FDA Approves Crystal Meth as Appetite Suppressant

Report by David L. Benson, AR Chapter

In a move lead by the tireless efforts of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Crystal Methamphetamine as a weapon in the battle against the American bulge.  Pelosi, pictured here with Interim FDA Commissioner Dr. Joshua M. Sharfstein, revealed her own use of the drug as a diet aid and proudly displayed the results to a group of spectators after the FDA hearing that approved Meth use.  FDA regulated products account for about 25 cents of every consumer dollar spent, however Sharfstein expects that with so many young adults eager to utilize the miracle diet attributes of Crystal Meth, this number will soon jump to 30 cents.

“America is at war,” declared Sharfstein at the hearing, “at war against fat.  Do we not use missiles in Afghanistan even though a few innocent children might die?  Why should we not then use every weapon at our disposal against a greater threat here on our own soil!”  Pelosi, who was reportedly instrumental in swaying the FDA committee towards approval, will be promoting the use of Meth on behalf of Pfizer for an undisclosed amount to be donated to Pelosi’s campaign fund.  Pfizer’s Crystal Meth product, which is to be called Crystazon, will be packaged in liquid form and can be injected orally in the gums or between toes.

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Jared Pollard, NJ Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit, Ann Coulter, announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book, and related line of clothing.  The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter.  The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that History is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.”  Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”  

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing.  Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources.  The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores next week.

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Michael Stevens, IL Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit Ann Coulter announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book and related line of clothing. The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter. The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that history is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.” Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing. Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources. The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores on June 1st.

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Bush Shoulder Devil Silences Shoulder Angel for Good

Report by Andrew Sabias, VT Chapter

Pelosi Meth Scandal Exposed

Report by Jackson Rice, CA Chapter

Rice Implicates Bush in Sexual Harassment Suit

Report by Janet Paulson, NY Chapter

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