Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tiger, Shamed from Golf, Announces Senate Bid

Report by Dexter Haines, MN Chapter

In a surprise turn of events Wednesday, Golf Superstar Tiger Woods announced that he would seek the Senate seat of retiring U.S Senator Mel Martinez.  The election to replace the one-term Senator from Florida currently has Gov. Charlie Crist leading in the Republican primary and he seems to be a shoe in over the lagging Democrat contenders.  Woods believes he can add a little oil to the fire and heat up the contest.  “I’ve got something that at least half of Floridians want,” challenged Tiger, “and I’m ready to put it out there for everyone to see.”  If alleged reports of video footage of Woods in action are true, everyone will be able to see it very soon.

Many pundits are questioning the timing of the announcement.  Woods is the center of bizarre sex scandal involving at least 14 different women, waitresses, models, hookers, and porn stars, that is threatening to destroy his marriage.  Says Woods, “The golf world, and my wife, aren’t ready for a sexual deviant like me, but the political landscape is my natural habitat baby!”  Perhaps Tiger is right considering the likes of Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, and John Ensign.  America seems to embrace moral bankruptcy in its leaders to the point that it is almost a requirement for office.

Tiger says he’s excited about a future in politics.  “Politics and sex go hand in hand.  I used to think that way about golf ... I was always trying to get it in the hole, on the course and off.  My dedication is what put me on top.  What separated me from other golfers is that other golfers like Phil Mickelson had to beg his wife, I was out taking it at every corner.”  Woods pointed to rumors that sex is often a tool utilized in DC to influence votes.  “I’ve heard that Barney Frank used to take one for the team and meet Larry Craig in a bathroom stall if there was an important vote coming to the floor, and it’s common knowledge the Nancy [Pelosi] routinely trades sex for votes in the House.”  Tiger continued by saying, “That’s the kind of competitor I am, and will be in the Senate;  willing to let it all hang out, and do who it takes to service the people of the Great State of Florida.”

Still undecided whether to run as a Republican or a Democrat, Tiger says he’s being courted by both sides.  “Both parties have provided excellent role models over the years and who can say who’s better.  I’m evaluating the situation, and I’ll make my decision based upon which party seems best able to get me into office.  The main thing is getting elected to be apart of the big sweaty orgy that is the US Congress.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gore: Global Warming to Blame for Erections Lasting Longer than 4 Hours

Report by Bub Johanson, FL Chapter

Former Vice President and self-styled environmental activist Al Gore attended a recent climate change conference in Copenhagen where he rebutted reports of fraud and data manipulation amongst global warming scientists.  Gore, whose own film, An Inconvenient Truth, has been the target of controversy in European Courts because of inaccuracies and exaggerations in the documentary, announced that “global warming is too important an issue to be hemmed in by truth and honesty because of its dire effects on erections.”  Gore sited data provided by Britain’s Climate Research Unit (BCRU) which indicated a link between dangerously long lasting erections and rising global temperatures; however source data would not be released by BCRU, which released a statement saying, “you’ll just have to trust on this.”

Gore was joined at the conference by Stanford Professor Stephen Schneider (pictured here with Al and Tipper Gore) who instead of trying to defend against questions about the BCRU Climategate scandal simply had those who questioned the veracity of BCRU data arrested by UN security.

Congress to Approve $2 Trillion Increase in National Debt

Report by Harrison Davies, SC Chapter

House and Senate Democrats proposed a plan last week that would allow the government to go into as much as $14 trillion in debt.  The plan would permit our government to spend the money that they already spent this year on such failed schemes as TARP, Cash for Clunkers, and the so-called Economic Recovery Act.  When asked if any thought was given to borrowing and spending money that Federal Law forbade them to spend prior to enacting new increased debt limits, Sen Max Baucus (D-MT) replied, “I’m pretty sure Federal Laws don’t apply to us.”

Concern has been voiced by virtually every credible economist that the current levels of spending and borrowing will have devastating long-term effects on our nation and the economic well-being of our citizens.  “Seriously, the U.S. is set to default on $1 Trillion in debt, and our elected officials are proposing spending billions upon billions more on government-run health care and another economic stimulus package,” grumbled economist Steven Lobenstein, “how stupid can lawmakers be?”  

In response to the Congressional Democrats’ plan, the National Economist Council (NEC) proposed a new sign to designate the location of Congress in Washington DC.  Fashioned after signs used to point travelers to libraries around the country, the NEC is proposing that the signs (pictured right) be distributed around the nation’s capital so that tourists will easily be able to locate “the place were such asinine decisions are being made.”

Monday, November 16, 2009

New Civics Curriculum Mandated by Education Dept.

Report by Leon Atherton, UT Chapter

Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced Monday that a new course will be offered at all schools across America, including home schools, effective fall of 2010.  The Federal mandate, or “initiative” as it is being called by Duncan will “tackle the new issues faced by our evolving society.”  Although the United Educators Association (UEA) support the mandate, many educators, including homeschooling families, claim a strong liberal bias.  Secretary Duncan (picture left with the world biggest douche bag) defended the new curriculum by saying, “This new course will inform students of current issues and help defray the effects of outdated and fallacious accounts of other forms of government propagated in decades past.  In short, it will prepare future decision makers to embrace the new direction that the evolved members of our American society is currently embracing rather than the antiquated ideas of segregation, Christianity, and individualism.”

The textbook (pictured right) for the course, which has been produced by Duncan’s Education Department, has been released to educators to preview for the upcoming school year.  Among the features that have some educators and almost all homeschooling families outraged, is a fold-out poster (pictured left) which must be displayed in a prominent place in the room used for educating students.  Says Emily Steinmetz, a homeschooling mother from Ohio, “I’m being forced to promote a system of government, in my home, that opposes religious worship.  Further the textbook itself vilifies Christian tenets as hateful and wrong.”  A public educator from Banger, Maine, who wished to remain anonymous to protect his job, decried the new course saying, “This is just a thin veiled attempt to brainwash our children into accepting the liberal agenda and destroy the Christian, Capitalist, and Individualist foundations of our nation.”

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Senator Webb on Snack Cake Sex

Report by Felix Masterson, WA Chapter

Fresh off the heels of his successful Kama Sutra for the Obese, Senator Jim Webb  (D-VA) is set to release his second sex-help book, this time focusing on snack cake copulation.  The self-described “self-taught sexpert” Webb was not surprised by the reception his first Kama Sutra book enjoyed.  “Everybody likes sex, but not everyone can enjoy the tawdry positions described in the original Kama Sutra.  Let’s face it, not everyone is a skinny Indian.”  While Webb’s first guide focused as much on the sturdy apparatus needed to accomplish the difficult sexual positions as the positions themselves, a sex guide for snack cakes provided a new array of challenges.

“Snack cakes are unlike fat people in many ways,” explain Senator Webb.  “For one, they don’t have skin, they have either a cake-like exterior shell, or are often covered in a perservative-rich frosting.  Compounding the problem, is the constant danger of their cream-filled goodness being squeezed out prematurely if the snack cake is twisted or pressure applied incorrectly.”  Webb dedicated the book to the many brave snowballs, twinkies, ho ho’s, ding dongs, and fruit pies who were injured in the course of research done for the book.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who provided the forward for the book and who has had, according to tabloids, a long running affair with snack cake icon Twinkie the Kid, called the work a “long awaited resource for a sadly neglected minority.”

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Weak Economy Forces US Porn Industry to Outsource

Report by Gino Rossi, CA Chapter

While many Americans are feeling the crunch of the recession, adult film stars are being double teamed by the economy and foreign competition.  In a time when entertainment dollars are scarce, US consumers are spending less on quality American pornography.  This trend has forced smut producers to outsource, using foreign actors for jobs, hand and otherwise, formerly performed by domestic entertainers.  Oftentimes, entire scenes and particular types of shots are filmed outside the US where actors make only two dollars an hour.  Vinny Vinci of Elite Production explained, “We can film an orgy for less than a hundred bucks in Thailand or Bolivia, whereas the same scene may cost $25,000 here.  With connoisseurs purchasing less porn lately, we have had to make hard choices to stay afloat.”

In response to the shafting american porn actors are receiving from their foreign counterparts, many adult entertainers are taking to the street to protest the outsourcing.  Recently a group picketed outside a Los Angeles porn outlet to encourage patrons to choose only homegrown smut.  Harry Longshank, an 18 year-old porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa has been evicted from his $400 per month studio apartment and forced to live out of his van because of the outsourcing.  “I used to make over $3000 performing in 50-60 adult films each month,” reported Longshank, “now I’m back to [gratifying] members of boy bands in back alleys for 20 bucks and a ticket to the show.”  Though most adult entertainers are put out, a few out-of-work actors are able to see the silver lining.  Tiffany Sparkle, who is pictured here holding a sign indication that foreign porn is Unamerican, offered, “at least with Obama’s new health care plan, I’ll be able to get my AIDS meds for free.”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Reid, Pelosi Promote Plan to Cut Medicare, SSI Costs

Report by Annette Ferguson, IN Chapter

Touted as a “bi-cameral” effort to reduce the burden placed on working Americans by the elderly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed Tuesday to implement a nationwide campaign to encourage suicide amongst the senior citizen community.  Pelosi addressed concerns over the plan by citing data that indicates the cost of caring for the elderly could reach four billion dollars annually by 2050.  “Between Medicare and Social Security, the US Government spends an average of $62,728.00 per year per retiree,” said Pelosi, “If the current trend continues, by 2050 21% of our population will be comprised of citizens over the age of 65.”  Reid continued the scenario by adding, “21% of the population in 2050 will amount to 63 million unproductive people draining the wallets of working Americans.  With the rising costs of healthcare, supporting our seniors could amount to half the annual national budget!”

The proposed campaign will utilize print, radio, and TV ads aimed at inspiring elderly citizens to shoot themselves, overdose, or otherwise end their meaningless lives.  Slogans such as “You lived for America, now it’s time to die for America”, “Take one for the team”, “Don’t be remembered as a burden”, and “Be a hero to the next generation, a dead hero”, will be used to convey the message.  In addition, Reid and Pelosi presented posters featuring familiar faces such as Uncle Sam and Smokey the Bear to bring life to the plan.  The White House issued a statement earlier today commending Pelosi and Reid and promising to “use every tool” at the President’s disposal to “fast track” the proposal.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Obama Reveals Source of His Boundless Energy

Report by Stacie Long, NJ Chapter

For months now, President Barack Obama has displayed the vigor and energy of a high school football star on prom night.  Obama has appeared limitless in his first six months at the American helm, utilizing a sympathetic Democratic Congress to maximize progress on a Socialist agenda.  Obama’s success has been so widespread that rumors of meth use have been proffered as the only explanation for his ability to get so much done.  In response to the whispers of drug use, the President has come forward and disclosed the wellspring of vivacity.

As it turns out, the methylxanthines, infusions of vitamins and herbs, and the natural stimulants found in guarana, acai, taurine, ginseng, inositol, carnitine, creatine, and guarana included in every can of Hugh Hefner’s new Playboy brand energy drink is the key to Obama’s success.  President Obama, pictured here outside the Playboy Mansion with porn mogul Hugh Hefner, told reporters, “the unique blend of vitamins and natural stimulants is not only delicious but the 15 to 20 cans of Playboy brand energy drink I consume daily keep my mind and body running at the peak levels necessary to attain the success I’ve enjoyed during my Presidency.  Without Hef’s veritable fountain of energy, I could never have hoped to single-handedly pull our nation’s economy back from the brink of disaster!”

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

ObamaCare To Promote Self-Medication, Suicide

Report by Janet Pennington-Davis, NY Chapter

President Barack Obama, who recently credited himself for “pulling our economy back from the brink” went on national television last week to plug a nationalized healthcare bill which many are calling ObamaCare.  Though neither the President nor any member of Congress have yet read the massive bill, Obama and key Democrats in both Houses are pushing passage of the bill before the American public has an opportunity to find out what is actually included in the healthcare plan.

Despite falling approval ratings prompted by rising unemployment and exploding national deficits, the President has taken up the task of producing a deal on the healthcare legislation that, if passed, will make substantial changes in the way Americans experience health care.  For instance, the bill mandates that doctors encourage patients suffering with depression to “self-medicate” with alcohol in order to keep medication costs down.  In a speech to the Senate on Monday, Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the self-medication provision as a “win-win for the American taxpayer.  Not only will taxpayers not have to pay for depressed people’s drugs, we will see higher tax revenue from increased sales of alcohol!”

An even more surprising aspect of the President’s healthcare plan is the promotion of assisted suicide for chronically ill patients.  In his address to the nation, Obama responded to a question about this controversial issue by saying, “With my plan, there will be a reduction in the number of sick people.  Assisted suicide is just one tool that will help us reach that goal, and fewer sick people is good thing.”

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Democrats Shocked to Learn Obama is White

Report by Sean Jensen, CT Chapter

Rich White Democrats across the country are bewildered, distraught, and even angry today upon learning from that President Barack Obama is actually White.  The Internet media outlet released shocking pictures this morning of Barack Obama frolicking on a beach with a portion of his lily white ass exposed.  The pictures, which TMZ has reportedly been in possession of for nearly a year, were released after Obama FCC appointee Michael Copps‘s recent proposal that the Federal Government regulate the content of media in all forms, including blogs and internet outlets, to ensure “positive, responsible, news and information.”

The pictures expose the fraud perpetrated on the American citizenry by Barack Obama, whom many rich White Democrats voted for to assuage their White guilt.  I would have followed Obama to his grave,” stated a furious Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “because it made me feel better about being rich and White.”  Ann Francis, a White Connecticut volunteer coordinator felt bamboozled by the revelation. “I vote for Obama because I grew up surrounded by Whites in an upscale neighborhood, I didn’t even meet an African American person until I was 23.” Francis wondered, “since Obama is White, and I therefore didn’t actually vote for an Afro-American, does this mean I’m still a racist?”  

The Obama Administration issued a statement saying only that “President Obama has never actually claimed to be Black” and that “any attempts to construe this information as deceit on the President’s part is only evidence of a Conservative media bias, the type of which would be addressed by Mr. Copps’s proposed regulation of media, which is why it is so vital that such regulations be passed as quickly as possible.”  The Rev. Al Sharpton responded to the news by saying, “It figures that the only way a Black man can get elected in this country is by being White!” 

Sunday, July 19, 2009

AoE Lookback: The Beginning

Featured Content by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Publications Officer

The Army of Epiphenomenon was started in 1980 by a group of young, militant nogoodniks. The youths, having become disillusioned by the educational system that the government was providing “free of charge,” left high school and their small rural town in Southwestern Utah to search the hills surrounding Parowan, Utah for a militia to join. The area they chose seemed to be the ideal place to find a band of camouflage clad, gun toting hillbillies that shared the boys’ negative view of the ever-enlarging Federal Government. The young men chose well, for those very hills were indeed crawling with unwashed militiamen, but for as much as the AoE’s founders wanted to be apart of a militia, the Parowan militiamen were equally adamant about the boys getting “the hell out these dadgum hills.” And left they did, before the hillbillies “sent them back to Uncle Sam with their asses full of lead.”

It seemed that for all their angst, they were missing, or rather not missing, an essential characteristic necessary for membership in a militia; that, of course, being teeth. Unfortunately for the boys, they had grown up accustom to brushing two to three times a day. While each of them had their own specific routine, they could all agree that a good brushing consisted of up and down strokes, back and forth strokes, and certainly a fair bit of circular motion cresting and dipping at the respective gum lines. It must have been quite a shock for the Parowan militiamen to see three sets of brilliantly white gleaming teeth reflecting the horror that was the rot and decay of the hillbillies’ mouths. Perhaps it was jealousy or simply mistrust of those with clean, healthy teeth, but whatever the case, it seemed to be a pandemic of militiamen in rural places across this great land. 

The boys left Parowan in search of another militia to call their own, but every time they came across another militia, the response was the same. The greetings from the militiamen they encountered on their quest ranged from simple hostility to hellish rage. After one such encounter, the boys spent a week picking bird shot from one another’s buttocks. At one point, the boys even considered pulling a few of their own teeth and taking a few days off from brushing; but in the end, reason prevailed and they decided against defacing the teeth they had spent so many years caring for and polishing to perfection.

These young men, the outcasts of outcasts as they were, were left with only one way to release their pent up aggression; that of course being to start their own militia. Their militia was to be the militia for the rest of us, those with good teeth and bad teeth alike, hapless layabouts, and even those with college learning. In 1980, these three brave young men started, what truly was, the anti-militia militia.

To this day we still hold true to the vision of Barnaby Jensen, Dixie Larkin, and Frank Stahlie. We hold fast to the belief that good dental hygiene should be rewarded, not despised. We believe that the government is too large and too flippant with their destruction of the Bill of Rights. We look to the past to seek wisdom for facing the future, and we stand ready, toothbrushes and all, to defend the spirit that guided the foundation of this once great county.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Perez Hilton to Regulate Bloggers

Report by Antonio Soto, TX Chapter

[Editor’s Note: In an effort to abide by newly appointed Blogosphere Czar, Perez Hilton’s recent mandate that any blog articles that might be construed as “hate speech, such as racist, homophobic, and/or psuedo-puritanical Conservative bull[crap] must include an opportunity for response by an individual who voted for and supports the heroic efforts of President Barack Obama,” the AoE invited comedian and liberal political activist Janeane Garofalo to provide such a response.]

Just minutes after President Obama named gossip queen, Perez Hilton, to the newly created post of Blogosphere Czar, Hilton, who garnered national attention for his politically motivated question to Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean about gay marriage, announced that “the fairness doctrine would be applied to blogs to correct an ongoing problem of conservative bias with hundreds of the millions of blogs originating within the United States.”  Hilton, who continued by slapping his own ass and making an obscene gesture with his fingers, shouted, “I’m going to shut you ignorant, queer-hating, bee-itches down.”  

Garofalo:  “Here’s a better headline: ‘George Bush is an idiot!’” 

While many politically conservative and independent bloggers were alarmed by the news that blog content would now be regulated by an individual who clearly opposes any statements that are not consistent with an extremely liberal platform, President Obama reassured the public by saying, “Miss ... ter Hilton has shown courage and integrity through ... [indecipherable] use of electronic media, ... this individual, I believe, embodies the experience and character to guide this nation’s bloggers into a new electronic era.”

Garofalo:  “George W. Bush makes Perez Hilton look like a [fornicating] genius!”

According to Obama’s Executive Order 13512 which created the Blogosphere Czar position, Hilton may now promulgate any regulations upon bloggers that he sees fit “in order to ensure domestic tranquility and positive dialog via electronic media.”  Such an open-ended mandate allows Hilton to restrict what he called, “the ignorant, subversive ramblings of the Right,” despite calls from many bloggers that such restrictions and regulations will violate their Constitutional Freedom of Speech.

Garofalo:  “If stupidity is protected by the Constitution, then we should get rid of it ...”

[Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her insightful and eloquent responses.]

Monday, July 13, 2009

Order of the Epiphenomenon Accepting New Members

Announcement by Dixie Larkin, AoE Founding Member

Attention Cadets!

The Order of the Epiphenomenon (OOTE), the exclusive secret society of the Army of Epiphenomenon, is opening its private doors to 250 new recruits this year to celebrate 10 years since the inception of the OOTE.  This is an excellent opportunity for AoE members to ante up and join the select few who have dedicated their lives to upholding freedom and liberty by exposing and otherwise fighting the tyranny wrought by the evil Progressive/Neocons who hold this country in their dastardly clutches.

For just $250.00 (US), AoE members can apply for membership to the OOTE.  Successful applicants will receive this handsome patch (right) to adorn their favorite article of clothing, a complimentary one year subscription to the Official Semi-Sporadic AoE Newsletter which includes articles and commentary not available via the Official AoE Website, and dinner for two at the Order of the Epiphenomenon 10 year Gala, to be held in October at an undisclosed location.  All of this, plus myriad OOTE benefits that cannot be revealed here, because, after all, it is a secret society.

Those wishing to apply to the Order of the Epiphenomenon should use the email icon (top left) and put “OOTE Recruitment” in the subject line.  Each email should include:

Your name and contact information

How long you’ve been a member of the AoE and to which Chapter you belong

A brief essay (approx. 10,000 words) about why you should be admitted into the OOTE

Upon receipt of such an email, directions for submitting payment will be sent to you via return email, so please use an email address that you check often.  If you would rather receive correspondence via the USPS please indicate that in the email.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Administration to Apply Affirmative Action to Camping

Report by Gregg Childress, CO Chapter

Each year millions of Americans take to the great outdoors to enjoy a weekend of camping with friends and family. In the past, those millions of Americans have been almost exclusively White. President Obama, in a speech announcing the assent of former White House correspondent Helen Thomas to the newly created post of Camping Czar, said, “In this exciting new era of change, we must change how we view camping, and encourage people of all colors and creeds to explore and enjoy the vast opportunities camping has to offer. I believe Helen Thomas is just the person to guide this country into the new integrated camping millennium.

The 88 year-old Thomas, who has never actually done any camping herself, but has on several occasions been to Camp David to cover peace talks, announced that her first official act as Camping Czar would be to mandate that 10 percent of camping sites in every campground in the U.S. be reserved for minority campers. Campground operators across the country were outraged by the news, claiming it would cost them thousands each year in lost revenue as 9.99 percent of their campsites would remain vacant despite the demand by White campers.

Larry Smith, an avid White camper from Glenwood Springs, CO, complained, “There aren’t enough campsites as it is. Besides, camping and hockey are the only sports that Whites still dominate, so now what are [Whites] supposed to do during the summer?.” Other White campers such as David Newberger of Tennessee have already began thinking of ways around the upcoming regulation. “I know a guy that works with a Black guy,” said Newberger, “I’ll ask him if he can talk the Black guy into going camping with me. That way, I’ll get a campsite guaranteed!”

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Elementary School Memorializes Michael Jackson

Report by Sandra Moorehead, CA Chapter

An upscale private elementary school in Los Angeles changed it’s name over the weekend to honor the memory of the King of Pop.  Michael Jackson Memorial Elementary, formally Huffington Elementary, is a very exclusive K-6 school catering to mainly well-to-do White children from the Brentwood District of LA.  Jackson, who up until a few years ago, was fond of visiting the school.  The visits were a thrill for most of the students, although some, inexplicably, recoiled and hid whenever the pop star would arrive.  “Michael was great with the kids,” revealed Headmaster Sylvia Johnson-Vehdruara.  “He loved to help out with boys PE, teaching wrestling, and instructing the boys on the more intimate details of personal grooming in the locker room after activities.”

Monday morning before the start of classes, the school held a ribbon cutting ceremony, revealing a new school sign which reads, “Michael Jackson Memorial Elementary.  Touching Children One Life at a Time.”  Headmaster Johnson-Vehdruara spoke briefly, announcing, “In the spirit of our namesake (Jackson), we will focus on developing special relationships with children through one-on-one interaction.”

President Obama to Twitter Executive Orders

Report by Harold Nickelson, MA Chapter

In an effort to reach out to the American people, while at the same time promulgating an exhaustive list of upcoming Executive Orders, Barack Obama has decided to utilize the social networking tool Twitter to accomplish these goals.  Much like the sport of golf, which Obama plays in order to stay in touch with “the common people”, the President hopes that his use of Twitter will cement his relationship with the hardworking folk that make up the backbone of this country.

“Twitter is the new water cooler at the office,” said Obama (pictured left texting updates to Twitter) at recent press conference, “I want to stand around the water cooler with Jack and Jill Lunchpale, much as I stroll the fairways with them and share a firm slap on the ass after a birdie putt.”  This despite the fact that most middle and lower class workers neither Twitter nor can afford to play golf.

Among the first Executive Orders that Obama will be Twittering is E.O. 13510, which mandates that all Americans seeking to purchase a vehicle must at least test drive a new 2010 Chevy B.H.O. or GMC Hope prior to making a purchase.  Also, reports indicate that Obama will also be limiting blogs focused on cats as early as Monday of this week.  Obama’s Executive Orders can be followed at

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hate Crimes Spike as “Tolerant” Liberals Lash Out Against Christians

Report by Rev. Hank Halbrook, WI Chapter

While the national media is reporting a 53% increase in incidences of hate crimes this year, the fastest growing category of victims is being decidedly underreported.  Very often, crimes like the Colorado murder of Angie Zapata by Allen Ray Andrade who was shocked when he found male genitalia as he preparing to get his groove on, make the news, while attacks on Christian Fundamentalists goes unreported.  For instance, in March of this year, a group of vegan liberals attacked and killed a Christian immigrant hot dog vender in Columbus, Ohio; in April, a band of Gothic youths stormed a Christian youth group meeting in a church in Albany, NY, raping the girls and castrating the young males; In May, Abdulhakim Mujahid Muhammad, shot two Arkansas based Christian U.S. Army recruiters, killing one; earlier this month, a group of Young Democrats from the University of Utah burst into a student-led girls Bible Study and attempted to “beat the hate out of” a group young Evangelical college students.  Three of the eight college coeds were hospitalized from the attack.  In each of these cases, no mention was made by the national media.

In an era where many of the more radical politically left are demanding tolerance and diversity, increasingly, those same liberals are seemingly more inclined to use violence against Christian Conservatives to get their point across.  In a February incident, a group of liberal activists attacked an elderly church group involved in a peaceful hymn-sing.  The liberal youths were heard shouting “die you hate-mongering [expletives]!” and “Burn to Hell you close-minded, bigots!” as the senior citizens’ brittle bones were crushed beneath the torrent of young, liberal fists.  Despite the rhetoric spewed by the liberal national media about narrow-minded Conservative Christians being to blame for virtually all hate crimes, the incidents of hate crimes aimed at Christians has risen an astonishing 250 percent over this same time period just a year ago.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Florida: Tired of Being Called America’s Penis

Report by Floyd Davies, FL Chapter

Led by Florida Governor Charlie Crist, a bi-partisan coalition of Floridians has drawn a preverbal line in the sand.  That line stands for the end of phallic references to the shape of the Sunshine State.  Florida, which actually does roughly reflect the appearance of a flaccid wang, has long endured the ridicule that understandably accompanies its geography.  Crist, who ironically resembles a turgid male genitalia when standing, issued the following statement, “Florida will, from this day forward, no longer tolerate degrading references by other states concerning the unfortunate profile of our great state.  Henceforth, we should like to be thought of for all the wonders that we have to offer, like Disneyworld, the Everglades, and scores of retirees.

Despite the current rhetoric, Florida has a long history of embracing its appearance.  In 1850 a plan, which was never acted upon, was put forth by the State Senate which would have created dikes, similar to Holland’s, to increase the size of the panhandle, thus effectively creating a geographic scrotum to accompany the main body of the state.  In 1887, the Florida House of Representatives approved a bill that would have changed the state nickname from “The Sunshine State” to “The Manhood State”.  In fact, even Juan Ponce de Leon, the Spanish conquistador who gave Florida its name, privately referred to the land as “El Pene” or “The Penis” as translated into English.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Family Values No Longer Part of Official Republican Platform

Report by Aimee Johnson, GA Chapter

In response to numerous sex scandals - in particular, several recent public affairs by high ranking Republicans - the Republican National Committee (RNC) voted Thursday to remove “Family Values” from the official GOP platform. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman, in a speech to the Committee, urged his fellow Republicans to vote to end touting family values by saying, “If we ever want to get votes again, we must stop preaching about family values then inevitably turn around and bang our secretaries. We’re not going stop banging our secretaries, so our only realistic course of action is to stop espousing family values. In that way we won’t be hypocritical pigs, just pigs, and that’s like ... 50 percent better.”

Despite the family-oriented rhetoric of Republicans, GOP politicians provide easy fodder for tabloids and gossip columnists. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (seen here top-left describing how thin his Brazilian whore is) and Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) recently made headlines with their extramarital affairs. In just the past few years, former Congressman Mark Foley of Florida (pictured here on the right savoring the taste of a teenage boy), and former Senator Larry Craig of Idaho (caught here with snack cake industry lobbyist Twinkie the Kid) fell from grace for soliciting sex from boys and airport defecators respectively. Additionally, GOP activists such as Neal Horsley (sex with man and mule), Randal Ankeney (drugged and raped a 13 year old girl), and Parker J. Bena (possession of child porn) have revealed to America just how truly little GOP politicians really care about families and morality.

Former Speaker of the House, Republican icon Newt Gingrich, who has been guilty of several extramarital affairs, commented on the move by saying, “It’s good to see that the RNC is finally on the same page as Republican politicians.”

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

DHS Foils Terrorist Attack on Senators, Public Disappointed

Report by Heather D’Attano, WV Chapter

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) thwarted a plot by Islamic terrorists Monday that targeted the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington DC.  The Russell Senate Office Building, which sits just Northeast of the US Capital Building is home to, among others, Senators John McCain (R-AZ), John Kerry (D-MA), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and Chris Dodd (D-CT).  Although the terrorist attack had been carefully planned over the past two years, DHS just recently stumbled upon information of the plan last Friday when two DHS agents overheard four “bearded men” at a DC donut shop talking about “grenade launchers” and “infidel senators”.  

After reviewing myriad previous interdepartmental reports that apparently referred to the attack but had been dismissed as “harmless internet chatter”, the agents were able to piece together the date and time of siege on the Senate office building and the location of the weapons cache before the attack could take place.  Many Americans voiced disappointment that the plot was uncovered, fearing continued poor leadership in Washington.

Upon hearing the news, Albert Henneman, a drywall finisher from Toledo, Ohio stated, “Finally Islamic terrorists were trying to do some good for this country, and make amends for the 9/11 attacks ... good for them.”  Annette Willis, a homemaker from North Dakota, referring to the halted attack, said, “Our intelligence community can stop an attack on 40 Senators, but can’t be bothered to shoot down two airplanes set to end the lives of 3000 civilians.  Yeah that’s about right for our government.”  Bruce Hennoff, a Florida orange-grower stated, “... a couple dozen rocket propelled grenades headed straight up the [rear end] of those crooked sons of [female dogs] that call themselves ‘public servants’ ... [Deity] that would have been awesome!”

Washington DC police swat units cordoned off the block surrounding the Russell Senate Office Building all day Monday blocking all access to building.  Additional law enforcement units were enlisted to canvas the area to prevent any collateral attacks.  In all, fourteen foreigners have been picked up for questioning on suspicion of terrorism.  The men will likely be transfered to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility for a week’s stay before being released to their own countries in the Middle East. 

Friday, June 19, 2009

Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Obama Sells North Dakota to Rap Mogul

Report by Seth Eitner, NY Chapter

In an apparent effort to generate funds in the hope of halting the U.S. economic free fall, President Barack Obama, yesterday, authorized the sale of North Dakota to music icon Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Combs, formerly known as “Puff Daddy”, was awarded the State of North Dakota for what some consider to be a paltry $47 million.  Some opponents of the deal are upset because the deal was pushed through quickly without allowing other parties to bid on the state, while many North Dakota residents were understandably dismayed that the Federal Government would sell their state out from under them.  A group of over 300 North Dakotians protested the sale today outside the capital building in Bismark, chanting “Go to Hell. We’re not for sale” before being showered with rubber bullets by a hastily assembled interim army wearing a fashionable ensemble designed by Combs under the Sean John label.

Among the critics of the sale are celebrities Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, David Hasselhoff, and Willie Nelson.  “Yo, a deal like this should have been an auction open to the public,” said Jay-Z in response to the sale, “back room deals like this are precisely why Americans don’t trust the government.  Snoop Dogg agree with that sentiment by adding, “Fo’ Shizzle!”  Hasslehoff reportedly was interested in creating a “State of Inebriation”, while Nelson admitted he just wanted a place to smoke marijuana without being hassled.

Combs, in a statement released today, stated that the new nation would be called “Nubia” with himself ruling under the title “Grand Nubian” in the yet to be created capital city of Diddyopolis.  Rather than a representative democracy in the mold of the U.S., Nubia would have a “Parliament Funkadelic” and a Prime Minister type position called the “MC Prime”.  Although Diddy hasn’t settled on who he will appoint as the first MC Prime of Nubia, it is rumored that 50 Cent and Posdnuos from De La Soul are the top contenders for the post.  “The MC Prime will handle most of the day-to-day government [excrement],” announced Combs, “but I’ll being taking a decidedly more hands on role than that ol’ biddy in England.”  

President Obama called the deal a success saying, “Think of this as a real estate deal.  [The U.S.] bought the land from the Indians for a couple beads and now we’ve flipped it for $47 million.  Plus we don’t have to throw away any more stimulus money on that wasteland.”  When asked if it wouldn’t cost at least $47 million to replace the 50 star flags with 49 star flags, Obama indicated that he was considering making Puerto Rico a State to alleviate that expense.  “I’ve been to Puerto Rico and it’s beautiful, responded the President, “what’s North Dakota got? Dirt and snow, that what.  It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.