DHS Foils Terrorist Attack on Senators, Public Disappointed

Report by Heather D’Attano, WV Chapter

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) thwarted a plot by Islamic terrorists Monday that targeted the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington DC.  The Russell Senate Office Building, which sits just Northeast of the US Capital Building is home to, among others, Senators John McCain (R-AZ), John Kerry (D-MA), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and Chris Dodd (D-CT).  Although the terrorist attack had been carefully planned over the past two years, DHS just recently stumbled upon information of the plan last Friday when two DHS agents overheard four “bearded men” at a DC donut shop talking about “grenade launchers” and “infidel senators”.  

After reviewing myriad previous interdepartmental reports that apparently referred to the attack but had been dismissed as “harmless internet chatter”, the agents were able to piece together the date and time of siege on the Senate office building and the location of the weapons cache before the attack could take place.  Many Americans voiced disappointment that the plot was uncovered, fearing continued poor leadership in Washington.

Upon hearing the news, Albert Henneman, a drywall finisher from Toledo, Ohio stated, “Finally Islamic terrorists were trying to do some good for this country, and make amends for the 9/11 attacks ... good for them.”  Annette Willis, a homemaker from North Dakota, referring to the halted attack, said, “Our intelligence community can stop an attack on 40 Senators, but can’t be bothered to shoot down two airplanes set to end the lives of 3000 civilians.  Yeah that’s about right for our government.”  Bruce Hennoff, a Florida orange-grower stated, “... a couple dozen rocket propelled grenades headed straight up the [rear end] of those crooked sons of [female dogs] that call themselves ‘public servants’ ... [Deity] that would have been awesome!”

Washington DC police swat units cordoned off the block surrounding the Russell Senate Office Building all day Monday blocking all access to building.  Additional law enforcement units were enlisted to canvas the area to prevent any collateral attacks.  In all, fourteen foreigners have been picked up for questioning on suspicion of terrorism.  The men will likely be transfered to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility for a week’s stay before being released to their own countries in the Middle East. 

Congress Outsources the Reading of Legislation

Report by Lexington Reynolds-Hayes, ND Chapter

Time is of the essence, and nowhere is that more true than in our Nation’s Capital.  Over the past few years many citizens have grown concerned that our elected officials have not been reading the long and complicated legislation they are passing into law.  Congressman James V. Hansen (R-UT) addressed the concern by saying, “That has, in fact, been a problem in the past.  For instance, the Patriot Act: I can only think of two people that actually read it, Congressman Paul from Texas, and Senator Feingold from Wisconsin, and let’s face it, they’re both crazy.”  Hansen went on to discuss a new plan recently put into effect that addresses the need for legislation to be read, while still allowing representatives to avoid reading the “long, boring, poorly written documents” that are to become law.  

At President Obama’s request, a program modeled after Henry Waxman’s (D-CA) practice of outsourcing the reading of legislation to workers in India took effect earlier this month.  “I realized the need to have someone to actually read legislation about a year ago after I was browsing through a law that I had previously voted for,” stated the unphotogenic Waxman (pictured left).  “I was shocked that the bill past, it was utter crap.  Rather than go to all the work of reversing the bad law, I decided to focus on the future.  Neither I nor my aids can make heads or tails of that complicated legal gibberish.  I thought, what we need is well educated people that would read this stuff for very little money.  I was on the phone later that day with tech-support for my IBM and the answer to our problem became suddenly clear!”

With the so-called Waxman Plan in effect, the US Government has contracted with a company called IPF Communications in New Delhi, India to read and review anticipated legislation, interpret the material through partisan filters created by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried for Democrats and by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner for the Republicans, and finally condense the contents into a couple paragraphs with a recommendation for voting for or against the measure.  Senator Chris Dodd hailed the plan as “American ingenuity”.  Dodd was reportedly excited that he wouldn’t have to give up his many “vaca ... political junkets” to read bills, and was pleased that “for the first time in over forty years legislation is finally being read again!”.

Mr. Buffet Goes to Washington

Report by Terry Kroup, VA Chapter

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution.  “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.”  One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well.  What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.  The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.  But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.”  With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!”  And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort.  They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort.  They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars!  “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it.  I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet.  And I’ve heard of your troubles.  I’ve heard you’re unhappy.  But I can fix that.  I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie.  We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird).  We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all!  You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does.  There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink.  In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs.  Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against.  And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.