Report by Jared Pollard, NJ Chapter
Conservative Political Pundit, Ann Coulter, announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book, and related line of clothing. The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter. The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.
“I’ve always believed that History is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.” Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”
The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing. Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources. The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores next week.
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A Letter of Introduction from T. Herman Zweibel
By T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)
The Onion
January 21, 2008 | Issue 44•03
The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new President. I almost cannot believe it is time for the suet-brained populace of this flagging Republic to be once again herded into the voting-booths to allegedly choose precisely which bloody-handed butcher will crack their bones and suck the marrow over the next few years. Futility, I say, rank and base futility! Does the grist choose the mill, the rabbit the hawk, the innocent 12-year-old Atlantic City orphan girl the lusty mob of beefy, drunk, vacationing coal-oil sales-men? They do not, and neither do the Citizens choose their Leaders. However, if The Onion news-paper can further the illusion that an individual vote has more potential to change the world than a lamb’s last bubbling bleat in a crowded slaughter-house—and furthermore, if we may turn a hand-some profit by doing so—than let The Onion be the Judas goat to the milling herd of democratic cattle!
I am told that our new War of the White House section will contain the vetted and censored life stories of each candidate; white-washed and simplified versions of their heinous plans to drain the life and wealth of each and every tax-payer; a schedule denoting the appearances of every aspirant, so that one may go and be covered in unspeakable fulminating lies in person instead of hearing them over the crystal-set. I should God damned well hope that there will also be prettily-colored pictures, or else the average American citizen will not be able to keep his eye on it for more than a few heart-beats, and it would be better yet if there were accompanying photos of ample heaving bosoms. Sadly, the man in the street becomes affronted whenever he feels his supposed dignity is being besmirched. Why is this? The man in the street is, for all his puffery, standing there in the God damned street!
In any case, there will also be a section on how our Democracy works, despite even the simplest boor suspecting in his secret heart of hearts that it is a sham. Which it is. I have not voted since becoming a wealthy industrialist, having figured out some time ago that it is much wiser to employ the organ grinder than vote for the monkey. Still, I hope this special section is of some amusement to all. I understand that one of the candidates is campaigning in a dress this year, and yet another in a minstrel’s blackface, which I must say was unexpected; but as long as there are no Catholics on the ballot, I see no reason to summon the marksmen.
Now get back to work!
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