Sunday, June 29, 2008

Congress to Vote on Regulation of Toilet Usage

Report by Mitchell Fairbanks, KS Chapter

Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) announced plans to introduce legislation to the House on Monday that will “end the thoughtless and dangerous misuse and waste of our nation’s toilet paper supplies.” The proposed bill seeks to monitor individuals’ lavatory usage and dole out appropriate lengths of bathroom tissue. Stark indicated, in a press release, that Transnational Securities Inc. stands ready to begin mass production of its WasteWatch 2000 Home Bathroom Tissue Monitor/Dispenser upon passage of the bill.

Gene Spendlove, longtime friend of Pete Stark and a generous contributor to Stark’s recent campaigns, is the President and CEO of Transnational. Spendlove described the ease of use with which one can use the 
WasteWatch 2000, saying, “First the user presses his or her finger against the print reader and selects “1” or “2” depending on the impending function. After that, the user keys in the corresponding nine digit social security number. Following a quick cross reference of the fingerprint and SSN in a national database, assuming there is a match, the toilet seat unlocks and an appropriate number of tissue squares is released. Selecting “1” will release 2 squares, while choosing “2” will release 4 squares.” Spendlove continued his explanation thusly, “Once the job is complete, the user scans his or her fingerprint again, then selects the brown button to flush, or the yellow button to forgo the flush, at which time the toilet seat cover closes and locks.”

The WasteWatch 2000, in accordance with the bill, will allow each user 20 toilet paper squares and three flushes each day. Additionally, because every toilet in the United States would be required to be wired into a national database, a user could not cheat the system by using the neighbor’s bathroom, or a stall at the mall, and would even continue monitoring citizens’ restroom habits despite their travels. Stark extolled the virtues of his bill by claiming that “America would reduce usage by about 70 percent, or roughly 20 billion rolls of toilet paper.” Further, Stark commented that, “because of the devastating impact that used toilet paper and human fecal matter has on our nation, any failure to comply would be deemed a violation of the Patriot Act on an ‘environmental terrorism’ theory.”

Phelps Attacks the AoE

Report by Derrin Fowell, MO Chapter

Perennial tool Fred Phelps, pictured here with grandsons Ernie and Lester, protested recently outside the home of Army of Epiphenomenon Missouri Chapter Commander Ryan Hanks, blaming recent midwest flooding on the sometimes mildly offensive articles published by the AoE. Phelps, who is best known for his trademark “God Hates Fags” picket signs, believes that until the AoE deposits $5.25 in a swear jar for some of the language used in various AoE published articles over the past year, God will continue to flood the midwest.

Ryan Hanks commented that he “would gladly pay 100 times that amount to anyone willing to help Phelps pull his head out.” As it was, Hanks hurled a handful of spare change at Phelps and shouted, “piss off and leave [expletive],” then tossed another quarter to cover the cost of that last metaphor.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Twinkie the Kid on Larry King Live

Report by Alex Montgomery, NY Chapter

Snack cake lobbyist and long-time DC insider, Twinkie the Kid, appeared on Larry King Live Friday night to discuss growing concerns over sexual and fiscal transgressions committed by our nation’s lawmakers. Twinkie, who’s name has repeatedly splashed across headlines in recent months for his own romantic relationships with members of Congress shed much light on the carefree orgy that has enveloped Capital Hill.

Asked by King whether the sexual abandon that characterizes Washington is a recent phenomenon, Twinkie responded, “Washington, since at least the time of Kennedy has been experiencing a sort of sexual renaissance.” It’s funny that many people use the phrase ‘so-and-so politician is in bed with this-or-that corporation’ not knowing that it is generally true literally as well as figuratively.”

King went on to explore the nature of how budgeting decisions are made. Twinkie suggested that one need only “follow the money” to understand the process. “It is often difficult to follow though, and purposely so. What generally happens is that ABC corporation will give money to XYZ’s campaign or promise a future position on the Board of the ABC with generous stock options, in return XYZ will vote to give a lucrative contract to ABC. Take Hillary for example, Wal-Mart gave her a seat on it’s Board, she had no real responsibility, in fact I’d be surprised if she ever attended a meeting, but she was paid handsomely. In return Hillary promised future votes to keep minimum wages low and carve out exceptions that Wal-Mart has successfully used to pay its employees next to nothing."

Lawmakers Accused of Sexual Abuse

Report by Karen Downs, CA Chapter

Reports surfaced in Washington alleging that Congresspersons have been engaging in inappropriate and often illegal sexual relations with House and Senate pages. The pages, who must be 16 or 17 year old High School juniors, are generally regarded as holding the most prestigious posts available to young Americans and typically begins a lifelong career in public service.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) has recently been accused of engaging in illicit relations with several of the Senate pages and rumors have surface that such activity is widespread amongst members of both the House and Senate. Sally Wentworth, the mother of one of the pages linked to Boxer, allegedly found text messages on her son’s cell phone directing the youth to various broom closets around Capital Hill for “private meetings”. Boxer, pictured here responding to congratulations from a Senate colleague on a recent conquest, addressed the allegations by saying the practice is “merely harmless hazing” and has been common practice on Capital Hill for over 100 years. Boxer continued by saying that “getting a piece of that page action is considered a right of office,” and that, “most Congresspersons make a game of it by collecting notches on their congressional bedposts just as a child might collect baseball cards.” Boxer even implicated Sen. Barack Obama, saying the freshman Senator and Presidential hopeful has collected over 40 such notches since his first term began. “Nobody has had a rookie season like that since Ted Kennedy first shadowed the Hill.”

Special 2nd Amendment Issue of the AoE Newsletter!

Attention Cadets!

The new issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of The Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail now!  Inside you will find:

Scalia Swats Back the Hand of Tryanny!

Report by Edward LaBrosse, DC Chapter

United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia issued the majority opinion in the DC v. Heller case today, salvaging for now, our Second Amendment right to bear arms.  The opinion which can be read in its entirety at Findlaw ...

NC Bucks License Plate Trend

Report by Jennifer Jenkins, NC Chapter

In a contraversial move, North Carolina abandoned the practice of avoiding potentially offensive license plate letter combinations in order to comment on the current state of affairs in Washington DC ...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Obama Offers V.P. to Vic Mackey

Report by Susan McKonkey, SC Chapter

A source inside the Obama camp revealed that Barack very recently extended Vic Mackey, from the popular cable series “The Shield”, an offer to join him the Democratic ticket. Obama, who had been looking for a tough-as-nails Washington outsider, and with Clint Eastwood unwilling to reprise his role as Dirty Harry, considered Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs and Bruce Willis’ John McClane, but finally decided on Mackey because of his ability to “work the system” and “get the job done”.

The V.P. selection dispelled the fears of many Democrats that Obama ticket would be considered soft on crime, however, “Detective Mackey’s kick ass first and take names latter reputation should play well with the voting public,” offered fictitious LA City Councilman David Aceveda. Danielle “Danny” Sofer, Mackey’s coworker and on-again-off-again lover, suggested that perhaps Obama is hoping that Vic Mackey’s rugged bad-boy persona will help secure the female vote. Then, biting her lip softly and seductively, she added, “Mackey does it for me.”

McCain Supports 'Youth in Asia"

Report by Janet Rowlands, KY Chapter

Semantics generally hinder understanding, but generally don’t lead to major political humiliations. McCain bucked the trend yesterday when he answered a question from the audience at a televised event. When asked his stance on euthanasia, McCain, perhaps showing his age, or lack of understanding of so-called “twenty-five cent” words, responded by telling the crowd jokingly, “I absolutely support ‘youth in Asia’ ... just as I support various children around the state of Arizona and District of Columbia,” just before breaking into a rendition of a Beach Boys classic, “‘round ‘round get around, I get around ....” Receiving much the same response he got with his “Bomb-Iran/Barbara-Ann” song, McCain quickly dove into a five minute explanation of how he was able to differentiate young asians from those “sick, 'charlie' bastards” who locked him in a cage in Vietnam, before a clearly shaken-up campaign worker stopped him long enough to whisper something in his ear. McCain sat dumbly for a second, then muttered questioningly, “‘Youth in Asia’ means put to death ... is that some kind of gang lingo?” At that point McCain’s microphone was fortuitously disabled.”

Obama Calls for Donations to Hillary

Report by John Parker, AK Chapter

Hillary Clinton overspent revenues by $22 million during her recent White House run. “This just proves what a great President Hillary Clinton would have been,” defended former opponent Barack Obama, “She overspent by millions of dollars on something that a majority of Americans adamantly didn’t want.” Obama has gallantly taken up the charge to encourage donors to give generously to Hillary’s debt. “The Clinton’s can’t possibly be expected to bear this burden alone; this debt is nearly as much as Hillary’s annual dividend check from her Wal-mart stock, and roughly the same as the annual rent due for Bill’s New York office,” explained Obama.

Some Democrats have questioned the wisdom of donating millions of dollars to the uber-wealthy Clinton’s, rather than the millions of Americans who face much more dire financial circumstances. John Hammond, a Iowan with a small family farm, lost his home, nearly half of his heard, and virtually all of his crops in the recent midwest flooding, wondered, “I’ve got five dollars to feed my wife and three children for the foreseeable future, we’re living in a tent without electricity or running water, and I’m better off than any of my neighbors. Why is that dumb bastard telling people to send help to the Clinton’s?”

Saturday, June 21, 2008

New Bill Forgives Past Illegal Wiretapping

Report by Martha Coleman, CT Chapter

A consortium of telecommunication giants breathed a deep sigh of relief Friday as the House passed a bill that effectively forgave them of abusing the Constitutional Rights of U.S. citizens. “It seems as though all the ‘campaign contributions’ paid off,” exclaimed a spokesperson for the group, adding a sly wink. The bill, which was dubbed “an overhaul of the wiretapping laws” not only purports to legalized the use of warrantless wiretaps, a Constitutional violation according to the U.S. Supreme Court, but retroactively forgives past violations of Constitutional rights by the Bush Administration and participating telecommunication companies.

The bill, which was provided to Congress less than 24 hours before the vote, was hurried through the House in total disregard of the standard seven day waiting period that provides an opportunity for Congresspersons to read the legislation. George W. Bush addressed Congress Friday prior to the vote, saying the plan “will help our intelligence professionals learn our enemies' plans for new attacks, and help us keep tabs on ‘subversives,’” adding air quotes and a mischievous grin to his last word as if it was an inside joke. Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) addressed the speed at which the bill moved through the House by asking rhetorically, “Who the hell reads bills anyway?” “We have ‘special consultants’ to do the reading for us,” added Hoekstra, referring to corporate lobbyists.

Friday, June 20, 2008

McCain Whines About Obama

Report by Eric Timmons, NJ Chapter

Republican Presidential Hopeful, Sen. John McCain, threw a hissy fit Thursday in response to Barack Obama’s revelation that he won’t be using public funds to finance his general election campaign. “It’s not fair,” complained McCain, “Obama is more popular and people enthusiastically give money to his campaign. He just snaps his fingers and the checks come pouring in; meanwhile it’s like pulling teeth for me to get 5 dollars out of my wife.”

Since 1976, candidates have opted to use public funds (i.e. tax dollars) to finance their presidential runs, which has leveled the playing field, because each contender has equal funds with which to work. Obama, by opting out of the system, and due to his fundraising prowess, will be virtually unconstrained in his spending. In contrast, McCain, who couldn’t get a bucket of water given to him if his house was on fire, will be forced to live within the spending limits of the system he is forced to utilize. DC pundit, Robert Freisman, commented, “It’s rich that a supposed “conservative” is whining about a so-called “liberal” rejecting government assistance. McCain has singlehandedly shattered the myth that Democrats are the Party of sniveling weenies suckling at the teet of big government. Who is the sniveling weenie now?"  President George W. Bush reportedly responded to the news by asking, "Is it too late to run Huckabee instead?"

Thursday, June 19, 2008

DNC Announces New Fundraiser

Report by Harold Wand, NE Chapter

The Democratic National Committee, in the face of economic hardships that have been hampering donation revenues, today unveiled a new strategy to raise money. For the first time, the DNC will be selling coupon books filled with various discounts on such things as Congresspersons’ votes and entrance to closed sessions of Congress. The DNC Congressional Coupon Book, which will be sold for $25,000, is aimed at ultra-rich liberals, corporations, and PACs.
 “Coupon books like this have been used for years by small organizations with great success,” stated Howard Dean, DNC President, continuing excitedly, “We’re simply taking this familiar concept to a whole new level!”

Detractors of the fundraising scheme have questioned the ethics of promoting the sale of votes and access to closed sessions of congressional committee meetings. “The DNC is basically saying that if you have enough money, their lawmakers are for sale. What happened to Democrats looking out for the little guy?” questioned Ohio Teamster Alan Petrovski. Dean addressed such sentiments by calling politics a “catch 22 situation” and saying, “we can’t help the lower and middle classes without money from the rich, and we can’t get money from the rich without selling out the lower and middle classes.”

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Mukasey Endorses McCain, Patriot Act

Report by Helen Mathews, MS Chapter

Former Federal District Judge and current Attorney General of the United States Michael Mukasey vocalized his endorsement for Senator John McCain today in a press conference. “John McCain is right man for the job,” announced Mukasey, adding, “Under McCain’s leadership, we will carry on the job started by Bush and Ashcroft, and continued by Gonzales,” referring to abuses of the USA Patriot Act.

The Patriot Act, enacted under the guise of protecting Americans from international terrorism, has been used extensively by the Bush Administration to wiretap, check library, medical, and internet records, and in various other ways, spy on lawful American citizens. In his statement, Mukasey praised the Act for its effectiveness in bringing down former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer for prostitution and subsequently aiding in the defeat of Spitzer’s close ally, Hillary Clinton, by Barack Obama. When asked what prostitution had to do with international terrorism, Mukasey retorted, “Don’t be naive. The Patriot Act was never about terrorism, that was a diversion used to implement a tool that has proved invaluable in the quest to strengthen the Administration against the so-called “rights” of U.S. citizens.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Sen. Larry Craig Caught with Twinkie the Kid

Report by Jeffrey Billingsley, NV Chapter

Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was photographed recently at an exclusive Bahama resort with Washington lobbyist Twinkie the Kid. Both Craig and Twinkie have recently been embroiled in highly publicized homosexual scandals, Sen. Craig having propositioned an undercover police officer in an airport bathroom, and Twinkie carrying on a long term relationship with Sen. Ted Kennedy. The Idaho politician, who has vehemently denied engaging in homosexual relations, will have a difficult time rebutting the picture of the two lying near each other on the beach, with Craig in only a thong, and Twinkie wearing nothing but his trademark boots, bandana, and hat.

Those who have worked closely with both the senator and lobbyist displayed little shock at the picture’s revelation. Preston Hamilton III, a noted DC lobbyist who has enjoyed a long working relationship with both Craig and Twinkie revealed that he “felt sparks between the two a couple weeks ago at an intimate back-room meeting attended by various Washington power brokers.” Twinkie’s recent beau, Ted Kennedy, had “no comment on the matter” according to a family friend. Senator Craig’s wife, who stood by her husband following the airport scandal, also refused to issue a statement regarding the affair.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Obama Proposes Fat History Month

Report by Ruth Higgins, OK Chaper

In an attempt to reach out to America’s enormous and disenfranchised obese population, Barack Obama is championing a movement to establish September as Fat History Month. Obama, who has been in talks with the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA), announced that the proposed month was “in honor of the larger-than-life 27th President President of the United States, William Howard Taft, who was born on September 15, 1857.” “Aside from weighing in at an astounding 350 pounds, Taft was also fierce fighter in the effort to establish federal taxation, and limit the ability of States to interfere in the federal government,” commented Obama at a recent rally, referring to Taft’s work to ratify the 16th and 17th Amendments.

“The pages of our great history are rife with the contributions of fat Americans. Ben Franklin, Alfred Hitchcock, Babe Ruth, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Orson Wells ... and that other fat guy,” trumpeted Obama before a crowd of 12 corpulent voters who gave up daytime television in a show of support for Fat History Month. The Democratic candidate for President went on to call “large waist-banded Americans” the “bedrock of our service economy”, praising their “overindulgence in fast food and tasty snacks” as “patriotic” and “selfless.” A large segment of the obese population have rallied to support Obama in response to his kind words and promises to restore “Super Sizing” to McDonalds’ combo meals.

Friday, June 13, 2008

First Daughters to Share Playboy Spread

Report by Richard Dinkins, OR Chapter

Current First Daughters, twin sisters Jenna and Barbara Bush, and former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton recently revealed that they signed a record deal with Playboy magazine to appear nude together in an upcoming issue of the well known men’s magazine. The pictorial, which is to be called “Girls of the White House” is not the first of its kind. The spread is following in the tradition of Patty Reagan, who famously disrobed during her father’s tenure as President of the United States. Fathers George W. Bush and Bill Clinton issued a joint statement calling the layout “an excellent example of bipartisan camaraderie.” Separately, Bill Clinton noted excitedly that he has "been itchin’ to see those Bush girls naked.”

A White House insider disclosed that Playboy also made First Lady Laura Bush a lucrative offer to undress for the camera, but Mrs. Bush declined saying that “certain aspects of her anatomy were reserved for her husband’s eyes only.” Upon hearing whispers of the offer made to Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton reportedly contacted Hugh Hefner directly demanding to know why no such offer was made to her. Hefner apparently replied that “it would be in the best interest of everyone for [Hillary] to keep [her] clothes on.”

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Secret Bush Plan to Attack Iran

Report by Gerard Fine, TX Chapter

Sources close to the White House and Department of Defense revealed, on the condition of anonymity, that the Bush Administration is planning an all-out offensive on Iran in November. “On Wednesday, November 5, 2008, the United States will send forces West from Afghanistan, East from Iraq, and North from the Persian Gulf in a simultaneous push that will cut Iran off from the world and any possible aid ... hopefully,” disclosed a source close to the Administration. “This has been the goal for the last eight years, and we’re way behind schedule,” noted a DoD source. The source continued by saying, “we expected to be at this point three and a half years ago, and although we’re still not ready, we’ve got to make the move before Obama takes over, or we’ll have spent 8 years setting up this job and wasted thousands of American lives for nothing.”

Sources indicate that George W. Bush assumed that the Iraq engagement would be contained prior to the 2004 election, and that he’d use that victory to sweep his way to a landslide reelection. The U.S. positions in Iraq and Afghanistan would provide perfect staging areas to launch the Iran phase once Bush’s second term was secured. To date, there has been no such victory in Iraq, and no incoming president would jeopardize his second term by waging war on Iran ... unless, rationalizes the Administration, the war had already begun. Therefore, Bush and his crack team of military advisors have decided to launch an attack with less than 90 days remaining in his term so that Congress can not stop it prematurely, and after Super Tuesday, so that the attack won’t present another hurdle to McCain’s longshot bid for the Presidency. The move will burden the incoming Barack Obama with an ongoing war that he would do best to finish than to surrender.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

McCain Selects Running Mate

Report by Cal Svenson, MD Chapter

In a surprise move, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain announced this morning that he has selected Hilary Duff to be his Vice President. Duff, perhaps best known as TV’s Lizzie McGuire, comes as a surprise to virtually all DC insiders. Shedding some light on the unusual selection, McCain staffer Tom Reynolds revealed, “Senator McCain wanted to inject a youthful spark into the ticket, and let’s face it, America has a love affair with little Lizzie McGuire.” Another source within the McCain camp disclosed that McCain had inquired whether or not Duff would be willing to run under the name Lizzie McGuire in hopes of dispelling any connection to fallen Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton. In the end, the campaign decided to utilize Duff’s real name and market her as “The Attractive Hilary.”

Due to McCain’s age, there is some concern about the Constitutional age restriction of the President in the event that McCain should not survive his term. Duff, who falls well short of 35 year age requirement to be President of the United States might not be able to assume the Presidency in the event that McCain should pass away. A source close to the Republican Party noted that the Constitution is a “meaningless document” and “caries so little weight in today’s government” that they don’t anticipate a problem.

Clinton Turns Attention to Fashion

Report by Allison Fairbanks, NY Chapter
Following a disappointing primary season for Hillary Clinton, the former candidate announced today that she would be turning her attention away from politics for a while, and toward her little-known passion for fashion. Clinton, who has long held a fondness for the “comfort and simple elegance of polyester” announced yesterday that she would be launching her own line of clothing with a focus on her favorite fabric. Revealing the handle for her new line, White Trash Fashion, Hillary exclaimed, “We are going to do things with polyester that have here-to-now been unimagined.”

Asked if a nod from Obama would change her plans, Hillary responded by saying, “If selected by Obama to be his running mate, I’ll take it, we’ll beat McCain, and after the election I’ll have that son-of-a-bitch Barack killed so I can take my rightful position as President of the United States!”

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Hillary Rebukes Voting Public

Report by Steve Douglas

After conceding Tuesday night that her hopes for the Presidency are all but lost, but with out actually conceding the Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton rocked the Democratic Party by referring to her party members as “silly, stupid, [explitive] pusillanimous simpletons who wouldn’t recognize the best candidate for the job if she slithered up the crapper from the sewer and grabbed them by the [testicles].” Noting that she still held the country’s best interest at heart and didn’t hold grudges, Clinton went on to say that she would “allow” Barack Obama to select her as his running mate.

In private conversations leading up to the psuedo-concession, Hillary revealed to those close to her that she felt the “dumb-ass” American public dashed her dreams of living in a “Barbarella” world. The reference to “Barbarella” apparently stems from Clinton’s private love of the 1968 classic in which the heroine, played by Jane Fonda, saves the galaxy while wearing as little as possible. “What really appeals to Hillary is not the movie’s sexual content, but that the Earth, as described in the movie, is one that embraces strong women and has advanced to a state that actual contact during sexual intimacy is no longer necessary,” revealed Clinton’s former psychologist.

Clinton, who first saw the movie Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy, during her undergraduate studies at Wellesley College, quickly thereafter left her post as President of the campus Young Republicans, and has since harbored a nearly psychotic infatuation with the politically outspoken liberal Fonda. Those close to Clinton have agreed that were it not for Hillary’s bizarre crush on Jane Fonda, she would likely be a Conservative powerhouse to this day. “If not for Barbarella, it is quite likely that Hillary might be vying to be McCain’s running mate instead of Obama’s,” speculated an unnamed Clinton staffer.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Obama Rejects Church and God for Presidency

Report by Laretta Ence, NV Chapter

Presumptive Democratic Nominee for President Barack Obama “prayerfully” left his church and faith recently in a final push to secure the Democratic nomination. “This was a really stupid time to reject God,” stated Ralph Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, “he had the Democratic nomination all but wrapped up ... sure this will play well with the godless lefties, but it will only serve to harden the right’s resolve to oppose him.”

Obama rejected his faith following more outrageous statements from the pulpit of his former church, this time from the lips of the visiting Father Pfleger. Father Pfleger mocked Hillary Clinton, implying that she believed that she was entitled to the Presidency because she is white and the wife of the former president. “While true,” stated an anonymous source within the Obama camp, “Barack doesn’t want to appear to promote any bias toward any particular religion or against any particular person, including that flatulent whore Hillary.”

Washington pundits are split on the issue of rejecting one’s faith midway through an election cycle. “Some will see this for what it is, a rejection of God in a self-empowering attempt to gain the Presidency, but most will believe that Obama is taking a high ground beyond the reach of organized religion,” postulated John Krantz of the American Workers Foundation. Conversely, Barbara White of the National Heritage Fund reckoned that, “Americans will see this move for what it really is: Obama is selling his moral grounding for a seat in the Oval Office.” John Kerry, former White House contender, in response to the news, internally speculated, “What if I had rejected the Catholic Church...?”

Monday, June 2, 2008

Republicans to McClellan, "We Never Liked You!"

Report by Sanford Lewis, WI Chapter

Former White House press Secretary Scott McClellan recently released a tell-all book about the Bush White House, including scandalous revelations of fraud, deceit, and incompetence. McClellan’s targets included not only the sitting President, but Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and “Scooter” Libby among others. The majority of the Republican Party, led by the so-called “NeoCons”, responded to the release by telling McClellan that, despite previous interactions to the contrary, “we never liked you anyway!”

I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, former Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, noted NeoCon and felon, explained that, “although [Republicans] may have appeared to embrace McClellan in the past, we have always made fun of him behind his back.” Conservative radio personality Michael Medved, echoed Libby and added, “I could never stand that back stabbing publicity whore, I just acted like I liked him because I thought the establishment wanted me too.”

Not all Republicans acted so quickly to shun the former administration insider. Rex Jenkins, a conservative rural businessman noted, “He’s kind of a prick for ratting out his friends, but its probably the first honest word we’ve heard from inside the White House in 20, maybe 30, years.” However cynical it appears, it seems that many Americans consider admissions of dishonesty to be the only honest statements to come from our politicians.

The apparent success of McClellan’s book has prompted him to consider a follow-up book about George W. Bush. “There so much dirt in the White House, I’ve got fodder for about ten books,” revealed McClellan. He continued, “I’ve got pictures of Dubya in a french bikini - I’m going to have to work that in somehow - God we were so high that night ...”

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Vatican Reevaluates Birth Control

Report by Sean Callahan

The Catholic Church released a statement Friday stating that the Vatican would soon be reevaluating its stance on birth control in response to a 10,000 page document compiled by a group calling itself Catholics for Responsible Procreation (CRP). The document includes a statistical evaluation of the intelligence of American fast food employees and “big-box” retail store associates, as well as over 5,000 randomly selected individual profiles of such workers. Cardinal Ramon Edwardo Franchesco Valdez, the Pontiff’s liaison in matters pertaining to the use of contraceptives explained, “[The Vatican] was simply unaware of such a grave need for birth control. The pictures and biographical information of these pathetic creatures is incontrovertible proof of the need for rubbers.”

Bishop Romanov Panchensky, another member of the Revered Potentate’s crack committee assigned to evaluate the document provided by CRP, stated, “Theologically, [the Vatican] will always oppose birth control, but staring at the pictures of the retards schlepping Big Macs and pawning cut rate Sam’s Choice crap off on the unsuspecting American public makes one appreciate what a thin layer of latex can accomplish.”

Bert Harris, spokesperson for CRP, defended the report saying, “The evidence speaks for itself, you’ve been to McDonalds, do you want those people breeding?” This world does not need another 400 pound cross-eyed heifer with only 4 teeth, let alone some pathetic neanderthal loser willing to crawl in the sack with her!” Harris went on to say, “We are very excited that the Pope is taking this matter seriously, obviously our merciful Lord does not intend for us the burden of sharing this planet with the dandies currently responsible for super-sizing our combo meals.”