DHS Foils Terrorist Attack on Senators, Public Disappointed

Report by Heather D’Attano, WV Chapter

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) thwarted a plot by Islamic terrorists Monday that targeted the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington DC.  The Russell Senate Office Building, which sits just Northeast of the US Capital Building is home to, among others, Senators John McCain (R-AZ), John Kerry (D-MA), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and Chris Dodd (D-CT).  Although the terrorist attack had been carefully planned over the past two years, DHS just recently stumbled upon information of the plan last Friday when two DHS agents overheard four “bearded men” at a DC donut shop talking about “grenade launchers” and “infidel senators”.  

After reviewing myriad previous interdepartmental reports that apparently referred to the attack but had been dismissed as “harmless internet chatter”, the agents were able to piece together the date and time of siege on the Senate office building and the location of the weapons cache before the attack could take place.  Many Americans voiced disappointment that the plot was uncovered, fearing continued poor leadership in Washington.

Upon hearing the news, Albert Henneman, a drywall finisher from Toledo, Ohio stated, “Finally Islamic terrorists were trying to do some good for this country, and make amends for the 9/11 attacks ... good for them.”  Annette Willis, a homemaker from North Dakota, referring to the halted attack, said, “Our intelligence community can stop an attack on 40 Senators, but can’t be bothered to shoot down two airplanes set to end the lives of 3000 civilians.  Yeah that’s about right for our government.”  Bruce Hennoff, a Florida orange-grower stated, “... a couple dozen rocket propelled grenades headed straight up the [rear end] of those crooked sons of [female dogs] that call themselves ‘public servants’ ... [Deity] that would have been awesome!”

Washington DC police swat units cordoned off the block surrounding the Russell Senate Office Building all day Monday blocking all access to building.  Additional law enforcement units were enlisted to canvas the area to prevent any collateral attacks.  In all, fourteen foreigners have been picked up for questioning on suspicion of terrorism.  The men will likely be transfered to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility for a week’s stay before being released to their own countries in the Middle East. 

Washington News In Brief

Scientists Fear Political Eruption Imminent

Report by Walter Hodges, OR Chapter

Government Seismologists cautioned Wednesday that underlying emotions stoked by political schisms are threatening to erupt in many areas of the country.  “The threat is particularly dangerous in so-called ‘battle ground’ states where the public is constantly bombarded with negative campaign ads,” says Dr. Francis Norton of the United States Geological Survey (USGS).  The USGS is suggesting that citizens avoid artificial stimulants such as caffeine and meth-amphetamines, and limiting exposure to political stimuli like political ads and that annoying guy at work with all the bumper stickers who won’t shut up about how only an idiot would vote for so-and-so.

Liberals Call GOP Billboard Racist

Report by Alan Bostwick, MN Chapter

Liberal political action committee (PAC) MoveOn.Org issued a statement on Tuesday demanding that billboards recently erected by the Republican National Committee (RNC) be removed immediately.  The billboards in question point out the difference between the so called “fast lane” and “slow lane”, and bill the ad as a “Public Service Announcement”. 

MoveOn.Org called the ad campaign as racist and demeaning to both Asians and Gays.  “Everyone knows that Asians and Gays are the world’s worst drivers, and this is an obvious attack on those people groups by the hate-mongers on the Right,” says MoveOn founder Joan Blades.  RNC spokesman Bill Daniels responded to the accusations by asking, “What?!”

McCain Regrets Drunken Promise

Report by Ed Steele, MN Chapter

The Republican ticket, it seems, is the result of a promise made by a drunken, horny Senator John McCain.  An unidentified source close to the Arizona Senator told the AoE  that three months ago, in a moment of alcohol-induced weakness, the Senator offered Alaska Governor Sarah Palin a place on the Republican ticket if she consented to an extramarital tryst.  Apparently driven by political ambition and an insatiable lust for sex, Palin eagerly agreed to let the inebriated McCain descend into the depths of her inner-being.

Although McCain attempted to renege on the perverse compact, Palin would not be dissuaded, and threatened to go public with the affair if she was not given the VP slot as promised.  Given Sarah Palin’s ties to Big Oil in Alaska, it seems that McCain has truly crawled in bed with Big Oil.  Many DC pundits are concerned that the one time “maverick” has been reduced to nothing more than a corporate boy toy.

Pelosi Offers to “Take One For The Team”

Report by Nancy Baker, NV Chapter

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who endured accusations about methamphetamine use earlier this year, reportedly told Democratic nominee Barack Obama that she would “take one for the team” and seduce John McCain to ruin his reputation.  McCain, who is rumored to have a soft spot for tweekers, is thought to be an easy mark for the ghastly thin Pelosi.  Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who has been teasing McCain for the past several years with such advances as tickling his privates during pivotal votes, believes she can get the former prisoner of war to engage in a little “John Edwards style love” thus endangering his bid for the White House.  It is rumored that Obama responded to the plan by saying, “I see nothing, I know nothing.”

UK Prime Minister Reaffirms Candidates' Wankerdom

UK's Brown Still Unexcited About U.S. Candidates

Follow-up report by Enid Washington, TN Chapter

Having half-heartedly followed the course of the U.S. Presidential contest, The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, told reporters at a press conference this morning that his April assertion that Barack Obama was “a right wanker” was "a more apt description than ever." Brown went on to say, "that assessment goes double for McCain."

Brown's unflattering evaluation of the U.S. candidates in April subsequently opened an international Pandora's Box of criticism for McCain and Obama. French President Nicolas Sarkozy, referring to the pair of White House hopefuls, recently said, "Le cerveau il etait en option chez toi" (The brain was optional for you).

Last month, Russian leader Vladimir Putin spewed, "Eedee k'chortu, svolatch!" at the candidates, but as nobody cares about Russia or it's language anymore, a translation was unavailable.

Democrats Shocked to Learn Obama is White

Report by Sean Jensen, CT Chapter

What began as a jab, by Barack Obama, aimed at McCain’s obvious lack of blood flow, created a whirlwind of blowback for the Democrat nominee. In an age where negative campaigning is the norm, Obama, playing the game, released new ads attacking McCain for being an animatronic tool without a pulse, thus causing the Republican’s eerie, pale, ghost-like appearance. The unintended consequence of the campaign was to reveal Obama’s own lilly white ass, and the implication that he is, in actuality, just a well tanned White guy.

Brad Reynolds, a confused liberal with years of diversity training, indicating that he had decided to back Obama with the idea that supporting a minority candidate would prove once and for all to his minority coworkers that he is “a friend to those oppressed by the White establishment,” was particularly rocked by the revelation. “Now I’m just another White guy supporting a White guy,” said Reynolds with a sigh. A spokesperson for the Obama camp responded to concerned Democrats by saying, “Let’s not let the Conservative media bias take our focus off the fact that McCain is animatronic corpse posing as living person!”

Washington News In Brief

McCain Promises to Break Fewer Promises

Report by Bill Parker, NC Chapter

Shocked by the revelation that the citizenry is tired of the empty promises issued by politicians during every election cycle, presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain issued a statement to reassure voters. “Voters should rest easy knowing that I, if elected, promise to break fewer promises than Mr. Obama would have if he were elected.” McCain, continued by adding , “... and that is a promise you can bank on.”

Congress to Regulate the Labeling of Hot Dogs

Report by Walter Jones, OH Chapter

Succumbing to pressure from pro-decency groups, Congress, under the guise of the Commerce Clause, is considering a Bill that would prohibit hot dog producers from using the term “wiener” for product identification. Tasha Johnson, a spokesperson for the decency lobby, attacked the label “wiener” as phallic slang and hurtful to any woman who has ever consumed a hot dog. Because of the synonymous nature that “hot dog”, “frank”, and “tube steak” also share with male genitalia, those terms will likely be banned as well, according to a Capital Hill source. Johnson and her group have suggested the named “intestine encased meat and/or meat byproduct product” to be substituted for the offensive labels currently used.

Obama “Deeply Committed” to Almost Everything

Report by Sabrina Kerr, MO Chapter

White House Contender Barack Obama announced today, amidst concerns from some voters that he wasn’t concerned about particular issues, that he was “deeply committed to whatever issue anybody thinks is important.” Conversely, Obama also stated, “I am equally uncommitted to any issue that any citizen deems unimportant.” The Democratic nominee clarified his stance by saying, “Basically, I’m deeply committed to being deeply committed to issues that voters believe I should be deeply committed to.”

InBev to Buy Budweiser, McCain

Report by Stan Lawrence, MO Chapter

The Belgian Brewing giant, InBev, announced it’s plans to take control of Anheuser-Busch (A-B) at a cost of $52 billion, creating the largest beer producing conglomerate in the world. 

Negotiations for the deal, which were attended by A-B heiress and wife of White House hopeful John McCain, Cindy McCain, were reportedly at a stand still until Mrs. McCain offered to sweeten the deal by including a controlling share in her husband. Through Mrs. McCain’s interest in A-B, the McCain’s stand to gain nearly $5 billion upon the close of the InBev deal and $20 billion more via eventual inheritance.

A spokesperson for InBev, on the condition of anonymity, praised the deal by noting that InBev stands to recover most of the additional purchase price paid for McCain over the next four years, through tax breaks that McCain could secure for them as a U.S. Senator, “imagine how profitable it will be for InBev if McCain actually wins the Presidency!” The InBev - A-B deal had stalled at a price of $45 billion prior to Mrs. McCain’s offer, indicating that InBev valued control of Sen. McCain at roughly $7 billion. If that estimate is correct, McCain’s price sets a new record for money paid for a nominee for President, beating Haliburton’s 2000 purchase of George W. Bush by almost $1 billion.

Britney Spears Stumps for McCain, Leaves Kids in Car

Report by Edith McPherson, MT Chapter

Troubled mother and pop diva Britney Spears lent her support to Republican White House hopeful John McCain at a rally Thursday morning at the expense of her children. Spears attended the rally looking chic in an orange and yellow number that prominently displayed her toned midriff, and tight black jeans. The pop star, though looking fabulous, clearly showed why former husband Kevin Federline has primary custody of their children. While Britney took the stage waving an inadvertently upside-down McCain sign, her two young children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, languished in the backseat of her Mercedes-Benz CL Class.

Though Sen. McCain introduced Spears as “a patriot and inspiration to young people” at the rally, Federline responded to her leaving the kids in the cars by saying Britney was an “unscrupulous whore and an embarrassment to her children and celebrities in general.” Following the rally, the children were treated minor heat exhaustion and returned to the care of their father.

Candidates Sport Nascar Style Jackets

Report by Rick Talbert, AL Chapter

It is no secret that, in the modern political arena, corporations are seeking increasingly more from candidates in exchange for campaign contributions. Never has this phenomenon been more apparent than in the present Presidential contest. White House hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama, at the request of corporate donors, ripped a page from the Nascar marketing playbook and began this week’s stumping by each wearing sporty jackets covered in corporate logos.

The move not only grants added brand name recognition to corporate donors, but also gives the candidates a legal loophole for accepting significant sums from corporations. It has been the tradition of candidates to accept cash bribes “under the table” or some other form of illicit inducement from big business for years. By displaying corporate logos, candidates find themselves on par with professional athletes who get paid to don certain athletic apparel. In exchange, corporations can deduct the money paid for a spot on the jacket as an “advertising expense.”

Brian Dorr, a lobbyist for the tobacco industry, called the new strategy a “win-win” for candidates and corporations. “Candidates can avoid legal hurdles, and put the money straight into their personal accounts, and businesses can account for the expenditures as a legitimate expense ... and write it off.” Dorr continued, “It business as usual, but now it’s legal!”

Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”

McCain Gives ‘Screech’ Leadership Role

Report by Author Kanable, WI Chapter

Concerns over McCain’s ability to keep pace with the Obama campaign led to a shake up in the Republican contender’s camp recently. McCain personally announced Wednesday at a rally that former child star Dustin Diamond, of Saved by the Bell fame, would take over the daily operations of the campaign. Diamond will be taking on much of the role formerly performed by Campaign manager Rick Davis. A source inside the McCain camp divulged that, “Davis will stay with the campaign, but, thankfully, no longer be permitted to communicate with ... virtually anyone inside or outside the campaign.” 

Diamond, known to millions of Americans as TV’s lovable yet quirky Samuel “Screech” Powers, spent the last few years testing his skills as a stand up comedian, amateur porn star, and small time con-artist. Diamond said of the sudden change of gears, “Given my work experience of late, politics seemed a natural fit.” McCain lauded the addition to the team saying Diamond “will play a pivotal role in gaining support from young Americans and porn junkies.”

McCain Supports 'Youth in Asia"

Report by Janet Rowlands, KY Chapter

Semantics generally hinder understanding, but generally don’t lead to major political humiliations. McCain bucked the trend yesterday when he answered a question from the audience at a televised event. When asked his stance on euthanasia, McCain, perhaps showing his age, or lack of understanding of so-called “twenty-five cent” words, responded by telling the crowd jokingly, “I absolutely support ‘youth in Asia’ ... just as I support various children around the state of Arizona and District of Columbia,” just before breaking into a rendition of a Beach Boys classic, “‘round ‘round get around, I get around ....” Receiving much the same response he got with his “Bomb-Iran/Barbara-Ann” song, McCain quickly dove into a five minute explanation of how he was able to differentiate young asians from those “sick, 'charlie' bastards” who locked him in a cage in Vietnam, before a clearly shaken-up campaign worker stopped him long enough to whisper something in his ear. McCain sat dumbly for a second, then muttered questioningly, “‘Youth in Asia’ means put to death ... is that some kind of gang lingo?” At that point McCain’s microphone was fortuitously disabled.”

McCain Whines About Obama

Report by Eric Timmons, NJ Chapter

Republican Presidential Hopeful, Sen. John McCain, threw a hissy fit Thursday in response to Barack Obama’s revelation that he won’t be using public funds to finance his general election campaign. “It’s not fair,” complained McCain, “Obama is more popular and people enthusiastically give money to his campaign. He just snaps his fingers and the checks come pouring in; meanwhile it’s like pulling teeth for me to get 5 dollars out of my wife.”

Since 1976, candidates have opted to use public funds (i.e. tax dollars) to finance their presidential runs, which has leveled the playing field, because each contender has equal funds with which to work. Obama, by opting out of the system, and due to his fundraising prowess, will be virtually unconstrained in his spending. In contrast, McCain, who couldn’t get a bucket of water given to him if his house was on fire, will be forced to live within the spending limits of the system he is forced to utilize. DC pundit, Robert Freisman, commented, “It’s rich that a supposed “conservative” is whining about a so-called “liberal” rejecting government assistance. McCain has singlehandedly shattered the myth that Democrats are the Party of sniveling weenies suckling at the teet of big government. Who is the sniveling weenie now?"  President George W. Bush reportedly responded to the news by asking, "Is it too late to run Huckabee instead?"