White House Blames Satan for Healthcare Delays

Report by Stan Woodhouse, OR Chapter

The White House today revealed their suspicions about why the Healthcare Bill seems to be stagnating in Congress.  In a statement by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs this morning, Satan was blamed “after all other possible causes had been eliminated.”  Said Gibbs, “There is no other logical explanation why this universally supported piece of legislation has been held up in Congress.”

Suspicions about Satan’s interference with the Healthcare Bill were first voiced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, when despite “overwhelming bipartisan support for the bill”, it failed to land on the President’s desk by his December deadline.  “Over the course of several more missed deadlines and despite virtually unanimous public endorsement of the bill, we determined that the Prince of Darkness was wielding some kind of dark voodoo magic to halt the process,” stated Gibbs.

Fueling suspicions about the Dark Lord’s meddling, is an alleged threat Satan, then known as Lucifer, made to Obama during their time together at Occidental College in Las Angeles.  Pictured together here, the two became fast friends, but that changed quickly just before Christmas break of their freshman year.  Classmates reported that Lucifer became outraged when dime bag of marijuana turned up missing after a party in his dorm room and blamed Barack, then called Barry, for its disappearance.  “No matter where you go, no matter what you do Barry, I’ll be there to [fornicate] your [excrement] up dude,” a hungover and upset Satan allegedly threatened.

The White House sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Hell yesterday to begin talks with the Father of Lies to see if a compromise could be reached.  Gibbs told reporters that “this nation’s healthcare problems are bigger than a missing bag of weed,” and was hopeful that the Devil would “see that the need for comprehensive healthcare reform is bigger than Obama, Satan, and the refer madness fueling this impasse.