Man Realizes Dream, Kills 24

Report by Ed Gilderbraith, IN Chapter

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood condemned narcoleptic truck drivers Monday after a semi truck, helmed by 38 year old Nelson Felcher, careened into a strip mall parking lot Saturday killing 24 and injuring 30.  Felcher (pictured left), a lifelong narcoleptic, graduated from Munz Truck Driving School in Muncie, Indiana in February at the top of his class.  Bill Villenichek, an instructor at Munz, called Felcher a “model student” and said “sure he had a tendency to fall asleep while driving, but nobody is perfect, and beside he could back a trailer into a tuna can ... he was amazing.”

LaHood who became the 16th Transportation Secretary on January 23rd of this year, and has done relatively nothing since taking office, chose this incident to make his first public statement.  “The United States can’t sit idly by and let drivers fall asleep any longer, they are a public menace.  This incident illustrates a need for fundamental change in transportation in this country,” stated Lahood, “we are in the midst of a transportation crisis ... a crisis that demands nationalized driver licensing and strict federal regulation.”  Felcher responded to LaHood’s criticism by crying, “Discrimination, that’s what this is.  The Obama administration is targeting people with disabilities.  If this was WWII Germany, I’d probably be hauled off to an extermination camp for narcoleptics. 

Felcher, who believed he could overcome his disorder with the help of crystal meth, went on describe the pure joy he felt upon receiving his Commercial Drivers License (CDL), “It was a lifelong goal achieved, it was kind of like the first person with a disability walking on the moon.  I proved that even though someone may uncontrollably fall asleep, they can still reach the stars.  I guess Obama and his cronies in Washington just don’t want the little people to live the American Dream.”  Although Felcher’s dream cost 24 people their lives, he will still be driving a truck until the Indiana drivers licensing review board reviews his case at a hearing in August.