Congress Unveils Bipartisan Plan to Wipe its Collective Ass With Constitution.

Report by Luther Jacobs, TN Chapter

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stood cheering wildly Friday morning after House Minority Leader John Boehner and House Majority Whip James Clyburn introduced historic legislation that, if signed into law, would change the look of toilet paper used by our nation’s leaders. Boehner and Clyburn cited President Obama’s desire for transparency as a reason to support the legislation, saying, “The Federal Government, [Congress] included, has been wiping its figurative ass with the Constitution for generations. Let’s be honest and give the people an accurate, tangible picture of how we really feel about our founding documents.” The pair went on to laud the bipartisan nature of the bill and the jobs, albeit in South America, that would be created to produce the specialty bathroom tissue.

Boehner and Clyburn took a few minutes after the House session to speak with the press about the bill. After dodging several questions about the pronunciation of his last name, Boehner was asked if using the toilet paper would violate his oath to defend and uphold the Constitution? Boehner, clearly confused, whispered something to Clyburn, who also seemed bewildered by the question. After recovering, Boehner responded, “any Oaths or old parchments are obviously ceremonial in nature and have little to do with the decisions that governmental leaders make on a day to day basis.” Clyburn added, “[Curse] the Constitution!”