Obama Sells North Dakota to Rap Mogul

Report by Seth Eitner, NY Chapter

In an apparent effort to generate funds in the hope of halting the U.S. economic free fall, President Barack Obama, yesterday, authorized the sale of North Dakota to music icon Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Combs, formerly known as “Puff Daddy”, was awarded the State of North Dakota for what some consider to be a paltry $47 million.  Some opponents of the deal are upset because the deal was pushed through quickly without allowing other parties to bid on the state, while many North Dakota residents were understandably dismayed that the Federal Government would sell their state out from under them.  A group of over 300 North Dakotians protested the sale today outside the capital building in Bismark, chanting “Go to Hell. We’re not for sale” before being showered with rubber bullets by a hastily assembled interim army wearing a fashionable ensemble designed by Combs under the Sean John label.

Among the critics of the sale are celebrities Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, David Hasselhoff, and Willie Nelson.  “Yo, a deal like this should have been an auction open to the public,” said Jay-Z in response to the sale, “back room deals like this are precisely why Americans don’t trust the government.  Snoop Dogg agree with that sentiment by adding, “Fo’ Shizzle!”  Hasslehoff reportedly was interested in creating a “State of Inebriation”, while Nelson admitted he just wanted a place to smoke marijuana without being hassled.

Combs, in a statement released today, stated that the new nation would be called “Nubia” with himself ruling under the title “Grand Nubian” in the yet to be created capital city of Diddyopolis.  Rather than a representative democracy in the mold of the U.S., Nubia would have a “Parliament Funkadelic” and a Prime Minister type position called the “MC Prime”.  Although Diddy hasn’t settled on who he will appoint as the first MC Prime of Nubia, it is rumored that 50 Cent and Posdnuos from De La Soul are the top contenders for the post.  “The MC Prime will handle most of the day-to-day government [excrement],” announced Combs, “but I’ll being taking a decidedly more hands on role than that ol’ biddy in England.”  

President Obama called the deal a success saying, “Think of this as a real estate deal.  [The U.S.] bought the land from the Indians for a couple beads and now we’ve flipped it for $47 million.  Plus we don’t have to throw away any more stimulus money on that wasteland.”  When asked if it wouldn’t cost at least $47 million to replace the 50 star flags with 49 star flags, Obama indicated that he was considering making Puerto Rico a State to alleviate that expense.  “I’ve been to Puerto Rico and it’s beautiful, responded the President, “what’s North Dakota got? Dirt and snow, that what.  It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.

U.S. to ND: ‘Sorry, We Forgot About You’

Report by Bill Levinson, SD Chapter

Scholars at UC Davis made a startling discovery last month when they stumbled upon documents indicating that North Dakota, a strip of land occupying 70,762 square miles directly between Canada and South Dakota, is part of the United States. The news came as a shock to virtually everyone ... everyone except for the nearly 1400 residents of the State. Roger Martin, Dean of American Studies at UC Davis, announcing the find at a recent press conference, said, “We have uncovered definitive proof that North Dakota is indeed the lost State.”

While most Americans believed that Puerto Rico rounded out the 50 states that make up the US, North Dakota was actually admitted into the Union on November 2, 1889, as the 39th state. ND Governor John Hoeven responded to news of the discovery by saying, “What the Hell ... you really forgot about us?” Adding, “that explains the total lack of tourism over the past 50 years.”

In response to the discovery, North Dakota is embarking on a large scale public awareness campaign, including tagging welcome signs with the new state motto “Still part of the United States” and mass mailing post cards to US residents inviting them to visit a state that dares to feature milk as the State beverage.