White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse. 

U.S. Sends Osmonds to Hell

Report by Dennis Hascert, SC Chapter

Sibling singers Donny and Marie Osmond, played three standing room only shows in Hades recently as part of a Good Will tour sent by the U.S. Government to Hell.  Donny and Marie were named co-Ambassadors to the Nether World last month by President George W. Bush and spent some time with the ruler of the Dark Realm, as well as many deceased fans of the 70’s singing sensations.  Speaking by phone from his family home near Ogden, Utah, Donny Osmond remarked, “It is such an honor to be chosen by the President to serve in Outer Darkness,” adding with a somber note, “It breaks my heart because there are so many lost souls there yet to be baptized for ... I know how Angelina [Jolie] must feel when she visits those poor countries where she buys all her kids.”  There has been some talk of Satan, who played drums under the pseudonym “Ginger Baker” in the late 60’s and 70’s with such notable bands as Cream and Blind Faith, joining the Osmonds to form a power trio the likes of which the world of Rock ‘n Roll has never seen, but Donny insists that such talk is still premature at this stage.