Monday, June 29, 2009

Florida: Tired of Being Called America’s Penis

Report by Floyd Davies, FL Chapter

Led by Florida Governor Charlie Crist, a bi-partisan coalition of Floridians has drawn a preverbal line in the sand.  That line stands for the end of phallic references to the shape of the Sunshine State.  Florida, which actually does roughly reflect the appearance of a flaccid wang, has long endured the ridicule that understandably accompanies its geography.  Crist, who ironically resembles a turgid male genitalia when standing, issued the following statement, “Florida will, from this day forward, no longer tolerate degrading references by other states concerning the unfortunate profile of our great state.  Henceforth, we should like to be thought of for all the wonders that we have to offer, like Disneyworld, the Everglades, and scores of retirees.

Despite the current rhetoric, Florida has a long history of embracing its appearance.  In 1850 a plan, which was never acted upon, was put forth by the State Senate which would have created dikes, similar to Holland’s, to increase the size of the panhandle, thus effectively creating a geographic scrotum to accompany the main body of the state.  In 1887, the Florida House of Representatives approved a bill that would have changed the state nickname from “The Sunshine State” to “The Manhood State”.  In fact, even Juan Ponce de Leon, the Spanish conquistador who gave Florida its name, privately referred to the land as “El Pene” or “The Penis” as translated into English.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Family Values No Longer Part of Official Republican Platform

Report by Aimee Johnson, GA Chapter

In response to numerous sex scandals - in particular, several recent public affairs by high ranking Republicans - the Republican National Committee (RNC) voted Thursday to remove “Family Values” from the official GOP platform. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman, in a speech to the Committee, urged his fellow Republicans to vote to end touting family values by saying, “If we ever want to get votes again, we must stop preaching about family values then inevitably turn around and bang our secretaries. We’re not going stop banging our secretaries, so our only realistic course of action is to stop espousing family values. In that way we won’t be hypocritical pigs, just pigs, and that’s like ... 50 percent better.”

Despite the family-oriented rhetoric of Republicans, GOP politicians provide easy fodder for tabloids and gossip columnists. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (seen here top-left describing how thin his Brazilian whore is) and Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) recently made headlines with their extramarital affairs. In just the past few years, former Congressman Mark Foley of Florida (pictured here on the right savoring the taste of a teenage boy), and former Senator Larry Craig of Idaho (caught here with snack cake industry lobbyist Twinkie the Kid) fell from grace for soliciting sex from boys and airport defecators respectively. Additionally, GOP activists such as Neal Horsley (sex with man and mule), Randal Ankeney (drugged and raped a 13 year old girl), and Parker J. Bena (possession of child porn) have revealed to America just how truly little GOP politicians really care about families and morality.

Former Speaker of the House, Republican icon Newt Gingrich, who has been guilty of several extramarital affairs, commented on the move by saying, “It’s good to see that the RNC is finally on the same page as Republican politicians.”

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

DHS Foils Terrorist Attack on Senators, Public Disappointed

Report by Heather D’Attano, WV Chapter

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) thwarted a plot by Islamic terrorists Monday that targeted the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington DC.  The Russell Senate Office Building, which sits just Northeast of the US Capital Building is home to, among others, Senators John McCain (R-AZ), John Kerry (D-MA), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and Chris Dodd (D-CT).  Although the terrorist attack had been carefully planned over the past two years, DHS just recently stumbled upon information of the plan last Friday when two DHS agents overheard four “bearded men” at a DC donut shop talking about “grenade launchers” and “infidel senators”.  

After reviewing myriad previous interdepartmental reports that apparently referred to the attack but had been dismissed as “harmless internet chatter”, the agents were able to piece together the date and time of siege on the Senate office building and the location of the weapons cache before the attack could take place.  Many Americans voiced disappointment that the plot was uncovered, fearing continued poor leadership in Washington.

Upon hearing the news, Albert Henneman, a drywall finisher from Toledo, Ohio stated, “Finally Islamic terrorists were trying to do some good for this country, and make amends for the 9/11 attacks ... good for them.”  Annette Willis, a homemaker from North Dakota, referring to the halted attack, said, “Our intelligence community can stop an attack on 40 Senators, but can’t be bothered to shoot down two airplanes set to end the lives of 3000 civilians.  Yeah that’s about right for our government.”  Bruce Hennoff, a Florida orange-grower stated, “... a couple dozen rocket propelled grenades headed straight up the [rear end] of those crooked sons of [female dogs] that call themselves ‘public servants’ ... [Deity] that would have been awesome!”

Washington DC police swat units cordoned off the block surrounding the Russell Senate Office Building all day Monday blocking all access to building.  Additional law enforcement units were enlisted to canvas the area to prevent any collateral attacks.  In all, fourteen foreigners have been picked up for questioning on suspicion of terrorism.  The men will likely be transfered to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility for a week’s stay before being released to their own countries in the Middle East. 

Friday, June 19, 2009

Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Obama Sells North Dakota to Rap Mogul

Report by Seth Eitner, NY Chapter

In an apparent effort to generate funds in the hope of halting the U.S. economic free fall, President Barack Obama, yesterday, authorized the sale of North Dakota to music icon Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Combs, formerly known as “Puff Daddy”, was awarded the State of North Dakota for what some consider to be a paltry $47 million.  Some opponents of the deal are upset because the deal was pushed through quickly without allowing other parties to bid on the state, while many North Dakota residents were understandably dismayed that the Federal Government would sell their state out from under them.  A group of over 300 North Dakotians protested the sale today outside the capital building in Bismark, chanting “Go to Hell. We’re not for sale” before being showered with rubber bullets by a hastily assembled interim army wearing a fashionable ensemble designed by Combs under the Sean John label.

Among the critics of the sale are celebrities Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, David Hasselhoff, and Willie Nelson.  “Yo, a deal like this should have been an auction open to the public,” said Jay-Z in response to the sale, “back room deals like this are precisely why Americans don’t trust the government.  Snoop Dogg agree with that sentiment by adding, “Fo’ Shizzle!”  Hasslehoff reportedly was interested in creating a “State of Inebriation”, while Nelson admitted he just wanted a place to smoke marijuana without being hassled.

Combs, in a statement released today, stated that the new nation would be called “Nubia” with himself ruling under the title “Grand Nubian” in the yet to be created capital city of Diddyopolis.  Rather than a representative democracy in the mold of the U.S., Nubia would have a “Parliament Funkadelic” and a Prime Minister type position called the “MC Prime”.  Although Diddy hasn’t settled on who he will appoint as the first MC Prime of Nubia, it is rumored that 50 Cent and Posdnuos from De La Soul are the top contenders for the post.  “The MC Prime will handle most of the day-to-day government [excrement],” announced Combs, “but I’ll being taking a decidedly more hands on role than that ol’ biddy in England.”  

President Obama called the deal a success saying, “Think of this as a real estate deal.  [The U.S.] bought the land from the Indians for a couple beads and now we’ve flipped it for $47 million.  Plus we don’t have to throw away any more stimulus money on that wasteland.”  When asked if it wouldn’t cost at least $47 million to replace the 50 star flags with 49 star flags, Obama indicated that he was considering making Puerto Rico a State to alleviate that expense.  “I’ve been to Puerto Rico and it’s beautiful, responded the President, “what’s North Dakota got? Dirt and snow, that what.  It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Study Shows Congress Still Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

In a follow up to a study done last year by Southern Michigan State University, it is reported that although more Americans than ever have lost faith in Congress, our elected official still have no clue that they suck.  Although their approval rating has plunged to about 6%, down from 13% less than a year ago, still, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen realize that they are despised by nearly 75% of the population.  Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT), who couldn’t be convinced last year that the study referred to both Republicans and Democrats, maintained that “Americans love Republicans” despite the electoral beat down the GOP received last November.  Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, recent convert to the Democrats, echoed Barbara Boxer’s (D-CA) sentiment from a year ago.  “I believe, deep down, Americans like a good screwing,” said Spector, “Republicans seem dejected since November, they don’t have the same enthusiasm for violating the American people that they had during the [George W.] Bush Administration.  I was forced to switch parties because of the new vigor with which Democrats have embraced remorselessly defiling the people of this great nation.”

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Uncle Sam Really Let Himself Go

OpEd by Edward Johnson, OR Chapter

Former fit and trim defender of liberty is now a lethargic and gluttonous slob. Unfortunately, time has not been kind to Uncle Sam, who has grown from 175 pounds to  nearly 400 pounds in only about 100 years.  Many speculate that the waistline growth of “Mr Government” is a direct result of the easy access to processed pork products and fast food.  I spoke with Uncle Sam recently and over the course of the conversation he ate an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  “That was indeed finger-lickin’ good,” remarked Uncle Sam as he searched his fat rolls for any hidden morsels flavored with the Colonel’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.”

I’m a busy man, and I don’t have time to cook.  I have increasingly been doing more and more for the American people over the years,” justified Uncle Sam, “I used to handle basically only foreign affairs and interstate commerce; now I plan for the retirements of about 300 million people - hello, time consuming - and dabble in health care, oversee public and corporate welfare, and am continually leaning on the States to adopt regulations that I believe will make the U.S. a better and safer place.  There is simply no time to hit the gym.”

It is true that the American people have grown increasingly dependent on Uncle Sam over the years.  Related to that phenomenon, we have given up more and more of our hard earned money to our beacon of freedom in order that we don’t have to take care of ourselves.  This influx of cash, has given Uncle Sam the means to eat out five to six times a day.  At this rate, our good uncle will continue to grow ever larger, exacerbating his morbidly obese condition.  Some dietary experts believe that Uncle Sam could reach 1000 pounds by the year 2075.  There is also concern about the health risks associated with the grossly overweight condition of our favorite uncle.  Brian Jenkins, of Weight Watch, contemplated Uncle Sam’s fate, “With every Big Mac, this American icon is shaving precious days from his life.”

There is certainly cause for concern, and without immediate action there will undoubtedly be dire consequences.  “Everyday he reminds me more of “Fat Bastard,” remarked Sen. Larry Craig, likening Uncle Sam to one of the evil characters in the Austin Powers films, “I have images of him grabbing civilians and yelling ‘get in ma belly’” .  “However, his over-indulgence in fried potatoes has done wonderful things for Idaho’s economy,” continued Craig, commenting, “and like myself, Uncle Sam agrees that tator tots are far and away the superior processed potato product.”  Though Idaho has cause for celebration in the short run, all Americans should be wary of the long-term consequences of Uncle Sam’s unprecedented growth.  If Uncle Sam keels over from a massive heart attack, the last, greatest bastion of our liberty will be gone.  

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Obama’s Disturbing Fascination With Hitler

Report by Hector Sanchez, NM Chapter

Far from villainizing the architect of the Third Reich, Adolf Hilter, President Barack Obama appears to have a morbid fascination with the man responsible for the deaths of millions of innocents during his reign in Germany.  Barack Obama has gone so far to flaunt his admiration for Hitler, that he has replaced the traditional portrait of Abraham Lincoln in the Oval Office with one of Adolf Hitler (pictured here during a meeting with Vice President Biden and key advisors.

More frightning than Obama’s veneration for one of the 20th Century’s most dastardly tyrants, is the new President’s desire to emulate the man that most of the World regards as one of the cruelest monsters in history.  Obama reportedly cited the success of Hitler’s state-run car company, Volkswagon, as a major reason for Obama’s hostile takeover of General Motors.  Additionally, sources close to President Obama have leaked rumors that the President refers to Evangelical Christians as “my Jews”, and furthermore, is emptying Gitmo prisons of Islamic militants “to make room America’s biggest threat” namely those Christians who “cling to their God and their guns”.  It is reported that Obama believes the U.S. will be a stronger more powerful nation “if the Christian virus is removed from our national bloodstream”.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

FDA Approves Crystal Meth as Appetite Suppressant

Report by David L. Benson, AR Chapter

In a move lead by the tireless efforts of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Crystal Methamphetamine as a weapon in the battle against the American bulge.  Pelosi, pictured here with Interim FDA Commissioner Dr. Joshua M. Sharfstein, revealed her own use of the drug as a diet aid and proudly displayed the results to a group of spectators after the FDA hearing that approved Meth use.  FDA regulated products account for about 25 cents of every consumer dollar spent, however Sharfstein expects that with so many young adults eager to utilize the miracle diet attributes of Crystal Meth, this number will soon jump to 30 cents.

“America is at war,” declared Sharfstein at the hearing, “at war against fat.  Do we not use missiles in Afghanistan even though a few innocent children might die?  Why should we not then use every weapon at our disposal against a greater threat here on our own soil!”  Pelosi, who was reportedly instrumental in swaying the FDA committee towards approval, will be promoting the use of Meth on behalf of Pfizer for an undisclosed amount to be donated to Pelosi’s campaign fund.  Pfizer’s Crystal Meth product, which is to be called Crystazon, will be packaged in liquid form and can be injected orally in the gums or between toes.