States Accuse Washington of Provoking a ‘War of Federal Aggression’

Special Report by Dixie Larkin, AOE Founding Member

Not since the debate over slavery has an issue so bitterly divided this nation.  This time around, the Federal Government seems to be set on making slaves of citizens rather than setting slaves free, according to State lawmakers across the heartland.  A Coalition of Conservative States made primarily up of 31 traditionally red states (see map and Alaska) have voiced their intention of severing ties with DC if the pending Health Care legislation is passed.  In addition to the states shown, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Maine and Rhode Island are on the fence, but sources say all but Rhode Island are leaning toward joining the Coalition.

“We believe the Federal Government has usurped the Constitution,” says Texas Governor Rick Perry, “When we agreed to enter the Union, we agreed with an understanding of the power of the Federal Government as laid out in the Constitution.  In no uncertain terms, the Federal Government has violated that agreement ... they broke the contract, so to speak, and has thus relinquished us of our duty to abide by that agreement, which is to remain a State in the Union.”  Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who studied law at Regent University, a premier conservative Christian Law School, added, “make no mistake, the decisions being made in Washington [DC] are tearing apart the very fabric of our nation.  Foisting such Unconstitutional legislation as ObamaCare upon an unwilling citizenry is tearing away the very threads upon which this nation was sown together.”  Governor Tim Pawlenty (MN), who is trying to steer his state toward joining the Coalition underlined the fierce reverence that Coalition leaders have for the United States of America, but said, “When the Federal Government abandons the Constitution, patriots have no choice but to abandon the Federal Government.

In response to backlash from States, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) flippantly alluded to the Civil War era Mason-Dixon line by asking that the line separating the “redneck states from the progressive blue states” would be named the Pelosi-Reid line.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) weighed in by calling the 31 Coalition State a “fringe group” who would “quickly be crushed if they continue this nonsense.”  Governor Bobby Jindal responded to Reid and Pelosi by pointing out that their “cheeky disregard for America’s Heartland is forcing this 'War of Federal Aggression' upon us.”

White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse.