DHS Foils Terrorist Attack on Senators, Public Disappointed

Report by Heather D’Attano, WV Chapter

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) thwarted a plot by Islamic terrorists Monday that targeted the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington DC.  The Russell Senate Office Building, which sits just Northeast of the US Capital Building is home to, among others, Senators John McCain (R-AZ), John Kerry (D-MA), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and Chris Dodd (D-CT).  Although the terrorist attack had been carefully planned over the past two years, DHS just recently stumbled upon information of the plan last Friday when two DHS agents overheard four “bearded men” at a DC donut shop talking about “grenade launchers” and “infidel senators”.  

After reviewing myriad previous interdepartmental reports that apparently referred to the attack but had been dismissed as “harmless internet chatter”, the agents were able to piece together the date and time of siege on the Senate office building and the location of the weapons cache before the attack could take place.  Many Americans voiced disappointment that the plot was uncovered, fearing continued poor leadership in Washington.

Upon hearing the news, Albert Henneman, a drywall finisher from Toledo, Ohio stated, “Finally Islamic terrorists were trying to do some good for this country, and make amends for the 9/11 attacks ... good for them.”  Annette Willis, a homemaker from North Dakota, referring to the halted attack, said, “Our intelligence community can stop an attack on 40 Senators, but can’t be bothered to shoot down two airplanes set to end the lives of 3000 civilians.  Yeah that’s about right for our government.”  Bruce Hennoff, a Florida orange-grower stated, “... a couple dozen rocket propelled grenades headed straight up the [rear end] of those crooked sons of [female dogs] that call themselves ‘public servants’ ... [Deity] that would have been awesome!”

Washington DC police swat units cordoned off the block surrounding the Russell Senate Office Building all day Monday blocking all access to building.  Additional law enforcement units were enlisted to canvas the area to prevent any collateral attacks.  In all, fourteen foreigners have been picked up for questioning on suspicion of terrorism.  The men will likely be transfered to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility for a week’s stay before being released to their own countries in the Middle East. 

Obama and Clinton Mix Business, Pleasure

Report by John Parish, VT Chapter

Presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama was discovered yesterday sharing a remote Vermont cabin with former rival Sen. Hilary Clinton. Though Obama insisted that the “meeting” was purely professional, pictures taken by a local resident indicate otherwise. “Senator Clinton and I spent the afternoon and evening engaged in a study of the firing of missiles, nothing more,” defended Obama. Clinton, who was on hand, quickly interjected, “Iran’s missiles, we were exploring Iran’s missile capabilities, just Iran’s missiles, no other missiles were explored.”

While unclear why Sen. Obama felt it necessary to take a private meeting with the former First Lady in a remote cabin in Vermont to discuss Iran’s military strength, Obama came away from the meeting with a tough new stance against Iran. "Iran is a great threat. We have to make sure we are working with our allies to apply tightened pressure on Iran,” commented the Democratic nominee. Speculation swirled that during the rendezvous, Clinton’s ability to about-face on the issue of military force in the Middle East must have rubbed off on Obama, following his statement that, “The U.S. must address Iran’s recent missile testing as a direct threat against our nation’s security and take whatever steps are necessary to alleviate that threat.”