Senator Jim Webb on Chubby Love

Report by Karla Davies, VA Chapter

Author and Senator, Jim Webb (D-VA), announced Thursday that he is set to release a new book at the month’s end.  The book, which departs from his usual fare of military/intimate fiction and even his lastest non-fiction work, concentrates on the ancient Indian art of love-making, but with a twist.  “Anyone can write about sex,” said Webb, “I’ve proved that with my novels.  What makes this book different is that it focuses on fat sex - a decidedly trickier endeavor.”  Because of the reduced flexibility and extra body mass characteristic of the obese, “many of the tawdry and exciting positions I enjoy are simply unrealistic for portly mates, and many others are made possible only with the help of sturdy girders and customized mounting platforms,” asserted Webb.  “This guide not only describes the relevant mating positions, but includes detailed instructions for constructing the various reinforced platforms that make them possible.”

Webb, who has been a fan of sex, the obese, and small construction projects for years, found the challenge of melding these three obsessions into one project “scintillating”.  “The foundations for this book were laid over 20 years ago as I was building a bird house while watching amateur porn,” revealed the US Senator.  “Somewhere in the back of my mind this idea germinated, and has been waiting for my brain-cervix to open and let it out ever since.”

Senator Webb has made headlines before for his sex-centered writing, particularly during his successful 2006 Senate bid.  His 1981 novel, A Sense of Honor, described the sexual exploits of naughty Nurse Goodbody, while Webb’s 1991 novel, Something to Die For, painstakingly detailed an exotic dancer’s use of fruit.  While some critics have trashed much of Webb’s writing as something akin to Letters to Penthouse, the self-styled “sexpert” Webb calls his work “a raw and sometimes intimate look at life as seen from the viewpoint of men in uniform.  Granted I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination where sex is concerned, and I’ve got a tendency to throw that in where I can.”

Washington News In Brief

Scientists Fear Political Eruption Imminent

Report by Walter Hodges, OR Chapter

Government Seismologists cautioned Wednesday that underlying emotions stoked by political schisms are threatening to erupt in many areas of the country.  “The threat is particularly dangerous in so-called ‘battle ground’ states where the public is constantly bombarded with negative campaign ads,” says Dr. Francis Norton of the United States Geological Survey (USGS).  The USGS is suggesting that citizens avoid artificial stimulants such as caffeine and meth-amphetamines, and limiting exposure to political stimuli like political ads and that annoying guy at work with all the bumper stickers who won’t shut up about how only an idiot would vote for so-and-so.

Liberals Call GOP Billboard Racist

Report by Alan Bostwick, MN Chapter

Liberal political action committee (PAC) MoveOn.Org issued a statement on Tuesday demanding that billboards recently erected by the Republican National Committee (RNC) be removed immediately.  The billboards in question point out the difference between the so called “fast lane” and “slow lane”, and bill the ad as a “Public Service Announcement”. 

MoveOn.Org called the ad campaign as racist and demeaning to both Asians and Gays.  “Everyone knows that Asians and Gays are the world’s worst drivers, and this is an obvious attack on those people groups by the hate-mongers on the Right,” says MoveOn founder Joan Blades.  RNC spokesman Bill Daniels responded to the accusations by asking, “What?!”

Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”

McCain Whines About Obama

Report by Eric Timmons, NJ Chapter

Republican Presidential Hopeful, Sen. John McCain, threw a hissy fit Thursday in response to Barack Obama’s revelation that he won’t be using public funds to finance his general election campaign. “It’s not fair,” complained McCain, “Obama is more popular and people enthusiastically give money to his campaign. He just snaps his fingers and the checks come pouring in; meanwhile it’s like pulling teeth for me to get 5 dollars out of my wife.”

Since 1976, candidates have opted to use public funds (i.e. tax dollars) to finance their presidential runs, which has leveled the playing field, because each contender has equal funds with which to work. Obama, by opting out of the system, and due to his fundraising prowess, will be virtually unconstrained in his spending. In contrast, McCain, who couldn’t get a bucket of water given to him if his house was on fire, will be forced to live within the spending limits of the system he is forced to utilize. DC pundit, Robert Freisman, commented, “It’s rich that a supposed “conservative” is whining about a so-called “liberal” rejecting government assistance. McCain has singlehandedly shattered the myth that Democrats are the Party of sniveling weenies suckling at the teet of big government. Who is the sniveling weenie now?"  President George W. Bush reportedly responded to the news by asking, "Is it too late to run Huckabee instead?"

McCain Presidency Plan to Include Pandering

Report by Jan Fellows, VT Chapter

Sen. John McCain revealed his vision for his presidency yesterday during a speech in Columbus Ohio. The plan, which included McCain’s predictions regarding the situation in Iraq and international terrorism, dealt extensively with his willingness to allow corporations and special interest groups to use the federal government as a doormat. Gus Jenkins, a lobbyist for the petroleum industry, greeted the revelation with excitement saying, “McCain’s ‘maverick’ reputation had many of us a little nervous about the future of our ability to pass friendly legislation by the President’s desk, but McCain’s comments make it clear that if he should somehow beat Obama, we can continue to screw the American people.

In the speech, McCain explained, “Corporations and special interest groups are the backbone of this great nation, they need and deserve special consideration when making decisions about how to spend the money of working Americans, and via continuing deficits, the money of future working Americans.” McCain continued by saying, “If people mattered, they would raise their collective voice, but they are adequately pacified by satellite television, XBox 360, and Internet porn, which allows the government to concentrate on what is really important, which, of course, is to distribute U.S. Dollars to corporations in which [government officials] hold stock, and special interests groups which promote some particular program or project that benefits Washington insiders in some financial way.”

Attempts to get reactions to McCain’s comments from average working class Americans, were generally answered by, “Dude who is John McCain?” or “Didn’t he die like three years ago?”