Lawmakers to Stop Tickling Children

Report by Hans Dingler, NH Chapter

The House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for Congressmen, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The newest version of the Committee’s Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says House members may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.  

Victim advocates who have criticized Congress for its handling of abuse cases in the past say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.  The Senate has plans to follow suit with similar guidelines, but is expected to await a formal recommendation from child sex expert Senator Larry Craig (R-ID).

DHS Issues Warning to Bloggers

Report by Michael C. Sahwalohs, AL Chapter

The United States Department of Homeland Security issued a stern warning to internet bloggers this morning in its continued effort to protect the American people from the onslaught of domestic terrorism. The announcement, as it was termed, “requested” that bloggers refrain from using such words as “bomb, threat, Washington, jihad, retribution, Constitution, nuculer [sic], building, President, attack, liberty, allah, explode, Congress, praise, suicide, freedom, or bombing." Phrases the DHS would like avoided are “‘Praise Allah’, 'gun rights', ‘car bomb’, ‘crooked politicians’, ‘dirty bomb’ ‘bush sucks’, ‘free speech’, and ‘bomb those capitalist bastards back to the stone age’.” 

The DHS went on to warn that the aforementioned list was not exhaustive, but should be read to include any any terms or phrases that might directly or indirectly cause concern, either physically or financially, for any member of Congress, the President, or a significant campaign contributor thereto. Homeland Security Tzar Michael Chertoff thanked bloggers in advance for their willingness to submit, and added that compliance would "help to reduce the number of unexplained disappearances."

Edwards: Wife’s Cancer Excuse to “Get Some Strange”

Report by Joan Farnsworth, SC Chapter

Following two years of lies and cover ups concerning the betrayal of his marriage vows, and after one week of reserved admittance, former Presidential candidate John Edwards, not acting very presidential, announced that he had been “tapping that ass” on a regular basis for the better part of two years. The tapee, as it were, is Rielle Hunter, a woman devoid of experience and talent, yet still hired by Edwards to make “campaign films.” As it turns out the so-called “campaign films” featured Hunter engaging in adult situations with multiple members of the Edwards campaign, including John Edwards himself.

At a press conference Edwards held this morning after attending church with his wife Elizabeth, the former Senator and current douche bag announced that his relationship with Ms. Hunter was “purely sexual”. Edwards went on to say, “Elizabeth’s cancer is hard on me, she is rarely in the mood, so I’ve got to get some strange occasionally.” When asked if he was father of the child Hunter conceived recently, Edwards responded, “The whole [campaign] crew was tappin’ that, so there’s really no way of knowing without a [paternity] test.” In light of Hunter’s recent refusal to have the child’s DNA tested, Edwards suggested the child be referred to as the “Edwards Campaign Bastard” or perhaps hyphenating it and using that as its last name (e.g. John Edwards-Campaign-Bastard). At that point, Elizabeth Edwards, who was standing next to her husband, muttered something about John being “the only bastard that she knew.”

House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC)

The House Un-America Activities wishes to remind bloggers that "Free Speech" is free only in the sense that it is not taxed by the Federal Government.  Any speech that is deemed to degrade, or impugn the deity of Federal Lawmakers will no longer be tolerated.  Violators will be treated as "enemy combatants" and detained at an off-shore military detention facility.

New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.

Politicians Bare All For Playgirl

Report by Pam Harris-Burkmeyer, KS Chapter

Playgirl magazine announced its annual Bad Boys of Government issue Thursday. This year’s issue features popular political icons Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and the terminably flaccid, yet still somehow exciting, Dick Cheney. Each fall, Playgirl exposes top world politicians for the viewing enjoyment of political groupies across the country and World. Eileen Harrington, an Iowa housewife, mother of six, and longtime Playgirl subscriber reacted to news of the issue with glee, saying, “With all the candidates being crooked amoral bastards without redeeming character, Playgirl gives [women] an independent yardstick with which to measure our male leaders. The September issue is available now at newsstands everywhere.

U.S. to ND: ‘Sorry, We Forgot About You’

Report by Bill Levinson, SD Chapter

Scholars at UC Davis made a startling discovery last month when they stumbled upon documents indicating that North Dakota, a strip of land occupying 70,762 square miles directly between Canada and South Dakota, is part of the United States. The news came as a shock to virtually everyone ... everyone except for the nearly 1400 residents of the State. Roger Martin, Dean of American Studies at UC Davis, announcing the find at a recent press conference, said, “We have uncovered definitive proof that North Dakota is indeed the lost State.”

While most Americans believed that Puerto Rico rounded out the 50 states that make up the US, North Dakota was actually admitted into the Union on November 2, 1889, as the 39th state. ND Governor John Hoeven responded to news of the discovery by saying, “What the Hell ... you really forgot about us?” Adding, “that explains the total lack of tourism over the past 50 years.”

In response to the discovery, North Dakota is embarking on a large scale public awareness campaign, including tagging welcome signs with the new state motto “Still part of the United States” and mass mailing post cards to US residents inviting them to visit a state that dares to feature milk as the State beverage.

Al Gore Breaks Vow of Celibacy by Having Sex with Tipper (1998)

On October 17, 1998, the AoE was the first to break the story of how, in a moment of extraordinary weakness, Al Gore gave in to his wife’s nagging requests for sexual satisfaction after nearly seventeen years of chastity.

Report by Malley Masterson, HI Chapter

The unfolding drama surrounding this latest domestic scandal involving the Gore’s, has many Washington pundits calling for an investigation into what is quickly being referred to as “TipperGate”. One Democratic Party insider was quoted as saying, “We’ve come to rely on Gore’s uncompromising seriousness and intensity, this single moment of weakness on Al’s part could completely change the make up of the Democratic Party. What with all the ex-hippies and young slackers that make up this party, we need Gore to show America that not all Democrats have a sense of humor.”

Experts predict that this unprecedented release of pent-up frustration, could lead to lower blood pressure and the occasional smile from Gore. This could spell disaster for the Democrats, who have, until now, been thought to have a lock on winning the next Presidential election on the strength of Gore’s stone-faced solemnness.

Though Gore has never publicly disclosed the exact length of time that he has abstained from sexual relations, those close to the Gore’s believe it to be close to seventeen years. “I think this is the first time since Albert III was conceived that they’ve physically expressed their love for one another,” revealed a confidant of Tipper’s. “It is precisely that kind of commitment to celibacy that has given Gore the icy determination to accomplish all he has,” noted one family friend, “and with one sweaty act, Gore may have released the very thing that held his career together.” Although Al may be, no other Democrats will be sleeping well this week.

UK Prime Minister Reaffirms Candidates' Wankerdom

UK's Brown Still Unexcited About U.S. Candidates

Follow-up report by Enid Washington, TN Chapter

Having half-heartedly followed the course of the U.S. Presidential contest, The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, told reporters at a press conference this morning that his April assertion that Barack Obama was “a right wanker” was "a more apt description than ever." Brown went on to say, "that assessment goes double for McCain."

Brown's unflattering evaluation of the U.S. candidates in April subsequently opened an international Pandora's Box of criticism for McCain and Obama. French President Nicolas Sarkozy, referring to the pair of White House hopefuls, recently said, "Le cerveau il etait en option chez toi" (The brain was optional for you).

Last month, Russian leader Vladimir Putin spewed, "Eedee k'chortu, svolatch!" at the candidates, but as nobody cares about Russia or it's language anymore, a translation was unavailable.

Study Shows Congress Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

A recent study released by Southern Michigan State University revealed the total lack of self-awareness that characterizes U.S. Senators and Representatives. According to the research, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen are aware that nobody likes them. During the course of the study, Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT) responded to questions about Congressional approval rating being as low as 13% by deludedly responding, “I think that refers to Democrats, I’m pretty sure that Americans love Republicans.” Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) replied to the same query, “Who the Hell cares? Those idiots keep electing us.” The SMSU researchers plan a follow up study to determine just exactly why Americans keep electing dumb-asses to lead this country.

Democrats Shocked to Learn Obama is White

Report by Sean Jensen, CT Chapter

What began as a jab, by Barack Obama, aimed at McCain’s obvious lack of blood flow, created a whirlwind of blowback for the Democrat nominee. In an age where negative campaigning is the norm, Obama, playing the game, released new ads attacking McCain for being an animatronic tool without a pulse, thus causing the Republican’s eerie, pale, ghost-like appearance. The unintended consequence of the campaign was to reveal Obama’s own lilly white ass, and the implication that he is, in actuality, just a well tanned White guy.

Brad Reynolds, a confused liberal with years of diversity training, indicating that he had decided to back Obama with the idea that supporting a minority candidate would prove once and for all to his minority coworkers that he is “a friend to those oppressed by the White establishment,” was particularly rocked by the revelation. “Now I’m just another White guy supporting a White guy,” said Reynolds with a sigh. A spokesperson for the Obama camp responded to concerned Democrats by saying, “Let’s not let the Conservative media bias take our focus off the fact that McCain is animatronic corpse posing as living person!”

Abortion Debate Heats Up

Report by Herman Fuentes, CO Chapter

Although the abortion debate has historically generated a bevy of bad feelings between Conservatives and Liberals, the conflict took a turn for the worse in Colorado recently. On June 30th, a pro-choice group, Colorado for Choice (CFC), unveiled a billboard on the north side of Denver along the I-25 corridor which read, “Abortion STOPS Child Abuse.” According to CFC spokesperson Sunny Firestone, the sign was intended to emphasize “the need for abortion to keep children away from would-be parents who are woefully unprepared to raise children ... like college kids, poor white trash, and minorities.”

Just two weeks later, five miles south on I-25, a pro-life organization calling itself Screw Colorado for Choice (SCFC) issued a response to the CFC billboard. The follow-up billboard pointedly read “Murder STOPS Whiny Liberals.” SCFC spokesperson Rick Smith defended the billboard by saying, “we took issue with notion that only rich white liberals have the skill set necessary to raise children ... oh and we believe that life begins at conception so there’s there’s the irony that both of us are advocating murder.” Firestone, hearing Smith’s comment, responded, “What an [donkey]hole.”