Army of Epiphenomenon

McCain Taxidermy Conspiracy

Report by Ernest Charles, GA Chapter

In an elaborate “Weekend at Bernie’s” scheme, the secret organization that runs this country from behind the scenes, brought together a select group of taxidermists to perpetrate the most morbid scam ever perpetrated on the American People. The select taxidermists, working together with the nation’s foremost experts on animatronics, developed a method to “stuff” the senator on a robotic frame. One anonymous source close to the project disclosed, “This is the most exciting advancement in taxidermy and animatronics in over twenty years,” adding “granted it may be ethically questionable, but come on, you’ve got to admit it’s pretty cool!”

New evidence recently revealed that eerily pale presidential candidate and U.S. senator, John McCain, has been dead for over three years. McCain, who died of a heart attack on New Years Eve in 2004, was just about to usher in 2005 when a toxic combination of alcohol and artificial stimulants, including Viagra, Ecstasy, and Methamphetamines, stopped his heart just minutes before the Times Square ball dropped signaling the new year. “The Group” seized the opportunity to use an established politician to support their agenda.

McCain has been viewed for years as something of a renegade. In the last few years many pundits have grown suspicious of his mysterious about-face. “This explains why McCain suddenly started unquestionably supporting every tenet of the Neo-Con agenda,” commented conservative radio personality Glen Beck. The extent of the success of the scheme has not been quantified yet, but it is clear that this advancement in the marriage of taxidermy and animatronics could change the face of American politics forever.

“The idea that we might soon be governed by robots controlled by an elect few wealthy Americans is troubling, however this may not be a violation of The Constitution,” reasoned Constitutional Law expert Larry Johnson. The Constitution requires that the President be at least 35 years old, but there is no requirement that they still be living; likewise a similar argument can be made for members of the House and Senate. Johnson posited, “we may not get this question answered until it comes before the Supreme Court.”