police departments across the country hasn’t had the deterrent effect originally hoped for.  Many motorist have refused to heed the catchy warning and still drive unrestrained, forcing policing agencies to ramp up efforts.  The Birmingham, AL City Council approved an ordinance last month enabling local officers to “use whatever means necessary to encourage drivers to buckle up.”  Five Birmingham cops took that to heart and have been lauded as local heros.

Officer Ted Phelps, a 15 year veteran of the force noticed Bill Long traveling along Water Street without the life saving protection that seatbelts afford.  Phelps immediately radioed for back-up and tailed the commuter until three other units arrived.  With back-up in place, Phelps reportedly accelerated toward Long’s vehicle, clipping the rear-passenger side of the car, forcing Long off the left shoulder of the road.  Long’s car hit a ditch and rolled twice, throwing his unbuckled, unconscious body from the vehicle, whereupon Phelps and four other officers converged on Long’s body with fists and batons.  Onlookers could hear the officers shouting insults involving Long’s mother and his need to utilize a properly functioning safety harness while driving, even though, in his unconscious state, Long could not hear the well-meaning counsel of the officers.

Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford applauded the officers initiative saying, “The actions of these fine policemen have exclaimed to motorists who don’t wear seatbelts, in no uncertain terms, ‘if an accident doesn’t kill you, we will!’”  Phelps and the other officers involved in the incident are to be awarded with medals for Meritorious Service at an upcoming dinner held in their honor by Mayor Langford (Photo by Bob Farley).

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Senator Jim Webb on Chubby Love

Report by Karla Davies, VA Chapter

Author and Senator, Jim Webb (D-VA), announced Thursday that he is set to release a new book at the month’s end.  The book, which departs from his usual fare of military/intimate fiction and even his lastest non-fiction work, concentrates on the ancient Indian art of love-making, but with a twist.  “Anyone can write about sex,” said Webb, “I’ve proved that with my novels.  What makes this book different is that it focuses on fat sex - a decidedly trickier endeavor.”  Because of the reduced flexibility and extra body mass characteristic of the obese, “many of the tawdry and exciting positions I enjoy are simply unrealistic for portly mates, and many others are made possible only with the help of sturdy girders and customized mounting platforms,” asserted Webb.  “This guide not only describes the relevant mating positions, but includes detailed instructions for constructing the various reinforced platforms that make them possible.”

Webb, who has been a fan of sex, the obese, and small construction projects for years, found the challenge of melding these three obsessions into one project “scintillating”.  “The foundations for this book were laid over 20 years ago as I was building a bird house while watching amateur porn,” revealed the US Senator.  “Somewhere in the back of my mind this idea germinated, and has been waiting for my brain-cervix to open and let it out ever since.”

Senator Webb has made headlines before for his sex-centered writing, particularly during his successful 2006 Senate bid.  His 1981 novel, A Sense of Honor, described the sexual exploits of naughty Nurse Goodbody, while Webb’s 1991 novel, Something to Die For, painstakingly detailed an exotic dancer’s use of fruit.  While some critics have trashed much of Webb’s writing as something akin to Letters to Penthouse, the self-styled “sexpert” Webb calls his work “a raw and sometimes intimate look at life as seen from the viewpoint of men in uniform.  Granted I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination where sex is concerned, and I’ve got a tendency to throw that in where I can.”

Monday, May 11, 2009

Man Realizes Dream, Kills 24

Report by Ed Gilderbraith, IN Chapter

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood condemned narcoleptic truck drivers Monday after a semi truck, helmed by 38 year old Nelson Felcher, careened into a strip mall parking lot Saturday killing 24 and injuring 30.  Felcher (pictured left), a lifelong narcoleptic, graduated from Munz Truck Driving School in Muncie, Indiana in February at the top of his class.  Bill Villenichek, an instructor at Munz, called Felcher a “model student” and said “sure he had a tendency to fall asleep while driving, but nobody is perfect, and beside he could back a trailer into a tuna can ... he was amazing.”

LaHood who became the 16th Transportation Secretary on January 23rd of this year, and has done relatively nothing since taking office, chose this incident to make his first public statement.  “The United States can’t sit idly by and let drivers fall asleep any longer, they are a public menace.  This incident illustrates a need for fundamental change in transportation in this country,” stated Lahood, “we are in the midst of a transportation crisis ... a crisis that demands nationalized driver licensing and strict federal regulation.”  Felcher responded to LaHood’s criticism by crying, “Discrimination, that’s what this is.  The Obama administration is targeting people with disabilities.  If this was WWII Germany, I’d probably be hauled off to an extermination camp for narcoleptics. 

Felcher, who believed he could overcome his disorder with the help of crystal meth, went on describe the pure joy he felt upon receiving his Commercial Drivers License (CDL), “It was a lifelong goal achieved, it was kind of like the first person with a disability walking on the moon.  I proved that even though someone may uncontrollably fall asleep, they can still reach the stars.  I guess Obama and his cronies in Washington just don’t want the little people to live the American Dream.”  Although Felcher’s dream cost 24 people their lives, he will still be driving a truck until the Indiana drivers licensing review board reviews his case at a hearing in August.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Produce That Bucks the Trend

Sponsored Editorial by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

In a day and age where health foods dominate the market, one company continues to give the people what they want. Snedley Family Farms has been a midwest produce icon for over 100 years; however, their produce is unlike any other you are likely to find. The Snedley’s combine the goodness of real fruit with the great taste of bacon fat.

The Snedley’s began as a small family farm in 1903, raising pigs and growing produce. In 1910, Elmer Snedley, who had grown fond of cleaning up the bacon grease from his breakfast plate with apple slices, had an epiphany - what if the apples had bacon fat inside them, then he could snack on that amazing taste throughout the day, not just at breakfast.

Elmer spent the next ten years perfecting a method to distribute bacon fat throughout the interior of the apple without damaging the integrity of the fruit. Over the next five years, Elmer experimented with strawberries, zucchini, tomatoes, and carrots. At first, it was for his family’s consumption, but after friends and neighbors raved about the amazing taste of his bacon fatted fruits and vegetables, he decided there might be a market for his unique produce.

On June 5, 1926, Elmer Snedley loaded a bushel basket full of bacon fatted apples and took them to the farmers market. He only sold two apples, but wasn’t deterred; the following week he sold four, and on week three, only ten. Elmer kept returning, each week with a full bushel basket of his delicious apples. It wasn’t until the end July that Snedley finally returned home with an empty basket, but by the summer’s end, Elmer couldn’t produce enough fatted fruit to keep up with demand.
Since that time, the Snedley’s fatted produce business has grown in leaps and bounds. Elmer’s son Patrick Snedley took over the family business in 1949, and it has remained a family owned enterprise to this day, supplying grease loving Americans with the natural goodness of fruit and real animal fat. In 1999, the Snedley’s teamed up with Professor Eric DeGroff, a renown geneticist, to develop and patent a process to marble the meat of the fruit with real bacon fat. “When you slice into a Snedley’s product, it’s like slicing into a fresh grown pork chop,” proclaimed famed chef Reginald Fontaign, continuing, “the fruit is out of this world, and the vegetables literally fry themselves, just add heat.”
With “fat free” foods overtaking the precious real estate that is grocery store shelves, it is refreshing to find a product that embraces the animal fat that made this country great. “Grandma and Grandpa didn’t eat tofu, they ate bacon, real bacon dripping with the fat of this land, and we’ve forsaken that heritage for the sake of a few calories,” commented Adrian Sanders of the American Gastronomical Heritage Foundation. Great taste, and great tradition come standard with every piece of Snedley’s Bacon Fatted Produce. Why not bring home a bushel of Snedley’s today - available in you grocer’s meat department.