Thursday, July 31, 2008

Schwarzenegger Calls For Statewide Ban on Man-Boobs

Report by Jeanine Folson, CA Chapter

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger urged the California Assembly to pass a controversial ban on what many laughingly refer to as “man-boobs.” In his statement to state legislators, Schwarzenegger singled out octogenarian Jack Nicholson, calling the famed actor a “sissified ‘guhrlie maan’ with [breasts] as big as Maria [Shriver].” The former body builder and movie star rebuked California, once the home of “tight bodied surfer dudes who really knew their way around a long board,” for becoming the home of “fat, fleshy piggies.” The Governator’s plan would give fat-chested men 90 days to “pump their flabby, fleshy ‘guhrlie’ bodies into shape, or they will be put on a Greyhound to Oklahoma.” Schwarzenegger’s statement ended by stating, “It’s time to send the piggies away ... go away piggies, go away.”

Larry Banister, proprietor of Larry’s Frozen Custard in Burbank, CA, and a man personally threatened by the proposed ban, responded to the news by nervously blending delicious frozen custard with tasty morsels of rich milk chocolate and caramel nuggets, then absconding to his back office to pacify his emotions with the heavenly treat and to call his mother for comfort.

Clinton to Madison: take that Constitution and shove it! (5/14/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue # 86: President Clinton gave chief architect of the United States Constitution James Madison, a postmortem slap in the face, adding, “You know where you can stick that parchment bitch!” 

Report by Dan Janson, VA chapter. (May 1998)

Clinton’s attack on Madison came as a shock to many in Washington. “We’ve all trampled the Constitution, which is no big deal because it was written like 200 years ago, back when there wasn’t even microwaves, but to dig up the former president just to smite him was probably going to far,” commented one legislator. The long deceased Founding Father responded to the attack by immediately turning to dust as the shock of the attack on his weathered and deteriorated bones was simply too much for his weakened skeletal structure to handle.

The assault came just one hour after Clinton signed an Executive Order making state and local governments subservient to federal regulators. This is just the latest in a series of attacks on state sovereignty, the Constitution, and the rights of the American people. Clinton defended the Order and the attack on Madison’s corpse by saying, “I am just so sick of looking at that picture of Madison in the White House, he drove me to this point by continually staring at me disapprovingly from inside his frame, as if to say ‘that’s not what Constitution says.’ Screw Madison and screw his stupid Constitution; It’s my country now and I’ll do as I please!”

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Albright Implicated in Sex for Oil Scandal (3/8/99)

AoE Newsletter Issue #94 reported that the Senior Cabinet member was alleged to have provided sexual favors to the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia in exchange for more liberal oil export policies for the U.S.

Report from AoE Newletter by Roger Mintz, VA Chapter (March, 1999)

Despite her critics, Secretary Albright has certainly gone above and beyond for her Commander-in-Chief; recent allegations of Albright engaging in sexual relations at the President’s request seem to back up that claim. If the accusations are true, Madam Secretary can add ‘International Call Girl’ to her already impressive resume.

The alleged receiver of Albright’s sexual services is the Crowned Prince of Saudi Arabia, Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud, the de facto ruler of the oil rich empire since 1996. The Prince holds the key to much of the World’s oil reserves, and the major U.S. oil companies depend upon Saudi oil to turn tremendous profits providing refined petroleum products to domestic industries and consumers.

A DC insider close to the Clinton Administration disclosed that, “Albright has done an extraordinary service for the United States and should be viewed as a hero instead of a whore. If it weren’t for the brave acts provided by Albright to the Prince, our economy which is driven primarily by Big Oil could have been hard hit if the Saudis restricted oil exports.

It is no secret that the Saudi Prince has eye for older women, just last year it was rumored that he briefly courted Albright’s fellow American, Helen Thomas. It is likely that the Clinton Administration used this information to its advantage in sending Albright to “negotiate” on the oil issue.

The current Administration could benefit quite handsomely from the favorable outcome of the recent oil talks. The Clinton’s as well as the Gore’s have a great deal of money tied up on the oil industry as well has having received significant campaign contributions from major oil companies in the past. It is speculated by some pundits that the alleged “sex for oil” program has more to do with personal gain than America’s economic well-being. Given the personal assets that Albright has tied up in the Oil Industry, her potential gain from the oil stocks she holds could make her the highest paid prostitute in the World.  President Bill Clinton quickly decried the allegations, declaring that, “The Prince did not have sexual relations with that woman, Madeleine Albright.”

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lenin back from dead to thank DC lawmakers (12/10/90)

Report in AoE Newsletter by Founding Member Frank Stahlie (Dec. 1990)

After nearly sixty-seven years of torture in the lake of fire, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the chief architect of Soviet Communism, arose from the dead to meet with US Lawmakers yesterday. “My Comrades, though you probably don’t realize it, you capitalists have given this tortured spirit the greatest gift a dead tyrant could ever hope to receive!”

Though many of the lawmakers were taken aback to see the risen corpse of Lenin, many agreed that he was in remarkable shape given the rigors of burning in hell for two-thirds of a century. Sen. Hatch (UT) noted, “He looks great for being being dead so long; it must be a humid heat in Outer Darkness because his skin seems healthy and rejuvenated.”

Lenin met with key legislators from both sides of the aisle, and executive branch officials, behind closed doors for over four hours yesterday afternoon before joining President Bush at the White House for dinner. While the full extent of Lenin’s comments to government officials is not clear, an undisclosed source revealed that Lenin praised the growth in the US federal government and the back room dealmaking that has lead to one of the most totalitarian governments the world has ever seen. Lenin was quoted as saying “the extent to which the Neo-Cons and the so-called liberals have worked together do decimate the freedoms of the American people is a testament to what good government can accomplish.” Apparently, the actions of the US government have not gone unnoticed in Hell, which has greatly reduced the scrutiny formerly given to such tyranical luminaries as Hitler, Mao, and Lenin himself, by the Dark Prince. “Given the fine, albeit evil, work that you are accomplishing up here, former government officials down there are steadily being seen in a better light.” Apparently, that reduced scrutiny has lead to shorter periods of excruciating torment each day, and fewer of “those brain worm things” as Lenin described them.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Cohen Back From Nudist Colony (10/20/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue #92 (Dec. 1998) reported that after disappearing for just over a week, Secretary of Defense Cohen returned, a bit embarrassed, to Washington DC from a clothing-optional compound in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. 

Report by John Weinstein, FL Chapter

William Sebastian Cohen, the Republican Secretary of Defense serving under President Clinton since 1997 , departed from his Arlington, VA home ten days ago, leaving only a note. Addressed only to “My beloved wife, Janet Langhart, and Mr. President,” the note described Cohen’s intention to leave mainstream political life in favor of the secluded life of a commune in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The note stated that Cohen wanted to get closer to God and felt that he would be most able to accomplish that in the “U.P.” because of its “long association with the phrase ‘God’s Country.’”

Cohen, who had been wrestling with a slight cold in the days prior to his disappearance, attributed the episode to an overindulgence of over-the-counter cold medicine. In a statement released to the press, Cohen said, “It turns out I just took too much Robitussin. For the record, I don’t want to live in the Upper Peninsula, nor have interest in referring to it as the ‘U.P.’” 

What Cohen thought was a commune turned out to be a nudist colony. In addition to it not being a spiritually oriented commune,” the statement revealed, “the cold temperatures made [Cohen] self-conscious about strutting around naked.”

Cohen’s statement went on to say that when the cold symptoms subsided and he stopped taking Robitussin, he realized the folly of his actions, stating, “I guess they say not to exceed six doses in a 24 hour period for a reason.”

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Bush: ‘America Got Drunk’

Report by Fran Childers, NV Chapter

A firestorm of criticism has befallen President George W. Bush in the wake of a video that surfaced on YouTube recently. The video is a clip from a recent closed-door campaign fundraiser for Texas Republican Pete Olson, in which the President explains the circumstances surrounding his own election. “There’s no question about it,” Bush said, “America got drunk ... it got drunk and I’m the hangover.” Bush explained that he knew too well the consequences of hard drinking and partying, having had, on several occasions over the past 15 years, the need to wiggle out from underneath a “400 pound heifer” after a “night out with the boys.” The President continued with a knowing smile and a cool southern chuckle, “Let’s see how America will do wiggling out from under me.” In the video clip, Bush, pictured here, went on to describe the consequences of his years of cocaine use.

Kucinich Remains Undaunted

Report by Claire Stevens, PA Chapter

Ohio Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich was the pride of House Liberals again today after stirring up the Bush impeachment pot once again. Kucinich, who has introduced articles of impeachment countless times with the same results as his presidential bids, stood once again before the Judiciary Committee today, and once again, despite cheers from the committee’s Democrats, got nowhere. A Kucinich aide took a few moments to answer questions by phone about the irrepressible man from Ohio.

AoE:   Kucinich appears to be a squirrelly little man with no idea of when to quit, is that true?

Aide: Denny believes that Bush is a crook, he’s just doing what he believes is his job.

AoE: Granted, Bush is a crook, but with so many disappointments under his belt, wouldn’t Kucinich want to crawl under a rock somewhere and die?

Aide: Many of us around the office have long wondered what keeps Denny going; even he knows that whatever he puts his mind to will not end well for him.

AoE: Does he seem to be concerned about his repetitive failures?

Aide: Denny lives by a motto that he has hung on his office wall: “Keep expectations low, and nobody will know that you’ve failed.”

AoE: I’ve got another one for him: “Failure: stick to what you’re good at.”

Aide: Was that a question?

AoE: Did it sound like a question?

Aide: Bitch [Click]

Friday, July 25, 2008

McCain to Call on Greek Gods to Defeat Terrorism

Report by Alan Rossenbaum, NJ Chapter

After months of consideration, Republican hopeful John McCain finally announced his plan to combat the looming threat of terrorism. At press conference today, McCain ripped open his suit coat and dress shirt to reveal a red undershirt with a golden lightning bolt. McCain explained the attire by revealing that he could call upon the power Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury by shouting “Shazam!” at which time an animated lightning bolt would transform him into the world’s mightiest mortal. “If elected, I will personally alleviate the threat of terrorism by transforming into a one-man terrorist-ass kicking machine,” proclaimed McCain, who, despite doctor’s orders to the contrary, thrust his fists triumphantly in the air ... then collapsed in an unconscious heap on the floor.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Obama Completes Tour of Future U.S. Territory

Report by John Palatini, WV Chapter

Democratic contender Barack Obama followed up his tour of Jordan, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq, with a stop over in Israel where he pledged to continue the work of George W. Bush on the creation of a U.S. controlled Middle East Territory. Obama spent time with the various leaders during his trip discussing the role they would play after the U.S. reorganization. The planned territory would stretch east from what is now Jordan through the present nation of Afghanistan. Iran, which is scheduled for conquest before the end of 2010, is to be included in the new U.S. territory

Obama, speaking to the Israeli people, announced “a new era of peace for Israel” brought about by the new U.S. territory. “Right now, we are neighbors here,” proclaimed Obama gesturing to his heart, “but soon we will be neighbors in fact!” The crowd, numbering over 10,000, erupted in heartfelt applause for the heir-apparent to the American crown.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Washington News In Brief

McCain Promises to Break Fewer Promises

Report by Bill Parker, NC Chapter

Shocked by the revelation that the citizenry is tired of the empty promises issued by politicians during every election cycle, presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain issued a statement to reassure voters. “Voters should rest easy knowing that I, if elected, promise to break fewer promises than Mr. Obama would have if he were elected.” McCain, continued by adding , “... and that is a promise you can bank on.”

Congress to Regulate the Labeling of Hot Dogs

Report by Walter Jones, OH Chapter

Succumbing to pressure from pro-decency groups, Congress, under the guise of the Commerce Clause, is considering a Bill that would prohibit hot dog producers from using the term “wiener” for product identification. Tasha Johnson, a spokesperson for the decency lobby, attacked the label “wiener” as phallic slang and hurtful to any woman who has ever consumed a hot dog. Because of the synonymous nature that “hot dog”, “frank”, and “tube steak” also share with male genitalia, those terms will likely be banned as well, according to a Capital Hill source. Johnson and her group have suggested the named “intestine encased meat and/or meat byproduct product” to be substituted for the offensive labels currently used.

Obama “Deeply Committed” to Almost Everything

Report by Sabrina Kerr, MO Chapter

White House Contender Barack Obama announced today, amidst concerns from some voters that he wasn’t concerned about particular issues, that he was “deeply committed to whatever issue anybody thinks is important.” Conversely, Obama also stated, “I am equally uncommitted to any issue that any citizen deems unimportant.” The Democratic nominee clarified his stance by saying, “Basically, I’m deeply committed to being deeply committed to issues that voters believe I should be deeply committed to.”

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Obama Promises Pockets in Underwear

Report by Frederick Tanner, MI Chapter

Democratic White House Hopeful Barack Obama, at a rally today, promised Americans “A chicken in every pot and a pocket in every pair of underwear” if elected. The promise comes following poll results showing Americans are worried about being able to provide decent meals for their families in the face of economic woes, and also that citizens want the government to provide them with new gadgets to make their lives easier. Obama addressed the latter concern rhetorically by asking, “... after all, what could be handier than a pocket in your underwear?” Obama said that he would sign an executive order, within minutes of being sworn in, requiring that all underwear bought and sold in the United States be fitted with convenient little pockets.

Friday, July 18, 2008

S.F. to Dedicate Sewer to Bush

Report by Brenda Hanson, CA Chapter

In an effort to celebrate the Presidency of George W. Bush, San Francisco, California is considering a ballot measure that would rename a local sewage treatment center the George W. Bush Sewage Plant. Area resident, Bill Trainer, created a graph (depicted below) showing key similarities between Bush’s standard system of information dissemination and an actual sewage plant. Trainer called Bush’s presidency a “modern marvel which could only be celebrated adequately through the dedication of the treatment plant.” San Francisco mayor, Gavin Newsom applauded the measure, declaring that there is “no more fitting memorial to the Bush Administration.” San Francisco area residents will decide the issue by ballot in November.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Citzens Now Subject to Waterboarding

Report by Jen Perkins, WA Chapter

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft testified before a Congressional Committee assigned to study the use of “advanced interrogation techniques” Thursday regarding the benefits of waterboarding. With the overwhelming success of waterboarding during the interrogations of enemy combatants, many domestic law enforcement agencies are adopting the strategy on citizen detainees. Waterboarding, a controversial interrogation tool utilized as early as the Spanish Inquisition and more recently by the CIA, has been approved by the U.S. Department of Justice for use by all domestic and foreign law enforcement agencies. Ashcroft defended the technique as a “valuable tool which does not constitute torture.”

Dorothy Allbaugh, a resident of Union Missouri, was subjected to waterboarding two weeks ago after being arrested for shoplifting. Local police officers, on a hunch that Allbaugh had shoplifted on previous occasions, strapped the suspect to a bench, lifted her dress up to cover her face, and poured an estimated five gallons of water over her mouth and nose. Allbaugh responded to the tactic by confessing to 35 previous criminal acts, and countless other acts that, while not technically illegal, were certainly morally detestable. Allbaugh was charged with each of the confessed crimes, and is now facing 150 years in prison and fines of over $47 million. Union Police Chief Martin Polock hailed the results as “proof positive” that waterboarding works. Coincidentally, Allbaugh is now claiming that she made up the confessed crimes believing that she was drowning to death, and was willing to say whatever she thought the officers wanted to hear to get them to stop the “torture”.

DHS Green-lights Lawyer Hunt

Report by Rich Reynolds, AL Chapter

Amidst protests from lawyers and attorney rights advocates, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced Wednesday that a country-wide lawyer management plan will be put into effect later this year to combat what it calls a “significant domestic threat.” The management plan is designed to facilitate a stabilization of the dangerously overpopulated lawyer herd, then gradually adjust populations downward to an acceptable range for the social and environmental conditions of a given area, or “management unit.”

Terry Thrash, an attorney practicing in Waunakee, Wisconsin responded to news of the plan by uttering a string of horror induced expletives. Bill White, a partner of Thrash at the law firm of Porter, White, and Thrash, decried the brutality of the plan, though conceding that even he knew a few lawyers who would better serve humanity by dying a slow, painful death.

Current lawyer populations throughout the United States are at an all-time historical high, with an upward trend continuing. Only in rural New Mexico is the lawyer population currently stable, according to government experts. “Environmental analysis and social research suggest that current lawyer populations are too high in nearly every section of the country,” reported DHS spokesperson Burke Franklin, “and the immediate implementation the management plan is necessary to avert even greater negative impacts than those already being experienced.”

The DHS plan, to be activated in September, calls for multiple management units in each state, based upon attorney population levels. In order to manage the harvesting of attorneys, citizens must apply for a lawyer permit. The number of permits issued will vary amongst management units, according to the saturation of attorneys therein. Each lawyer harvested must be tagged and taken to a registration site for safe disposal.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

InBev to Buy Budweiser, McCain

Report by Stan Lawrence, MO Chapter

The Belgian Brewing giant, InBev, announced it’s plans to take control of Anheuser-Busch (A-B) at a cost of $52 billion, creating the largest beer producing conglomerate in the world. 
Negotiations for the deal, which were attended by A-B heiress and wife of White House hopeful John McCain, Cindy McCain, were reportedly at a stand still until Mrs. McCain offered to sweeten the deal by including a controlling share in her husband. Through Mrs. McCain’s interest in A-B, the McCain’s stand to gain nearly $5 billion upon the close of the InBev deal and $20 billion more via eventual inheritance.

A spokesperson for InBev, on the condition of anonymity, praised the deal by noting that InBev stands to recover most of the additional purchase price paid for McCain over the next four years, through tax breaks that McCain could secure for them as a U.S. Senator, “imagine how profitable it will be for InBev if McCain actually wins the Presidency!” The InBev - A-B deal had stalled at a price of $45 billion prior to Mrs. McCain’s offer, indicating that InBev valued control of Sen. McCain at roughly $7 billion. If that estimate is correct, McCain’s price sets a new record for money paid for a nominee for President, beating Haliburton’s 2000 purchase of George W. Bush by almost $1 billion.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan (1998)

The AoE has been engaging in hard-hitting political journalism since 1989. Check out past issues like this at the bottom of the page: July 4, 1998 AoE Newsletter Article exposed how former senior advisor’s career may have been advanced by a pact with the Devil. 

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan

Report by Renee Higginbottom, OR Chapter

Recent reports indicate that George Stephanopoulis, former senior advisor to Clinton and current commentator for ABC News, is in league with the Prince of Darkness. Speculation about Stephanopoulis’ relationship with the Father of Lies has existed for several years. Though his obvious lack of talent alone wouldn’t preclude a successful political career, when combined with his displeasing physical appearance, lack of charisma, and persistent body odor make any other explanation for his success impossible.

George’s satanic pact had been mere rumor for several years, but in recent months, evidence has surfaced that substantiates the claim. In March, an unnamed White House source reported that Stephanopoulis and Satan held a joint meeting with Clinton and the First Lady. In April, an ABC staffer overheard George and the Devil arguing over what sounded like the eternal condition of George’s soul. Further, in June, George was caught making what appeared to be a blood sacrifice to to his Lord, Lucifer.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Capital Hill Rocked by Insect Porn Bust

Report by Hal Severson, WI Chapter

Late Saturday, federal agents raided the offices of fourteen House and Senate members following a two year investigation focusing on illegal insect pornography. The investigation implicated over 200 suspects including fourteen current members of Congress including Rep. Jason Altmire (D-PA), Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), Rep. Henry “Hank” Johnson (D-GA), Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO), and Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV). FBI agents assigned to the Insect Porn Task Force (IPTF) seized 118 computers from sitting congresspersons.

The IPTF estimates that the insect pornography industry is a $10 billion dollar a year industry that reaches into nearly every facet of the American sociosphere. Because of the psychological damage suffered by bugs forced to participate in the lewd acts depicted in insect pornography, the publication, distribution, and consumption of insect pornography is prohibited by the USA Patriot Act, and violators are classified as ‘enemy combatants’ under federal law.

Paul Foster, a lawyer for the Dept. of Justice, condemned the Congresspersons’ prurient interest in insects and noted that the raid unearthed evidence that a few Congresspersons, including Bart Gordon (D-TN) and Jeff Flake (R-AZ), also dabbled in reptilian and rodent pornography as well.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Britney Spears Stumps for McCain, Leaves Kids in Car

Report by Edith McPherson, MT Chapter

Troubled mother and pop diva Britney Spears lent her support to Republican White House hopeful John McCain at a rally Thursday morning at the expense of her children. Spears attended the rally looking chic in an orange and yellow number that prominently displayed her toned midriff, and tight black jeans. The pop star, though looking fabulous, clearly showed why former husband Kevin Federline has primary custody of their children. While Britney took the stage waving an inadvertently upside-down McCain sign, her two young children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, languished in the backseat of her Mercedes-Benz CL Class.

Though Sen. McCain introduced Spears as “a patriot and inspiration to young people” at the rally, Federline responded to her leaving the kids in the cars by saying Britney was an “unscrupulous whore and an embarrassment to her children and celebrities in general.” Following the rally, the children were treated minor heat exhaustion and returned to the care of their father.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Rev. Jackson Threatens Obama’s Manhood

Report by Kris Stenler, LA Chapter

Following an interview today on Fox News, Rainbow Coalition founder, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, made a derogatory comment aimed at Sen. Barack Obama which was inadvertently picked up by a microphone. The content of that remark did not bode well for Obama’s reproductive capacity. Jackson, though supportive of Obama’s campaign, would nonetheless like to “cut [the Democratic candidate’s] nuts out.” When pressed further on the issue, Jackson clarified by saying, “I misspoke, while it is my wish for Barack to be castrated, I didn’t necessarily mean that it would be me doing it or even that it be done with a sharp object. Any person using any method by which sever the offending anatomy will suffice.” Jackson went on to describe various acceptable methods, such as “ripping off”, “crushing with a vice”, inserting into various devices such as a “blender or woodchipper”, or “simply nipping off with a hedge trimmer.”

A spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Eunuchs (NAAE), condemned, in a rather high-pitched voice, Jackson’s statements, saying that “such careless statements regarding testicle removal subjects an entire class of testosterone deficient men to greater scrutiny and discrimination.” The Obama campaign could not be reached for comment, although an unnamed Secret Service agent assigned to Obama reported that new security measures would be put into place to combat the threat, saying, “the Senator will be wearing a cup.”

Obama and Clinton Mix Business, Pleasure

Report by John Parish, VT Chapter

Presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama was discovered yesterday sharing a remote Vermont cabin with former rival Sen. Hilary Clinton. Though Obama insisted that the “meeting” was purely professional, pictures taken by a local resident indicate otherwise. “Senator Clinton and I spent the afternoon and evening engaged in a study of the firing of missiles, nothing more,” defended Obama. Clinton, who was on hand, quickly interjected, “Iran’s missiles, we were exploring Iran’s missile capabilities, just Iran’s missiles, no other missiles were explored.”

While unclear why Sen. Obama felt it necessary to take a private meeting with the former First Lady in a remote cabin in Vermont to discuss Iran’s military strength, Obama came away from the meeting with a tough new stance against Iran. "Iran is a great threat. We have to make sure we are working with our allies to apply tightened pressure on Iran,” commented the Democratic nominee. Speculation swirled that during the rendezvous, Clinton’s ability to about-face on the issue of military force in the Middle East must have rubbed off on Obama, following his statement that, “The U.S. must address Iran’s recent missile testing as a direct threat against our nation’s security and take whatever steps are necessary to alleviate that threat.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Candidates Sport Nascar Style Jackets

Report by Rick Talbert, AL Chapter

It is no secret that, in the modern political arena, corporations are seeking increasingly more from candidates in exchange for campaign contributions. Never has this phenomenon been more apparent than in the present Presidential contest. White House hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama, at the request of corporate donors, ripped a page from the Nascar marketing playbook and began this week’s stumping by each wearing sporty jackets covered in corporate logos.

The move not only grants added brand name recognition to corporate donors, but also gives the candidates a legal loophole for accepting significant sums from corporations. It has been the tradition of candidates to accept cash bribes “under the table” or some other form of illicit inducement from big business for years. By displaying corporate logos, candidates find themselves on par with professional athletes who get paid to don certain athletic apparel. In exchange, corporations can deduct the money paid for a spot on the jacket as an “advertising expense.”

Brian Dorr, a lobbyist for the tobacco industry, called the new strategy a “win-win” for candidates and corporations. “Candidates can avoid legal hurdles, and put the money straight into their personal accounts, and businesses can account for the expenditures as a legitimate expense ... and write it off.” Dorr continued, “It business as usual, but now it’s legal!”

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”

Friday, July 4, 2008

Founding Fathers Return from Grave, Pissed


Independence Day Special Report by Mirton Howard, DC Chapter

A small but incredibly irritated group of America’s Founding Fathers returned from the grave today on this 232nd anniversary of our nation’s birth. The emissaries from the Great Beyond reportedly started the day by throwing a blanket party for current President George W. Bush. A White House source revealed that Bush awoke from a drunken stupor with the help of four undead figures pinning the President to his bed with his blanket, while four others repeatedly beat Bush with tube socks full of spare change; all-the-while the deceased dignitaries loudly belittled the Commander-in-Chief for his role in trampling the U.S. Constitution underfoot. 

The coterie of living-impaired Founders, which included George Washington, Thomas Paine, and John Hancock held a press conference on the steps of the Nation’s Capital, mid-morning, shortly after giving Bush a thorough ass-whipping. Revolutionary Statesman Patrick Henry, of “Give me liberty or give me death” fame, told the gathered crowd, “When the Constitution was first presented, I thought it gave the central Government too much power, yet never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you idiots would let the Federal boys completely shut out the states. What the hell were you thinking when you passed the 17th Amendment?” Former President James Madison interjected by saying, “I thought we were pretty clear about granting power to the States, and separately to the People in the 10th Amendment. How do you expect States to protect that granted power if they, as a singular entity, don’t have a voice in Washington? ... Morons!” 

Sons of Liberty founder Samuel Adams continued the discourse by questioning if anyone had heard the axiom “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Adams continued by wondering aloud, “Why would anybody vote to ratify an amendment giving the Federal Government more power ... it’s like you want them to be more corrupt ... congratulations you succeeded!” Adams finished by admonishing the citizenry, “I don’t know what you poor stupid bastards are being taught in school these days, but your obvious ignorance is destroying the country me and the boys here worked so hard to establish!”

Following more commentary on various constitutional issues currently facing the country, such as the government’s abuse of citizen’s fundamental rights, and the extraordinary exploitation of the Commerce Clause, Thomas Jefferson reminded the audience what he said long ago about watering the tree of liberty. Benjamin Franklin closed the press conference by telling the onlookers, “We’ll be back in a couple years, get your [excrement] together!”