Cheney Announces He is the Anti-Christ

Report by Sven Rassmunson, CA Chapter

Dick Cheney publicly announced at a press conference today that he will “very soon rule the World.”  Cheney, rarely seen without make-up covering the pentagram, or “sign of the beast” on his forehead, stepped up to the podium at the press conference, proudly displaying his satanic tattoo.  “Let me be clear,” Cheney began, “I will not be a gracious President, I mean to command the entire world like Elliot Spitzer commands his whores, and I will beat her like a red-headed step-child until she submits to my every directive.  I am the Anti-Christ!” boomed Cheney as he repeatedly struck the wooden stand.

Many Americans, though having secretly thought for some time that Cheney might be the Anti-Christ were saddened by the news; many more were caught completely off-guard.  Even in liberal circles, the news came as a shock to some.  Antwon Devine, a social worker and gay rights activist said, “I thought he couldn’t be all bad, after all, he’s got that log-cabin lesbian daughter,”  Antwon wiped away a tear and finished with a sigh, “... you just never know.”

Despite the evidence to the contrary, some skeptical DC pundits doubt the authenticity of Cheney’s claim.  “What if he’s just gone power-mad?  For heaven’s sake, he’s defrauded the American people, embezzled billions, maybe trillions, of dollars for himself and his cronies, the blood of thousands of Americans is on his hands, and he actually shot a man ... and nobody does anything to deter him.  He must feel like a god that can’t be stopped.  Wait, I think I just made the case for him being the Anti-Christ ....” 

Following the controversial remarks, there are those who fear Cheney, those who dismiss Cheney, and even those who have begun to worship the Vice President.  Vic Burrows, Vice Chancellor of The National Satanic Communion (NSC), told the press that NSC would officially “begin worshipping the man-god Cheney on April 30th.”  April 30th is Walpurgis, one of the most important dates on the Satanic calendar, a night of blood rituals and human sacrifice.  Burrows, went on to say, “because of the momentousness of this occasion, [the NSC is] trying to book Miley Cyrus to perform, and then be sacrificed.  It will be the biggest Walpurgis blowout ever!”