Republicans to McClellan, "We Never Liked You!"

Report by Sanford Lewis, WI Chapter

Former White House press Secretary Scott McClellan recently released a tell-all book about the Bush White House, including scandalous revelations of fraud, deceit, and incompetence. McClellan’s targets included not only the sitting President, but Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and “Scooter” Libby among others. The majority of the Republican Party, led by the so-called “NeoCons”, responded to the release by telling McClellan that, despite previous interactions to the contrary, “we never liked you anyway!”

I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, former Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, noted NeoCon and felon, explained that, “although [Republicans] may have appeared to embrace McClellan in the past, we have always made fun of him behind his back.” Conservative radio personality Michael Medved, echoed Libby and added, “I could never stand that back stabbing publicity whore, I just acted like I liked him because I thought the establishment wanted me too.”

Not all Republicans acted so quickly to shun the former administration insider. Rex Jenkins, a conservative rural businessman noted, “He’s kind of a prick for ratting out his friends, but its probably the first honest word we’ve heard from inside the White House in 20, maybe 30, years.” However cynical it appears, it seems that many Americans consider admissions of dishonesty to be the only honest statements to come from our politicians.

The apparent success of McClellan’s book has prompted him to consider a follow-up book about George W. Bush. “There so much dirt in the White House, I’ve got fodder for about ten books,” revealed McClellan. He continued, “I’ve got pictures of Dubya in a french bikini - I’m going to have to work that in somehow - God we were so high that night ...”

Cheney Announces He is the Anti-Christ

Report by Ernesto Rena, AZ Chapter

Dick Cheney publicly announced at a press conference today that he will “very soon rule the World.” Cheney, rarely seen without make-up covering the pentagram, or “sign of the beast” on his forehead, stepped up to the podium at the press conference, proudly displaying his satanic tattoo. “Let me be clear,” Cheney began, “I will not be a gracious President, I mean to command the entire world like Eliot Spitzer commands his whores, and I will beat her like a red-headed step-child until she submits to my every directive. I am the Anti-Christ!” boomed Cheney as he repeatedly struck the wooden stand.

Many Americans, though having secretly thought for some time that Cheney might be the Anti-Christ, were saddened by the news; many more were caught completely off-guard. Even in liberal circles, the news came as a shock to some. Antwon Devine, a social worker and gay rights activist said, “I thought he couldn’t be all bad, after all, he’s got that log-cabin lesbian daughter,” Antwon wiped away a tear and finished with a sigh, “... you just never know.”

Despite evidence to the contrary, some skeptical DC pundits doubt the authenticity of Cheney’s claim. “What if he’s just gone power-mad? For heaven’s sake, he’s defrauded the American people, embezzled billions, maybe trillions, of dollars for himself and his cronies, the blood of thousands of Americans is on his hands, and he actually shot a man ... and nobody does anything to deter him. He must feel like a god that can’t be stopped. Wait, I think I just made the case for him being the Anti-Christ ....”

Following the controversial remarks, there are those who fear Cheney, those who dismiss Cheney, and even those who have begun to worship the Vice President. Vic Burrows, Vice Chancellor of The National Satanic Communion (NSC), told the press that NSC would officially “begin worshipping the man-god Cheney on April 30th.” April 30th is Walpurgis, one of the most important dates on the Satanic calendar, a night of blood rituals and human sacrifice. Burrows, went on to say, “because of the momentousness of this occasion, [the NSC is] trying to book Miley Cyrus to perform, and then be sacrificed. It will be the biggest Walpurgis blowout ever!”